February 26, 2005
My Three Pillars
Dear friends:
I am a fool. At least, I have done a very foolish thing. My first class was canceled yesterday, so I returned home with some extra time on my hands. I discovered that my wife had acquired the second book in the Sword of Truth series from work. Having read the first one, I was intrigued. Since I had a little extra time, I figured I could spend fifteen minutes on it. It is now just after two in the morning. I have done practically nothing all day but read. I skipped chapel and two classes. I didn't do any of my homework, or the other things I probably ought to have done. The only things I've done this day which qualify as "constructive" would be washing the dishes, setting the table for dinner, and going to the Honors Bible study. Apart from that, I read, read, read. I have now finished the book, just under 1000 pages (979, to be exact). My average reading speed for good stories is about 60 pages an hour, and I started reading probably somewhere around 9:30-9:45ish this morning, so I was probably doing a little better than that average.
I love to read stories. I have a voracious, nearly insatiable appetite for them. At the moment, my mind feels delightfully stuffed, like Moore would if he'd been through a good seven-course meal. And I'm also free of my obsession, which is nice. It's an odd and rare feeling for me ... I could actually do something productive now and want to do it. I feel free and relaxed.
I am a fool because of the other things I've done in pursuit of this book. I skipped class. Twice. I didn't do homework. I didn't do anything. There was a time, not very long ago, when that would have been unthinkable to me. I am finding it harder and harder to discipline my appetites. I find it harder and harder to focus on studying, because every time I do, my thoughts say "you know that grades don't matter, that your coursework doesn't matter, and that you're only doing it out of a sense of need to prove yourself worth something."
My life, for probably the last 13 years (at least since around eight years old, possibly earlier) has revolved around three things. Well, it began around two, but the third was added. Excelling in school was one of them. Living in my imagination (with the help of books) was the other. For years of my life, I dedicated myself to these two things with an exclusive passion. Sure, I did other things. But I cared for nothing else. Then a third item was added ... a close relationship with God. That element has waxed and waned and fought ever since I added it to my life. I think it might be because God wants to be more than part of a balanced life, as if he were a breakfast cereal. God wants to be life to us.
In the last few years, my life has given me great things. I have come very, very close to shutting everything out of my life but those three things. But at the same time, doubt and cracks have formed in my basic pillars of life. My pillar of excellence in schoolwork is cracking to the core, because I now know that nobody cares, and that my grades don't mean a thing, and that pursuing academic perfection was a false way of trying to focus my life. My faith in this pillar is still very strong and seductive, and I always feel its power. I feel the need and the drive to excel academically. But I can't cast the germ of doubt out of my mind. I now doubt my motives, I doubt my core. And the doubt is killing my ability to focus, to sacrifice, to drive. It's weak enough now that my other desires are beginning to be able to defeat it. They never could before.
My relationship with God is also cracking to the core, again because of doubt. Basically, my entire relationship with God has been a long struggle of trying to get my devotional life exactly right. Trying to figure out how to pray, how to read the Bible, how do get the devotion thing down. I've accomplished things few people have - I've read the Bible through three or four times, I've prayed for hours and hours (Ok, I know neither of these two things is impressive at all next to anybody who's really anything in the faith. But compared to most Christians, I've excelled) ... and that ugly thought I just voiced eats away at me, undermining everything. I can't throw myself into my devotional life with my whole heart if I doubt my motivations. So my devotional life cracks and struggles, because I wonder if it matters to anyone. God is not impressed by my Bible reading, God is not impressed by my prayer, God is NOT IMPRESSED.
Finally, even my imagination is not completely immune to doubt. I now see how isolated I am from other people. I am the most self-centered person I know. LOOK AT THIS WHOLE BLOODY POST, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! The entire thing is about me, me, me, me. All my thoughts, all my attention, all my insight is directed at one person - MYSELF. Concern and care for others are surprises for me - all the habits of my mind focus on myself. And my imagination has done this, or at least has helped. I live so much in my thought world, in my imagination, that a huge chunk of what I live for and love is buried inside it.
