Vengeful Cynic

On Motivation

Really fascinating notions on what motivates people.

The Protestors Become the Patients

Just in case any of you were wondering about what healthcare reform is doing to America, it looks like it's going to be providing mental health services to those who most desperately need them and just in time:

On Immunization

Since I set off a firestorm on my facebook page this afternoon regarding the notion of immunization, I figured I'd come over here and at least string together a couple of links with my thoughts on the subject.

Here are the two Wired articles that got the whole thing started:

An Epidemic of Fear: How Panicked Parents Skipping Shots Endangers Us All
How to Win an Argument About Vaccines

Some more digging around found me a slightly more even-handed article in Newsweek featuring an interview with Paul Offit (mentioned in one of the Wired articles):

Stomping Through A Medical Minefield

In going through this, there was a tangent in the conversation that went towards flu vaccines with an interesting analysis of how the numbers that justify them seem slightly inflated. This article is good stuff but is really tangentially-related at best to the discussion of infant immunizations:

Does The Vaccine Matter?

Let me just say, to those who are on the other side of this issue, I would really like to see some cogent and well-documented, well-researched argumentation. The problem is that I can't find it. I'm not sure if it's not there because the research is expensive and hasn't been done yet or simply because my Google-fu can't slice through 70,000 autism/anti-vaccination conspiracy whacko websites (and, make no bones about it, Jenny McCarthy is a freaking whacko), but if anyone can find me any well-researched argumentation, I'm all-ears.

In the mean-time, I'll toss you this fascinating Wikipedia article in closing. Of particular interest are the half-dozen cases in the last 150 or so years since widespread vaccination where isolated communities stopped vaccinating and the results. And before you start mouthing about Wikipedia, note that all of this article's really interesting and salient points are well-documented with outside reference materials. In fact, I encourage you to look over this article's reference section... it's a real treasure-trove of myth-debunking links.

Vaccine Controversy*

*note: I hard-linked to the Wikipedia entry as posted at time of my posting this so that you don't get there to see "penis" scrawled all over the page and question my sanity. This is STILL Wikipedia after all.

Things I Miss About East Texas

When Iowans ask me about living in Texas and what Texas is like, it's the gems like this that I pass along to them and say "yeah, that's Texas."

To quote the relevant part for posterity:

A Smith County woman told authorities she arrived home to find a man walking out of her residence, who claimed he only wanted to make her some cornbread.

According to reports from the Smith County Sheriff's Office, the woman called deputies to her home on County Road 219 after she encountered a neighbor leaving her home.

The report stated the woman also found her blankets had been removed from her bed and spread out on the floor. Charges are expected in the case.

Oh Texas, you so crazy.

The New Math

This is vastly entertaining and probably offensive to at least some of my readership. Good times.

Best Tantrum Ever

I can't help but suspect I'm missing out on something by not having this translated for me.

The Hours We Work

There's been a rather interesting flame war going on inside of the International Game Developers' Association over the sorts of hours that a developer should be expected to work in order to balance out one's Quality of Life. The whole thing started over at an IGDA Studio Heads "Hotseat" Panel where Mike Capps from Epic noted that he hires his employees with the expectation that they will work a number of 60-hour weeks and get rewarded for it. The part that puzzles me is that there are people who take issue with this.

Now, let's note for a moment that I don't necessarily feel like I would want to work for a place like that, nor would I like to end up at a company that finds me working long hours when it had been advertised as quite the opposite.

That having been said, I understand that there are companies out there who, by nature, do not have standard 9-5, 40 hour schedules. That's the nature of the beast, and there are going to be companies that work insane hours, unreasonable schedules and groove on crunch-time, especially in an economy like this one. And I'm okay with that, as long as they're up-front with their new hires.

And yet, there are people who find that any company who works its employees more than 40 hours a week for any reason, even when said employees know what they're getting into, is being terribly immoral and unethical. Maybe it's just me and my capitalistic and libertarian ways, but I really don't see how there's a problem with that.

The best argument that I've seen (and believe me, "best" is simply a relative term) is that when industry-leading companies set up unhealthy work cultures where their employees don't have personal/work time balance or have substandard quality of life, that sort of thing will spread. And, to be fair, a cursory examination of the US and UK during the Industrial Revolution will bear that out to some extent.

On the other hand, the people employed in my field are professionals with education and who command relatively high salaries for what they do. We're not exactly 9-year-old children being put to work in factories and sweat-shops for subsistence wages. Most entry-level programming jobs that I know of pay well above the median income... granted that's with a 4-year degree, but still.

In fact, compare software developers to, say, individuals with liberal arts and/or teaching degrees. Nobody really bats an eye when teachers spend numerous hours grading outside of their 9-5 nor when graduate students or professionals of the liberal arts spend long hours writing papers and conducting research. Simply put, there are jobs that are 9-5 and there are jobs that are anything but, and not only are software developers paid well for working long hours, they are usually aware up-front when a job will require those hours.

And if you're lied to, you need to vote with your feet. Sure, the economy's bad right now, but if you know what the hell you're doing, you can find a job out there with an honest company. And if you aren't willing to do that, you deserve the treatment you're getting.

Seriously?!

I don't know what the laws are in Britain regarding the protection of classified materials, but I'm pretty sure that this sort of thing is illegal.

A cursory Google search yielded the Cabinet Office's HMG Security Policy Framework.

