February 17, 2005
Career Banquet and Related Thoughts
I got to go to the career banquet tonight. I arrived late, which wasn't a good idea. I missed the opening acts and wound up standing for several minutes in the dining hall looking for a seat that wasn't taken. So, if you ever get a chance to go to one of those meetings, arrive early! But it was really, really worth it ... though it clearly demonstrated to me that I have the manners of a Mongolian barbarian :-). I did quite a number of things completely wrong. It made me wish that I'd been going to those banquets since I was a freshman - it would be a neat game to try to get through the entire dinner without making a single etiquette mistake. Probably an impossible dream, but it would have been an interesting challenge!
It was fascinating to be introduced the world of etiquette intricacies. Some people put a great deal of thought into designing the rules of etiquette, and there are reasons for almost all of them. It was a game to try my best not to forget anything, and the food was pretty good. We had "student models" demonstrate how to dress for both formal and informal days, and we were given a lot of advice on what to do and not do our first year on the job, as well as the etiquette tips I've mentioned before.
But intermittently throughout the evening, as we were instructed into how to act and how to behave, I thought to myself that this professional world isn't one that I particularly like ... let me see if I can make myself more clear. The repeated point made during the discussion was that your focus is to look professional. To always be ready to represent the company. To always strive to present yourself well. It seems that the mindset that is being promoted is very focused and concentrated, always seeking to appear competent and put together. Every move you make, you're sending a message, and you always want that message to be positive. Every moment you have, you should be improving your value to the company. You're in something of a constant competition to prove yourself worthy, competent, professional, in control ... a constant competition to be what the business wants you to be. And if you aren't willing to go all out ... well, there are other people who are, and companies would prefer to hire them.
I think there's something missing in me as I look towards this future in the professional world. There's some fundamental drive to succeed and excel that I'm not sure I have. I guess the word I'm looking for is ambition. I'm not sure I have any. If I had to answer the question, "What do you want most in life?" I'm not sure how I'd answer.
In a more fundamental way, I'm not sure what I want from life. I'll go to work in the professional world and I'll do my best because that's what I ought to do, but as long as I can take care of my family, I'm not sure I care about anything more. I'm not sure that it matters to me if I'm ever promoted. I'm not sure I have professional goals. And because I seem to lack this drive, I'm not sure I'll make it once I leave here.
What do I want out of life? Why am I here? Before any of you quote the Westminster Shorter Catechism to me, I already know that my primary purpose is to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." But what does that mean? One thing that strikes me as I look back over the last few years is that my ambitions seem to have all died. When I was back in high school, I used to dream about being an engineer or wonderful programmer or some career! I had it mapped out and I had a dream! Now I'm not sure anymore. If you asked me what kind of life sounds good, the following idea has a lot of appeal to me (or would if I weren't married and didn't know that I'm supposed to do more with my life) - drop out of college, find a job as a janitor somewhere, get a library card and an old computer, and spend the rest of my life cleaning floors and picking up trash by day and reading and programming and writing by night. The "Parable of the Talents" stabs at me.
I guess there's something in me that doesn't want to dream anymore. My dreams of life and career faded away and were replaced ... I guess by a desire be somebody spiritual. But it is so arrogant of me to I could ever think of being anyone spiritually. When I compare my life to the giants of our faith, I'm nobody and I know it. When I look at professional goals, my heart says "None of that stuff matters." When I look at spiritual goals, my heart whispers "You'll never be anything that matters." So I feel lost ... cut adrift. To some degree, the "dream" I talked about last paragraph is tantamount to suicide. It would be pulling myself out of life and sitting the rest of it out. I won't deny that thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind for the last couple of years now. As I give up hope of ever meaning anything, I find less and less ambition and drive to do anything.
I've always wanted to be unique. To be special. To be different from everyone else. And I keep finding to my everlasting pain that there is simply no comparison I can make where I measure up. I'm an intelligent person, but in every class there's someone more intelligent. I have a good memory, but there are people with better memories. I can program a computer, but I don't measure up against other programmers. I know a bit of history, but there are so many people who put me to shame. In every possible category of comparison, I'm always one of many. Yes, I know that I'm unique in one sense ... but so is everybody else. I want so desperately to be somebody special. In one sense, nobody is special; in another sense, everybody is. And either way, my pride is unsatisfied.
It's so hard to give up the human idea of worth by comparison. It's so hard to accept worth by God's say-so. I know that I am a child of God, but my pride isn't satisfied by that. My pride can only be satisfied by seeing others lower than myself. I hope that what I feel is my pride dying, but it feels more like my self dying.
What am I to do? How can I change from wanting to be somebody to wanting to love somebody? How can I give up my quest to matter and accept that I matter to God by His grace? How can I satisfy my heart with the acceptance of God when what my heart desires is the admiration of others? How can a heart be changed?
