June 16, 2005
The Necessity of Hypocrisy
One of my most unusual traits as a person is my tendency to make every effort to be honest about myself, to act in such a way that my actions show who I am on the inside. The charge of "hypocrisy" is one of the most painful that can be brought against me, and I am (trying to be) constantly on the lookout for hypocrisy in my behavior. I try to be as open as possible about myself, willing to reveal just about anything about myself to anyone who asks (or is even willing to listen to me for a while).
People's reaction to this has been mixed. My friends get used to it as one of my personal idiosyncrasies and gracious put up with me. Some people admire the tendency, but are also glad that it is me, not them. I think that most people are surprised and skeptical that such an approach to life can last, or is anything but an expression of naivete. I'm not sure myself.
But this post wasn't supposed to be about my tendency, but rather about the messages society sends us about such behavior. Two instances from my childhood might show the dichotomy. Once, when I was about twelve or thirteen, some friend of our family complimented us children on how well behaved and agreeable we were. I couldn't let such a misconception go uncorrected, so I gravely informed the person that me and my siblings fought viciously and often. Later that day, my father took me aside and told me that had been the wrong thing to do. I remember him saying, "I know you think you're just being honest" and going on to say something to the effect that a person should exercise discernment in what he or she tells people.
When I was younger, I had an enormous struggle to maintain control of my temper. I could not handle losing at all. I honestly used to go nuts if I lost at anything. As my parents struggled to teach me to control my temper and lose gracefully, I remember that, after a particularly painful loss in some game or other, I congratulated the opposing team on their victory (or made the best attempt I could at it). My father talked to be later about that, saying basically that it was wrong for me to put up a good, sportsmanlike face on the outside, when "on the inside, you're seething." Dad was quite right that I was seething. While what I said on the outside was "Good game," but what I felt on the inside was "I want to tear your heart out and eat it," or something to that effect.
CS Lewis says something about this struggle in Mere Christianity. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost my copy of the book, so you'll have to put up with my paraphrase. He said that as a Christian strives to bring his life into line with what the Bible teaches, he or she basically puts on a mask and pretends to be a better person than he or she actually is. He relates an old fairy tale about a man whose face was so hideous he was forced to wear a mask for his entire life. At the very end of his life, when he was able to remove the mask, he found his face had changed shape to fit the contours of the mask. I suppose, as a general statement, Lewis would argue that we become like the people we pretend to be.
Needless to say, I've never felt quite comfortable with that thought. Jesus seems to be dead-set against people who put on righteous masks and pretend to be perfect. I suppose His anger wasn't so much directed against the Pharisees for the fact that they were trying to be good, but at the fact that they believed they were good. As I've noted before, He once said, "I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." I think what He means is this: Jesus came for everyone ... but He is of no use to people who are secure in their own righteousness, people who believe the masks they assume.
I think mask-wearing is essential in life. After all, it's probably a bad idea to cuss people out (even when we feel like it), to explode in fury at losing (even when you feel it on the inside) ... quite simply, a person without self-control is at about the developmental stage of an unpleasant two-year-old. And what is self-control but an ability to force yourself to behave in a manner you don't want to?
Does that mean I think that my policy of honesty at all costs is wrong? (Actually, I have been thinking about discernment issues, but let me save that for later ...) No, I get out of the apparent dead-end by trying to be honest about when I'm wearing a mask. Everyone wears masks. But I'm willing to tell anyone who asks (or listens to me) what's underneath it.
I think the problem with hypocrisy is hypocrites who believe that their masks are genuine. In my earlier example of my congratulating my opponents after a painful loss, it wasn't wrong for me to hide my anger ... but it would have been wrong for me to congratulate myself on being a good sport. A real good sport is a person who can genuinely say to the victor "good game" and mean it. I was only pretending ... but as long as I remembered that fact and continued to try to become a real good sport, I think it was all right.
I'd better wrap this up; it's almost time for me to go. I think my thoughts boil down to this ... pretend to be the very best person you can be ... and never forget that you are pretending.
And there are certain issues with the word "best" above ...