The best part of all of this is that Labor Party Member and former London Mayor Ken Livingstone went out and told reporters that it would be wrong for such an experienced officer to resign "for holding a piece of paper the wrong way". Look, mistakes will happen, I understand that. But if you can't take the time to put classified information in a freaking folder, you deserve to lose your job.

Anatomy of a Train-Wreck

So, for those of you who haven't heard of Joaquin Phoenix, he's kind of a big deal in modern American movies. Not a huge deal, but well, he played Johnny Cash in Walk the Line, he played Commodus in Gladiator and has played a number of major and minor roles in significant films over the last decade.

Anyways, he's stated that he's retiring from film to go into the music industry as a rapper.

But really, to understand this, you need to watch the Letterman bit:

And after that, there was the appearance last night at the LIV night club in Miami. Apparently, first he kept the crowd waiting for hours and then when he finally went on stage, this happened shortly after:

Some people argue that this whole scene is a joke, others assert that the man is the next Andy Kaufman. Me? I think he's INSANE. And I think it's hilarious. This guy makes Gene Ray look like a rational and well-reasoned professor of advanced science.

Gene Ray Explains Time Cube

For those who haven't seen the site: www.timecube.com

Full disclaimer, Gene Ray is an idiot, a dumb hick and a homophobe. He is a racist moron who demonstrates everything that is wrong and nothing that is right with rural America and the South. He's also the human equivalent of a train wreck... you'd love to look away but you just can't.

Buy Diabetic!

I stumbled across this article from the Chicago Sun-Times as a result of a lot of angst and hand-wringing on a number of conservative blogs that I blog-roll (yes, I am still in tune with God's Own Party.) In it, the writer attempts to outline the interesting challenge that the Anderson family is undertaking to only spend money with black-owned establishments in 2009. Not black-friendly, not establishments that hire black people, but only black-owned establishments.

Now, a lot has been written about "what if someone wrote about buying only from white-owned businesses?" And to be fair, that has a place. But for the moment, I think it's an argument that should be held elsewhere. As for me, I'm only frequenting establishments owned by people with diabetes in the hopes of getting a documentary of my own. After all, what's the point of having principles if you're not using them to make money for you? And in my books, that's the real lesson that the Anderson family has to teach.

Auto Companies in 2009

Nerd God

While some of my friends may debate my Overlordship...

Election Amusements

Other truly inspirational images regarding my feelings on the electoral issues below the fold...

Why So Serious?

Just in case you felt that things around here were getting too serious.

Everyone's a Critic

Criticism of Sarah Palin from the Mouths of Karl Rove, Bill O'Reilly, Dick Morris, Nancy Pfotenhauer and Sarah Palin:

Even Jason Bourne is Afraid:

Chrome is Slick

For those of you who haven't seen it yet, Google Chrome is amazingly slick and fast. Really, it's everything that Firefox 3.0 wanted to be, but tons faster, tons more stable and much less of a memory hog.

It also has an awesome features page to tell you more, and an even cooler illustrated book about the features (that you really won't appreciate unless you're a big CS nerd.)

Best Coloring Book Ever

Really, words fail to do this justice:

The Flood of 2008

For those of you who were curious, some statistics and a slick map of the flooding area in Cedar Rapids.

Flood stage on the Cedar River: 14 feet
Old Record (set in 1928): 21 feet
New Record: 31.1 feet
City Blocks Flooded: 1600 (~9.2 sq. miles)
Evacuees Displaced: ~24,000
Total City Population: 123,944 (2006 U.S. Census Bureau estimate)
Current Damage Estimates: $736 million

A Slick Google Map of the Flooding

View Larger Map

YouTube Video of the Flooding (filmed from atop the hotel I stayed in while interviewing)

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

I'd like to thank Dr. Watson for pointing me in this direction.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Achmed Sings Christmas Carols

Juggler of Doom

How to catch extra food at a barbecue:

http://view.break.com/401423 - Watch more free videos

Amusing Things

I'm working on a serious post or two, but they're going badly, so it's time for me to post fun things instead.

Starting Off

I received an email today entitled thusly:

"Smart People Buy Pi"

Out of curiousity... where does one buy pi? And can one buy e and i there as well? I hear theta is running at half-price.

Stop Wench-on-Wench Violence

I've been saying for years that arming wenches is nothing but trouble. This case in Kentucky proves my point. A man's ex-wench, armed with a meat cleaver, proceeded to attack his wench, who was armed with a gun. Violence ensued and the former was shot by the latter, who was cut up pretty good with the aforementioned cleaver. Clearly, the man involved should have kept both the cleaver and the gun and then nobody would have gotten hurt.

Parties of Sin

And no, I'm not talking about sex toy parties. Apparently, some moron got the idea that selling color-coordinated tasers to women in tupperware-esque parties. Yeah... that's right, more arming of wenches... that's never a good thing. Don't taze me, wench! Yeah... that'll work, so for the love of God, stop arming wenches!

Expense It!

And since we're on the subject of wenches, I suppose I should touch on the two uniquely female professions. First up we have ladies of the night, or escorts as they're now called. Well... I suppose this isn't an indictment of the escorts so much as it is of the moron using the escort services: namely, escorts are not a business expense. If you use your company credit card to pay for them, your company may fire you.