All my affections are wrong. The problem with me is this - I want my life back! I want to rebuild my cracking world, dispel the doubts, retreat within the three pillars of my existence. No, that isn't all I want, but it's a huge part of it. The rest of it ... the other part of me ... I don't know what it wants, exactly. I don't know what I want, apart from these things, perhaps because my mind is so used to categorizing everything as relates to them. I guess I blindly, dumbly, want to be free. Even more than that, I want the truth. I want the truth about how I should live, what I should do, how to live in this crazy world without my pillars. And it's hard to get that other part of me to be helpful in any way. I can't use it to help me do schoolwork, because then I wonder if I'm trying to put the first pillar back together. I can't use it to help me have regular devotions (though I've tried), because I fear putting the second pillar back together. And I can't use it to build an imagination.
I feel trapped. Trapped because I see the pillars of my existence, and I know they ought to crashing down. Trapped because it seems like any move I make will only strengthen one of them. Trapped because I don't know what it is that I want, only that I want something real. Something true. Something that won't crack when I try to build a life on it. I guess I want God, but I don't know how to want Him. I don't know how to want Him without using Him to rebuild pillar number 2. My schoolwork presses at me, but I don't know how to do it without rebuilding pillar number 1. And all I want to do is escape into an endless stream of fantasy and thought, but then I cut myself off from the rest of the world, which isn't right either.
Fear not - stand firm, and witness the deliverance of the Lord.
That quotation pops out at me. I don't know if it's right or appropriate. I've been struggling with this seeming breakup and collapse of my pillars for about a year, maybe a year and a half now. It's driven me near madness at times. I still don't have an answer or way out. I've never been able to put it quite so clearly before. Some of you may be thinking that my thoughts are about as clear as mud, but its an improvement over what I have been thinking, let me tell you!
I know that I can't commit suicide - brought myself perilously close about a year ago, close enough to see that I can't. God has too firm a grip on me. I don't know if there is an answer, a way out - I'm not even sure I clearly know what I'm talking about when I say "answer" or "way out." I guess I'm looking for some principle, something firm to build my life on. I'm looking for a reason to do my homework, to have my devotions, to dream. I wonder if I'm just looking for a way back into the "golden years of yore" before the doubt came. I guess a fairly clear way of putting it is to say that I'm trying to answer the question of what to live for. And how to live it.
Yes, I know the Westminster Shorter Catechism. I know Jesus said to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself. I know those things. But I'm still waiting for something. I'm not even sure clearly what I'm waiting for. Maybe I'm waiting for some grand, new revelation for what they mean, some way to be unique and special and admirable. But I feel like I'm waiting to see God. If I imagine a chance to see Jesus, a chance to talk to Him, a chance to follow Him, my heart leaps for joy, as if that is the thing I'm waiting for. But Jesus already called me to follow him. Maybe I'm just stupidly waiting for some heavenly pyrotechnics, some miraculous occurrence to validate my miserable existence.
Or maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe this whole waiting thing is intellectual narcissism of the highest order. Maybe I just need to get a life and start doing the practical things of it. Maybe I should join something, do something, anything to get me in more contact with people. My heart screams at the thought. Imagining it feels like murdering my own heart, and marching off into my future as an automaton.
Or maybe I'm wrong again, and this depression and sense of internal collapse is going to be the state of affairs for the rest of my life. Maybe that's the whole (confusing) Christian idea of brokenness. After all, God can use me while I'm depressed. Maybe this past year hasn't been a journey, but a destination. Maybe there is no "answer." No "way out." Maybe its stupid or foolish or even wicked to try for one.
I feel like I've lost the things I gave my heart to ... or more precisely, I gained them and found they weren't what I wanted them to be, and now I'm looking for something, anything, worthy of giving my heart to, giving my all for. Yes, of course God is the answer; He always is. But how? For ten years, I've struggled with giving my heart to God and finding that I was only giving it to a system of devotions. That's not quite true - I love God. That's one thing I've learned for certain definite sure over the last year ... that, and God is good.
And yet, somehow, in the middle of all this, I still have to go on with life. I still have to do my homework. I still try to do my devotions. And I still love my imagination, my idea-realm. My idea-realm is a wonderful escape, to a place where people know what to do, know what is good and what is evil, and can devote their life to it. God is still generous. In all this internal struggle, my external affairs have proceeded fairly well. My GPA is still high. My devotions (when I have them) are still good. And I still love my books. But the only thing I feel like I have a heart for any more is the fantasy, the idea-world.
What a crazy, mixed-up guy. Yeah. Maybe even certifiable. But God is good, and has given me more than I could ever imagine or dream. He's given me you - my precious friends. He's given me my wife. He's given me Himself. I can't fault God, no questions there.
