It doesn't happen often. Right now, despite people and things I'm worried about, deadlines coming up, stuff that has to be done, and general insanity and uncertainty, I have this vague feeling that somehow, everything is going to work out. I haven't a single clue how. I won't enjoy everything about it; I don't think it is possible to enjoy absolutely everything while I'm living here on earth. It will work out, though. God is still very much in control. And that makes me happy.
Not happy in any sort of giddy, carefree way. Because I'm not carefree, haven't been for a very long time, and can't see being that way any time in the near future. But I am happy. And it's strange. One doesn't usually think of being unable to determine things and being happy as coinciding. But I am happy. Happy and contented. Life ain't pretty; in fact, it can so easily be downright horrible. A lot of my life seems to exist of balancing on or falling off of the edge of a knife. But stability is not what this sort of happiness relies on.
It doesn't rely on people, either. People go away. They disappoint, leave, or die. Always. But that doesn't change the fact that things will work out. In the past year, a lot of people have hurt me inadvertently, walked out of my life, and two have died. It doesn't matter. It hurts; that never quite goes away. But in the end, it doesn't really make a difference.
When everything else leaves, there's really only one thing to rely on. And that is the simple fact that God holds me in the palm of His hand. He will never let me go. Ever. And when I remember that, it's enough to make me happy.
Posted by Ardith at April 19, 2004 01:44 AM | TrackBack