Of course, the counter-argument is entertaining: escorts are a lot like furniture and in a company-owned apartment, the company should pay for them. And, while entertaining and certainly expensive ($12,000 worth), that's really not the point. However, I think the words of Mr Sinadinos should be used here, as I can't even summarize the next part with a straight face: "Buying escort services for 'company' was not dissimilar to buying fittings for an apartment. I could not differentiate [escort services] from buying a rack on which to put food on for my apartment. I would leave that to an accountant."

High Price Entertainment

But $12,000 for several months' worth of "escorting" pales in comparison to the treatment that this fellow got at a strip club. The workers at said strip club charged him $6000 for what he terms at two drinks for himself and three for a stripper. Oh... and they tried to charge his card for another $10,000, but that was declined.

One could make all sorts of jokes about dens of ill repute, not to mention the simple fact that sex, drugs and alcohol are known to cloud the brain... but $16,000?! I'm fairly certain someone is owed a fairly substantive chunk of change. On the other hand, he could have tried to tip big and regretted it in the morning. One never knows in the affairs of the ... heart.

Bring Back Chauvinism

And how could we avoid all of these nasty problems of wanton women wielding weapons? What about a return to simpler times where men were men and women knew their places? When women didn't command space shuttles and inspire their daughters to violent and unseemly behavior? I know that I, for one, could do with a return to the halcyon days of yore.

Reminds Me of LeTourneau

And lastly, we have this gem. For all of the women behaving badly that I've headlined, I think this mostly makes up for it in one go. I've not actually watched the show, but the clip amused the hell out of me ti the extent that I might start:

Despair!

I have to thank Leatherwood for finding and sending me this fine shirt (the first one listed). While I'm not going to do my readership the disservice of showing a picture of my ugly self wearing this shirt, I will link
this enlarged picture of the shirt in addition to this smaller image. The only thing that makes me sad is that the image fails to show the cool text on the front bearing the simple yet poignant phrase, "knock, knock."

And damn... it is a fine shirt. Thank you muchly, good sir Leatherwood.

Writers Strike with Ninja Fury

Apparently Ask A Ninja is also in favor of the Writers' Guild. I always knew I liked that guy.

Vote Jedi!

Hell, I'd vote for him.

24: The Unaired 1994 Edition

I'm really not a 24 fan, but this keeps popping up everywhere and I personally find it hillarious. PG-13 for language.

Shakespearian Cynic

Presume not that I am the Vengeful Cynic I was.

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

As flies to wanton boys, are we to the Vengeful Cynic
They kill us for their sport.

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

Come not between the Vengeful Cynic and his wrath.

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

He jests at scars that never felt a Vengeful Cynic.

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts! Unsex me here,
And fill me from the crown to the toe top full
Of direst Vengeful Cynic.

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

Get your own quotes:

Computer Maintenance: A Tale of Incompetence and Deceit

As anyone who's been in the computer repair industry for any length of time will tell you: the industry is just as bad as the auto repair industry and perhaps worse. We too have the mechanics who will lie to you and give you $800 repairs that you don't need, grossly misdiagnose simple problems with your computer, and just plain try to sell you upgrades and replacements that you neither need nor want. In fact, this video expose that the CBC ran a little while back is shockingly typical of what I've seen.

Now, that was just the summary... really, just the tip of the iceberg. The fact of the matter is that to get a job as a technician for most of these companies, all you need is an A+ Certification, which is the computer equivalent of a GED. To make matters worse, because these companies want cheap labor, they don't bother with ongoing training, continuing evaluations or even any attempts to encourage their employees to seek further certifications. Most of these companies are more than happy with their subpar employees and would be happier still if they could just get you to overlook the fact that their help is incompetent and overpriced. Oh... and if you thought that summary was bad, you might want to run away now rather than clicking here for a fuller look into the heart of darkness.

Nuclear Power

Every now and again I find something online that just makes me furious. In this case, it's the morons over at Nukefree.org (link not provided so as to not give these idiots any more traffic.)

Before I show this video that's pissing me off, a couple of facts.

1) Coal fire plants kill an estimated 30,000 Americans each year.

2) Due to a decrease in the availability of easily-mined coal, riskier mining practices are being used. Just watch the news. Did you see all of these people dying in mining accidents 15 years ago?

3) Experts believe that every year, there are thousands who die from coal accidents in China alone and the WHO estimates that approximately 3 million people globally are killed by complications linked to fossil fuel emissions.

4) At the most liberal estimates, total mortalities that can be attributed to nuclear power over the last fifty years are somewhere around 6,750 to 38,000. Even with the highest estimate, that turns out to be about 760 people a year. If you make that the last 25 years, it comes out to 1,520 people a year. And that includes Chernobyl.

5) While maintaining this low level of mortalities, nuclear power, until last year, provided more power in the US than natural gas.

6) And perhaps most interestingly, nuclear power over the course of the fuel life cycle in a reactor, produces approximately as much carbon emissions as does the wind.

And seriously? We're worried about nuclear energy? Apparently some musicians are:

MS-DOS 5

For those of you who appreciate quality advertising for slightly older software:

Well... perhaps "quality" is a bit strong of a word.

So Proud

You Are 8% Texas

Damn Yankee! You think the sun comes up just to hear you crow.

I would only be prouder if I had made a 0%.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

For those of you who aren't football fans, Appalachian State University beat University of Michigan (the #5 ranked school in the AP Poll) on Saturday. Just to give you an idea for how small this school is, here's an old recruiting video that they actually released:

Educate US Americans and Fix The Iraq

I ought to start a charity for this. Geographers for American Education and Fixing The Iraq.

