A strange realization hit me earlier this week. I am sure that I have known this for quite some time, yet the thought never moved to the front of my mind. It seems quite odd to me the number of times that happens in my head, although I'm sure it is a common occurrence.
The realization, as I said, is more like the admittance of a thought that has been with me for some time now. While I am sure that I will always remember my sister perished on April 11, 2003, I have forgotten the last time actually I saw my sister.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I remember what took place the last day I saw her. Specifically, the last glimpse that I had of her was through my rear-view mirror as I drove away from dropping her off at my cousin's driveway. I'm fairly certain that it was a Saturday evening. I remember that a track meet had taken place earlier in the day. However, I can't remember anything more specific than that. I don't remember the way she was wearing her hair. I don't remember anything that we said to each other. I don't remember what was playing on the radio. I don't remember what she was wearing. I don't remember why she was going to my cousin's in the first place. I can not remember any single specific thing about the last time I saw my sister.
And that truly was the last time I saw her. I did not go home the next weekend because I wanted to work on a paper. I had not planned on going home the weekend she died until my mother called with the news of what happened. Though everyone who did see her body said it was unscathed, my parents insisted on having a closed-casket visitation and funeral. I never had a real chance to say good-bye to my sister's body. I don't think having that chance would have changed many of my experiences and thoughts in the next few months, but I do believe it would have helped me in those first few days.
Not remembering the details of my last parting with my sister is most likely perfectly normal. After all, I didn't know that it would be our last time together. Why would my mind memorize what happened with photographic detail? There was no reason for it to do such a thing. Nothing memorable happened going to or returning from my cousin's house, and my sister and I left each other as we always did. It was probably even more boring than usual since my sister had returned recently from a track meet and was tired.
While the anniversary of my sister's death is rapidly approaching (and falls on Easter, in fact), the anniversary of my last moments with my sister has already passed. I think it probably happened on March 27. If I really wanted to do so, I could research it with my high school to find out when the track meet occurred. My parents might even know when it happened. The thing that feels weird to me, though, is that I do not want to know. I'm a bit curious about the date we said our last good-byes, but other than that it doesn't matter to me.
And that fact makes me feel like I'm being callous towards my sister's death. It makes me feel like I was a horrible friend to her and an even worse brother.
There is more I would like to say, but I don't want to say it right now. I need time to collect my thoughts. This may be continued in a day or two.
Posted by Randy at April 8, 2004 01:56 AM | TrackBack