Hm... My folks are off for a three-day vacation...
Hmmm....
Anyway, I'm going to take this time to write a long and probably depressing blog post. I'm not too depressed right now, but I'm sure that will change in the next few minutes. Just warning you ahead of time.
It hasn't been easy coming home this Christmas break. I knew my dad wasn't doing well, but it never really sinks in until I see it for myself. He's only a up a few hours in the day, if at all. It's not that he's doing especially badly, it's just that he doesn't have the energy to be up around. He feels better when he's laying down, and so he does. It's partly the fact that he was not doing well for so long earlier this fall. Between the defibrillator replacement, the stomach infection, and the new medication, he just hasn't been able to bounce back at all. It must be incredibly frustrating.
It starting to get to me, that's for sure. Some of the little kids think this is normal life. And for all I know, maybe it is now. Maybe he'll never get better. To be truthful, unless some major change occurs, I don't think he will. And that's pretty tough to take. Ever since my dad first had heart trouble, about 9 years ago, we've all always had this idea in our heads that he would get all better. After all, if the pacemaker keeps his heart going, and the defibrillator keeps it from going to fast, and the medication fixes whatever else is wrong, he'll get all better, right?
No, not really.
For 5 years, things weren't too bad at all. He got most of his strength back after spending 6 weeks in the hospital, he was working, he was even working on the house. Then they replaced that first defibrillator, he got shocked several times when the new one went off (fortunately!), and he got a nasty intestinal bug that put him back in the hospital for a week. He bounced back from that, mostly, but it wasn't a year before his defibrillator went off again. It's definitely been going off more often the past couple of years, which means his heart is getting worse. Things have pretty much been all downhill, at least from my point of view.
Maybe I can see it better than the others, since I've been away so much. Maybe they can all see it, too, but just won't say anything. I think my dad knows it, or at least fears it. I'm sure my mom knows it, but she doesn't want to believe it. Sharon might see it. She will in another year, anyway. The rest of the kids don't.
He won't die, not for a long time yet. But he won't get any better. Not without a miracle, anyway.
Bleah. So much for Christmas.
See, I told you it would get depressing. And now I've actually said it in print. Nobody in my family reads this. Not yet, anyway. I suppose it's just as well.
I need to go cause trouble somewhere. Something to distract me.
Posted by Ardith at December 28, 2003 05:56 PM