Feel free to copy this and send a link back to me. Also, if you've got a better one, send me a link. In fact, I will happily send candy to the best banner I get with lesser prizes going to other amusing entries.

Come on people, get maps in the hands of US Americans and save The Iraq.

Enriching Hearts and Minds

Anyone who claims that Beauty Pageants promote scholarship needs to watch this video of Miss Teen South Carolina. She got 4th place overall.

Idealogical Self-Deception

A friend of mine sent me to Conservapedia where I found this:

I screenshotted it given the transient nature of wikis. Anyone who could read that and not get a bit ill in his stomach needs a boot to the head. Anyone who could write that with a straight face... well... yeah.

Best Book Cover Ever

If I ever write a book (and I hope I do), I would like a title and cover comparable in excellence and awesomeness to this one:

Just... Wow

I haven't had an honest to God warped link in a while. I mean, I've had some special stories and stuff, but not an authentic warped link. Well, I'm making up for it in this one link.

Moan My IP

Yes... that's right... they have pre-recorded a phone sex operator or something moaning numbers in a sultry voice. So do you want to find out your external IP address in a unique way? Check it out.

The Authority on Longview Cable TV

Did you know that for a while, I was the first result on a Google search for "Longview Cable"? I'm still number three or four (depending on how you count the nested link to Longview/Kilgore Cable's contact link... but I digress. As you will note if you click on the above search, this very well-visited entry is not very complimentary of LCTV's capacity as a provider of internet services. And while I really can't complain about their capabilities in providing television, I felt that it was time that I reiterate that Longview Cable TV still sucks.

As Randy and Jared can both attest, the internet has been spotty over the course of the summer with frequent and inexplicable downtimes of varying lengths, lasting maybe 5 minutes or as much as a day. And when the internet does go down, a call to Cablelynx (Longview Cable's internet provider) tech support rarely yields anything other than a wonderful message that goes something like this, "We are currently experiencing technical difficulties in your area and hope to return internet service to normal within three to four hours."

Of course, it's not like I really have a whole lot of options. I happen to know that AT&T (formerly SBC) is just as bad, if not worse. I might go with ClearWire at some point in the future as I've been hearing rave reviews, they're a national company, and as an up-and-coming company, they are beholden to offer superior support to what the incumbent provides.

But really, since I keep getting these pageviews regarding Longview/Kilgore Cable Television, I figured I'd put up a couple more posts of information and attempt to educate more of the locals about the dangers of companies owned/operated by hicks attempting to provide "new-fangled" services like internet.

Of Breaking Laws and Immunity

I was running down my standard reading for the morning and imagine my surprise when I discovered that National Intelligence Director Mitch McConnell admits that Verizon, AT&T and others have happily tapped their customers phones at the behest of the various US Intelligence Agencies. And since they've done that, Mr. McConnell suggests that they should be given immunity for their patriotism. Which is all well and good, with the exception of one very important point: THEY BROKE THE FUCKING LAW.

Now, with apologies to my wife and others with more sensitive sensibilities who read this, why on Earth would we even consider pardoning those who would BREAK LAWS to spy on American citizens. Never mind that I'm sure they would argue that their motives are pure as the driven snow, getting warrants is hard, the secret courts are intractable and that the FISA (The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act) is inadequate, etc, etc, etc... we are a nation of laws.

Really, what I'm reading is that the National Intelligence Director is saying, "Our processes are antiquated and inadequate and rather than spend the time to suggest valid and much-needed improvements to those processes while maintaining existing oversight, we just went directly to the telcos and got them to help us end-run federal law. But since they're good, patriotic companies, you shouldn't punish them just because they broke the law." This all sounds vaguely reminiscent of another time period in American history where a threat to national security loomed so large that we couldn't possibly be bothered by legalities in our intelligence agencies.

Long story short, I find this whole business terribly troubling and doubly so that President Bush seems to expect the American people to trust that he's got our best interests at heart, we should trust him to know what he's doing, and that his people are equally above reproach and should just be given carte blanche because they love America and wouldn't ever do anything but what's best for America. Frankly, this sort of Machiavellian nonsense where, "trust me, the ends justify the means" would have troubled me in the past and with the advent of Iraq and all of the things that have come out since then, it seems painfully obvious that there is a substantial period of time where this administration hasn't the slightest idea what it's doing. And they want us to let them do whatever they feel is best without the slightest bit of oversight.

Take That, Apple

Odd News

It might have been a while since I've posted... but mostly, I'm putting these odd links up because that's what I do. Not to mention that some of these were just too good to pass up.

Public Service Announcement

Before I get into my warped links and videos though, I'd just like to repeat a public service announcement forwareded to me by the city of Raleigh, North Carolina: If you are in the area of Raleigh and you are approached by street vendors peddling lingerie, call the police. Turns out, there are about $35,000 worth of bras and panties out for sale on the streets that were stolen from area Victoria's Secret stores and police have no leads. Seriously people, buying stolen lingerie is a crime if you know it's stolen... and what honest businessman sells thongs out of the trunk of a car anyways?

Public Nuisance

Continuing on in the bent of good civic-mindedness... say that you work at a day care center... and you look out the window and see a strange car parked out front. That in and of itself is cause for a bit of concern... and then you notice that said car is rocking and the two occupants are engaged in... well... creating new customers for your day care. Amusing as that is, better still is when you call the police and the police arrive, only to find that the occupants are far too busy getting after it to even notice for a couple of minutes. As a friend of mine noted, "Looking at those mug shots, they look like such intelligent people. I don't know how they made that mistake."

