March 04, 2005
Thoughts of Kids
* to those of you who might wonder, no, to the best of my knowledge, Nikki and I are not expecting at this time *
It is so incredibly weird to think of myself as possibly being a father. Last year, when I was talking with Daniel McBride and trying to get some insight into the whole marriage thing I was about to plunge into, the topic of kids came up. His reaction to the whole subject was strong and negative enough that it made me worry. He most certainly did not want to have kids - possibly ever, and certainly not for a while. I wasn't surprised that he felt that way, but I was surprised at how strongly he felt that way. It seemed a little wrong to me ... part of getting married is accepting responsibility for any children you might have, and to express so much distaste for that seemed ... wrong, I guess. Certainly, for Nikki to become pregnant would be difficult for us - a lot of plans would have to change. But it would be ok. God would help us adjust and provide what we needed so we could greet our little one.
At the moment, we don't plan on having kids for at least another two and a half years or so. It would be hard having kids at this point, when so much moving is on the horizon and when we really don't have very much money at all. I intend to enjoy to the fullest the days of young married life without the distractions of kids. It is nice. The very thought of becoming a father isn't a part of my imagination I've often touched. It's an odd and wonderful thought. And more than a little scary. How in the world am I supposed to help raise a child in this world? Our culture is poisonous to kids. How could I take responsibility for training and loving and caring for a little one in a world like this? I'd be tempted to flee to the farthest deserts of Mongolia, where at least I don't always have to worry about the corrosive effect of the environment. Another part of me is altogether excited, even at imagining the thought. Talk about a perfect artificial intelligence experiment! When we do have kids, I think that a recurrent theme in my mind is going to be awe ... that this little bundle of carbon atoms has something in him that I can never add to my most powerful programs. It'll be so much fun to watch the little kid learn! To look and realize that my child is seeing the world for the very first time. What an exciting thought, seeing the world for the first time! Seeing the grass and marvelling that it is green, gazing into the sky and not recognizing clouds ... think of the wonders of this world that we've become so callous to that my little child will see for the first time. It's fascinating thinking of what it will be like to watch a real live person grow and learn and figure things out. At the moment, my nearest analog is my pride in producing a computer program that works. But imagine watching a kid learn to walk! To steal cookies! To smile! To talk! To do all these wonderful things that I can't even figure out how it is possible! Amazing! A real person! Different from Nikki or me, yet part of both of us! And our solemn responsibility to teach and instruct and love.
To love, love, love. To love unconditionally, making absolutely sure that the child understands that he or she is valuable for who they are, not for what they do. To pour out affection, appreciation, applause, acceptance ... all the wonderful things that God does for us. Imagine how much I'll learn about God and His love as I struggle to love my little one the same way my Father loves me.
Of course, there's the whole discipline issue. I have to make sure that no matter how much I love the kid that he or she has to realize that there are rules and boundaries, and that crossing them will result in immediate and certain pain. The kid is not going to be a little bundle of happiness all the time (though he or she will always be a little bundle of joy). I'll have to discipline my temper - I never, never want my children to be afraid of me. I don't want them to ever fear meeting my eyes, or barging in to talk to me. Already, I guess that'll be a struggle for me, because I hate being interrupted while I'm in the middle of things. How in the world am I going to curb my impatience and frustration so I can give them the attention they need. And how am I going to make sure that I give them not only soft, tender love but discipline and dependability harder than steel? How can I at once shower affection and sternly direct? It is, of course, not my job to be the kid's friend, it is my task to be their father, which is more. It is our task as parents to protect our children, to teach them, to train them, to love them ... and to enjoy them.
Yes, I know this post is terribly scatter-brained and loose-jointed and repetitive. I'm simply typing the ideas as they occur to me. How wonderful, how terrible, how awesome, how humbling, how glorious, how fascinating it will be to have kids!
If the Lord gives them to us, of course.