The Things We Do For Love

On the topic of dumb things done for a woman's affections, we go to Hawaii. When cops tell you to do something, I don't care how much you want to do otherwise, do it. Or suffer the consequences. So, if officers have already told you twice not to ring the silly little bell on your bike unless you want a ticket for violating the noise ordinance, and it's 2 am, don't let the girl ring your bell. Just don't do it. Or you might end up like this guy, who got fined $572 by the local judge. Of course the judge could have been a bit more lenient, but some people just have no appreciation for love.

Why Wilson Travels Amtrak

You just thought Wilson rode the train to avoid flying. Turns out, they're giving frequent rail passengers a $100 credit for booze as a promotion to ride in the GrandLuxe cabins. If Wilson's not travelling GrandLuxe, he certainly needs to be. Hey Wilson, where do I get my train tickets? Even at $6 or $7 per drink and probably $30 to $40 per bottle of wine, $100 is enough to finance a VERY diverting passage by train.

I Only Thought Lake City Was Crazy

Apparently, the mayor of Federal Heights was recently tried and acquitted of criminal complicity in illegal lap-dances being performed in a strip club in his town while he was mayor. As a side-note, mayor Dale Sparks was also employed as the bouncer at said strip club while he was mayor, hence the criminal charges. Wow... compared to Federal Heights, Lake City is a tame and normal town in Colorado.
Oh wait, it gets better. You see, first, he was moonlighting as a bouncer because his job as mayor doesn't pay enough. Secondly, he was the "doorman" (read: enforcer/bouncer) and at the same time, had a bad hip... and nobody suspected that there was something untoward with a crippled mayor working as a bouncer at a strip club? And lastly, the prosecution had a video tape of the mayor walking (hobbling) by the bar while patrons were getting lap dances and yet he got acquitted of complicity? Is he blind too and nobody thought to mention that?

German Avant-Garde Film Editing

This little gem is just too good to pass up. Check it out... and watch it straight through... remember, this is all live action being video-taped in one take.

Protecting the Elderly

I can't stop laughing about this program. I mean, yeah, I get that people with HIV/AIDS are getting older, but seriously... how many septegenarians are sleeping around? I'm guessing the number isn't all that large. Even so, if it saves one, I suppose it's worth it.

A Couple of Things

First off, I found this quotation rather entertaining and fairly descriptive of the people who I typically run into: "When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bustling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity."
--Dale Carnegie

Secondly, while I am wholly against the arming of wenches, as I have mentioned elsewhere at great length, this picture is just sexy.

YouTube Debate

Tonight was one of the best Daily Show episodes in a long time. Unfortunately, the best I can do for you is to embed the links from the Comedy Central Site. They'll go dead in 30 days, but we try.

Ah... The YouTube Debate

Different and Yet Exactly The Same

We Report, You Shut Your @#$%-ing Mouth

Trendspotting (Need I Say More?)

Making Amends

In light of the fact that I've done my "go to ground for two weeks" nonsense again, I am going to make amends in the best way I know how. You've already seen my wonderful finds in the arena of political amusement and marketing, but I will attempt to render amusements from other areas in my ritual otherwise known as "it's been two weeks since I posted and my blog is looking kind of sparse."

Pasties Funding Pavement: The Adult Industry Gives Back to Brooklyn

Brooklyn, Illinois is a bedroom suburb of St. Louis. Most remarkably, its only real industry is adult-oriented entertainment, movies and bookstores. In short, the entirety of the commercial tax base is derived from XXX establishments. The truly amusing part of all of this is the vague ambivalence the community has towards the establishments and the level at which the local adult industry gives back to the community. Actually, if a visitor didn't know better, by all accounts, he would be hard-pressed to differentiate Brooklyn from any other small suburb of a big city... at least until night fell and the town's population tripled.

Excessive Nudity?!

Speaking of strippers, apparently some police raided a strip-club in Pasadena, MN and charged 14 strippers with "excessive nudity." Now, call me crazy... I understand that stripping bears a certain moral stigma and whatnot... but isn't nudity the point of stripping? As a friend of mine noted, nudity is kind of a binary condition... either you're naked, or you're not. Apparently, that's not how it works in Minnesota.

Racism for Dummies

And lastly... apparently there is a man in Belgium whose excuse for not hiring non-whites is that his dog is racist. Yes... the dog will bite anyone of color, and thus, he cannot hire them. Fortunately, the Belgian Labor Office decided that keeping a racist dog and catering to its White Supremacist leanings is still just cause for being removed from their list of potential employers. Unfortunately, the Nigerian man who brought this matter to light doesn't want his name in the news and thus has declined to file a formal complaint. Apparently, he doesn't want his family hearing about that sort of thing... can't say I blame him.

The Word on NASA

While I have frequently pulled from the amusing reportoire of Jon Stewart, Colbert has been neglected, mostly due to a difficutly finding his stuff on YouTube and the complete pain that is the Comedy Central MotherLoad video system. That said, this mockery of Michael Griffin (NASA's Chief Administrator), is too good to be ignored.

Part One: Mission Control
Once again, NASA has shown the right stuff. Other government agencies should follow their lead.

Part Two: Airogance
If mankind hasn't done something before, it can't possibly be worth trying.

Best Beer Commercial Ever

In fact, I might just have to call this one of the best commercials ever. Incidentally, it's rated PG for censored profanity. All of the profanity is censored, but if you have a creative imagination, you'll figure it out. So yeah... don't come whining to me if you end up offended.

Babysitting or Else

Alright... I know this is going to offend someone... too bad. This video is a perfect testament to why parents should keep an eye on their children, especially when out in public. In fact, I think this ought to be mandatory watching for new mommies. Incidentally, I find it freaking hillarious... but that's just me.

Movies and Numbers?

This ought to be fun for the resident film buffs as well as the number nerds. Not to mention those of us who love classic film clips mixed up in unusual ways. The challenge for all of you movie buffs is to bust out a piece of paper (or notepad, in my case) and see how many you can identify in one run through. My personal score is 43... which I'm kinda kicking myself over now that I've checked the list and re-watched it.

And before you go to the cheat-sheet, see how many of those movies you can identify. Oh... cheat sheet link is below the cut to encourage you to exercise your minds first for big cheaters like Anna.

The promised cheat-sheet.

I personally missed a coulple of glaring stand-outs like Spinal Tap, The Wizard of Oz, It's a Wonderful Life and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Among movies that I've only seen once that I missed are Fargo, 12 Angry Men, North by Northwest, and On the Waterfront. I'd just as soon not admit to having ever seen Night of the Living Dead.

The Heavens Ordain

So it would seem that I am predestined to return to blogging this week, as there are news stories hitting which I simply couldn't conceive of ignoring. The stars have aligned, and the skies have given forth madness. Behold the works of fate and the madness of man:

You're Illegally Not Using Our Product!

Now this is a little bit complicated, so bear with me. When you transmit music or video over the internet in real-time, you use something called a data stream so that people can watch it as it "streams in"... many of you have probably heard of "streaming technology" before. One of the down-sides of this is that, with the correct technology, it's fairly trivial to rip copy protection off of streamed content unless it's encrypted. Of course, the difficulty of getting this software and using it prevents most people from doing that, but it is possible.

Now, this is where Media Rights Technologies comes in. According to them, because their software can be used to encrypt these data streams and people aren't using it, those people aren't doing everything they can to stop copyright infringement and are thus in violation of the DMCA, and MRTA is suing these companies to get them to comply... by buying MRTA's software. The part where this gets really fun is that some of the companies that MRTA is planning to sue include CNN and NPR, who own almost all, if not all of the content they distribute. That's right, MRTA is going to sue these companies for not protecting their own content with MRTA's software.

Showdown at the Pops

In between the first notes of a medley from "Gigi" and the performance by Ben Folds, the unannounced percussion of thrown chairs eminated from an upper balcony at Boston's Symphony Hall, home of the Boston Pops. Conductor Keith Lockhart stopped the performance and the audience looked on as two men brawled, ripping shirts and crashing into chairs as a crowd looked on. Eventually, security made it to the brawling men, they were removed and the concert resumed. No word yet on the response of the performers or of the fate of the nutjobs, who apparently started fighting when one asked the other to quiet down.

Beaver 2.0

And from the far reaches of the high culture, we return to Geek Nirvana, where taxidermy has met with the more modern scientists. Because apparently, bored taxidermist + computer modder + dead beaver = BEAVER WITH A COMPUTER INSIDE. Just wow... really. The only thing crazier than that would be a baby going head-to-head...

Beyond Bizarre

Words fail me... really.

Amusements for All

While I work on headier stuff, here's some entertainment that I've found.

The Unit: 1, Bird: 0

This clip is an older one, but still a classic... provided with commentary and slow-motion footge.

Bird With Mad Skillz

For those who think I'm being too cruel to animals, I am even going out of my way to provide a "cute" clip of a bird who thinks he's a drum machine. He's like Gallagher, only cool and with wings.

Stupid Human Tricks

And lastly, I present the Top 10 Female Drivers of the Year. We're not worthy.

While I Think

While I'm working on a unified response to the mess that is my recent comments page (thank you Anna and Toad for the warring walls of text), I leave you with this wonderful and slightly cultured comic. Normally I don't hotlink, but this particular comic provides hotlink html code, so I guess he wants me to do it.

Hurts My Brain

I've found another crop of interesting articles and news... I know, I probably ought to save them for the next time I go on hiatus. Ah well, let's just hope I don't.

Breast Enlargement > Prozac

In a somewhat amusing, self-evident and slightly self-serving study, Plastic Surgical Nursing has just published a study in which women who received breast implants overwhelmingly reported an increase in self-esteem and sexual function (a mix of arousal, satisfaction and experience.) Of course, the study's author is quick to point out that boob jobs shouldn't be used as a universal cure for depression.

Hamilton == Classy

Several of you have heard me talk of the crappy city of Hamilton (formerly Hamilton!), which is located about 10 minutes from my mother's house in Ohio. Apparently, due to a proliferation of deadbeat dads in the county, a Hamilton pizza joint is teaming with the Butler County Child Enforcement Agency to put mug-shots of deadbeats on pizza boxes.

Sadly, the method has only netted one arrest in 6 months of use. Some, like fathers' rights advocate Maury Beaulier think it's horrible, "It's just a way of shaming people." But isn't that kind of the point? In any event, it does have just the mix of redneck tackiness and indicators of crappy residents that I've come to expect of Hamilton!... er... Hamilton.

Wrongful Purchase?!

According to the infamous Diebold Election Systems Inc., the State of Massachusetts wrongfully picked another company to supply thousands of voting machines for the disabled. Yes, Diebold claims that Massachusetts Secretary of State William F. Galvin and his office have wronged Diebold in picking the better machine... and Diebold is so adamant that it's suing the Massachusetts.

While the company admits that it actually has no evidence of wrongdoing, negligence or even improriety, it claims that the Secretary of State at least made a mistake and is seeking to enjoin the state from distributing the machines for the coming election so that it can have the court force the state to buy Diebold Machines. Wow.... just, wow.

True To Form

As always, when I come back from a break, we get more twisted linkage and funny stuff. The longer the hiatus, the more fun stuff. Thus, buckle in... here comes a doozy.

Housing Market Slumping

For those of you who follow the news, especially as relates to the US Economy, you will recall hearing a wide variety of speculation as to the viability of the US Housing Market, especially as regards to overinflated housing prices due to speculation. Well, the home-builders are predicting an ongoing housing slump. And because they're home-builders and not bankers, they're telling it like it is in language that the common man can understand. The CEO of the second-largest building company in the nation says it best: "I don't want to be too sophisticated here, but 2007 is going to suck, all 12 months of the calendar year."

Best Legal Deposition EVER

This is 5 minutes of pure awesome. It's PG-13 or so owing to the lady's language. Incidentally, by minute 2 or 3 you might be tempted to stop watching, but keep going because it gets better. On an unrelated note: the clothing is awesome, as is the slapstick.

More Legal Fun

Herein are contained the legal woes of one Harry Franklin. Mr. Franklin continued to file suits pro se which numbered well over one hundred at the point at which this district court judge finally penned a complaint regarding Franklin's litigious and frivolous nature:

This is another chapter in the Harry Franklin saga. No longer am I tempted to call it the final chapter, as desirable as that would be to me. I mention mournfully that only the finality of death-his or mine-would enable the other of us to use the term “final” in that way. And, of course, if mine comes first, I have no doubt that another judge will someday express lamentations such as these. They will be packaged and labeled, by reason of tradition, as opinions.

Visit the link above to see a best-of run-down of Franklin's numerous lawsuits which include suits alleging the abridging of his right to be supplied with t-shirts, a $2 million suit against a television station for misidentifying a 14-wheeler as an 18-wheeler, and a lawsuit against the state for passing legislation that stands in the way of him being governor.

Ingenuity, Desperation, or Something

Shock of shocks, bathrooms were vandalized with graffiti at a Tampa high school last week. Problematically, in a school of 3000 students, all but one set of bathrooms were closed, causing problems with tardiness and long lines. In search of an answer and to avoid tardiness, students have taken up the low-tech alternatives of bushes and even water bottles as options to relieve themselves. Wow.

In The Name of Science

Because of the endangered nature of elephants, there is a larger than usual interest in ensuring their reproduction and procuring offspring. As with other endangered animals, this typically involves advanced scientific methods like sperm injections, artificial insemination etc. Unfortunately, the... unwieldy... size of an elephant poses unique difficulties... and risks. Ever gotten a black eye from an elephant's dick?

Fit to Print Redux

While I sit here cogitating on a real post, I have more signs of the coming apocalypse...

Using Too Much of Your Own Product

Apparently, some dealer thought it would be a good idea to ship some pot FedEx. And by "some" I mean SEVENTY POUNDS. 70 lbs of pot is enough to set off drug dogs in the next town... yeah, ship that FedEx from Arizona to New Jersey and see what happens.

Stealing Guard-Rails for Fun and Profit

With the advent of aluminum fetching $3 a pound for scrap metal, some Californians struck on a brilliant idea: there's tons of aluminum just lying on the side of the road. Well... it might be bolted down, but at roughly $30 a foot, the aluminum in the guard-rails is worth cutting a couple of bolts. And in one month, crooks enterprising entrepreneurs in California have stolen 3,000 feet of guard rails to the tune of ~$90,000 worth of aluminum.

Emergency 911

And lastly... the capstone of cleverness, a Salt Lake City man with a tooth-ache simply couldn't take it any more and called 911. 12 times. In 5 hours. Oh... and he was on the phone for 30 minutes several of those times. He refused an ambulance and police assistance, asserted that he wanted illegal drugs taken off the street and he wanted the phone number of someone who could help ease the pain. After police were dispatched twice to check on the man and he failed to stop calling while failing to communicate what help he needed, he was arrested for 911 abuse. When he was booked he was found to be intoxicated... with a dentist appointment scheduled for the next day.

Don't Let the Terrorists Win

Remember: If you don't dress as a gorilla today, the terrorists win.

ReFencing

When one attempts to get back to blogging regularly, the best way to do it is by posting all of the wonderful things one has found and failed to blog... at least that works for me:

Biggest DeadPool Party

Actually... it's mostly just a party planned to celebrate the death of one man: Fidel Castro. Way to go Miami... which even went so far as to establish a commission to figure out a theme, t-shirts, musicians and party duration. I do believe that this is the first time I've ever heard of a whole city planning a party to mark the death of a world leader since WWII. Apparently, the party has been in the works for some time but someone figured that with Fidel's death apparently looming, someone ought to actually make some plans.

Blame Canada

Apparently the Canadian government is currently considering whether or not to make children wear helmets while sledding. It is currently just a recommended guideline for sledding by Health Canada (the Canadian federal board of health.) I mean, I understand the risks of hitting one's head on stuff... but honestly... what's next? Rollbars for the sleds?

The Great Phallic Fence

Apparently in the Hindu faith, the Shiva Linga (read: giant penis) is a symbol of fertility and good fortune, depending on who you ask. So the proprietor of The Sappaya Spa in the town of Phuket (I'm not making this up) decided that a fence made of 18 giant penises would bring good fortune from Shiva.

Understandably, the neighbors and members of this mostly-Buddhist village were none too pleased that the Spa, which was located near the entrance to town, was sporting such a... noticeable fence. Complaints flooded in and the owner of the fence has decided to transform the phalluses into lotus blossoms.

Pachelbel Ranting

This video was passed to me by a musician friend of mine. You don't need to be a musician to appreciate it... I find it funny and I can bearly play "Hot Cross Buns."

All the News

... that probably wasn't fit to print. But it's sure funny.

Plow:1 Old Lady:0 City of Denver:$150

Apparently, in Denver, it is against the law to fail to clear your sidewalks within 24 hours of them being covered... a crime punishable by a $150 fine the first time and $500 for repeat offenses.

What if you're a little old lady and can't shovel your sidewalk on your own? Better hire help.

What if you've already hired help and the plows pushed more snow on your sidewalks?
Oops. 24 hours... or else.

"Hold it for Just a Few More Miles"

Apparently radio people at a station in Sacramento thought it would be a good idea to get some contestants, give them water and see who could hold it in for the longest. The winner gets a Nintendo Wii. The name of this charming contest? “Hold your wee for a Wii.”

It's all good... until SOMEBODY DIES. There's some good PR.

Did you know that you could die of water poisoning? I didn't.

Tasers FTW

Last but not least is this little gem which notes that giving stun guns to Houston police seems to not have had the desired effect: namely that police use their deadly guns less likely in favor of the stun-guns?

The actual effect? Well... normal shootings are following pre-existing trends but stun-gun shootings are sharply on the rise. Oh... and get this: Houston police officers have used Tasers more than 1,000 times in the past two years. But in 95 percent of those cases, they were not used to defuse situations in which suspects wielded weapons and deadly force clearly would have been justified. Oh... and in over 350 of those, no suspect was charged. That's right... over 1/3 of the time, Houston police officers are tasering people who aren't breaking any laws. That's just awesome.

Why Do Scientists Hate America?

Did you know that scientists who want to convert the country to metric actually hate America and Freedom? SI is for pussies and Europeans... stick with the American tradition of English measurement.

Compulsory metrication is undemocratic. Who ever asked you if you wanted the metric system? Our traditional, customary American weights and measures are units that we know and use easily. Miles, feet, gallons, quarts etc. are units that we are comfortable with. They are part of our heritage. Metrication will not only destroy part of our cultural inheritance, it will mean that a large percentage of Americans will be cut off from understanding measurement. The metric system is already creeping into the USA. Our way of measuring is under threat by Europeans.... fight back!

Amazing

So... you're a single guy looking to meet attractive, professional ladies. The dating scene isn't working out so you pay $1000 to join a club that proposes to fix you up with women such as those described earlier. Instead, you find yourself hooking up with ugly waitresses and the like. The next logical step is clearly a lawsuit, propelling yourself into the local news as a desperate, single 36-year-old who needs to pay $1000 to meet women. I probably would have gone with a different strategy.

Just So Everyone Knows

The headline reads like this: "Santa Butt beer ban gets reversed in Maine"

I just wanted everyone to know that beer labels with large butts and uncovered breasts on them are back in the good up in Maine. Just so you know.

Working at Wal-Mart

I honestly can't believe that anyone would want to work at Wal-Mart... but apparently they still have workers. Apparently, now Wal-Mart wants to arbitrarily schedule those workers at random shifts during the week based on Wal-Mart's scheduling needs. From all indications, this comes with no pay increase or added benefits... just the joy of working for Wal-Mart.

Now, as a fiscal conservative and a pro-business fellow, I'm not a huge fan of the union mentality. In my opinion, the modern workplace is full of unions that work to the detriment of business for the benefit of union members who have paid the most dues. That said, I'm all for the primary goal of unions, namely: providing better wages, healthcare and benefits for their members than said members could seek on their own.

Wal-Mart is scared to death of unions, and with good reason. Ask any Wal-Mart employee: they are treated like shit, their pay is less than comparable employees working for other stores, management uses cheesy gimmicks to avoid providing full-time benefits for many workers, and the list goes on. Any one of those things would be a good reason for Wal-Mart workers to unionize... all of them combine for a scenario where it's just a matter of time. Don't ask me to make bets on when, but I can see it happening.

Like I said, normally, modern unions just make me sick. But in this case, I'd help out in the organization drive.

Buy Now!

The Zune

I'm making no secret of the fact that I think the MS Zune is a piece of crap iPod knock-off. That said, I was shocked to find out how the Zune came to be.

Why Does This Amuse Me?

I have no idea why I can't stop watching this and laughing.

From the Pile

Just because I haven't been posting hasn't meant that the stuff coming to me has stopped piling up. Here are a couple of the fun ones:

A History of the Wilhelm Scream Through Movie Clips:

A Thorough Justification for Piracy

For those who have attempted to debate my rationalizations of various forms of piracy, I give you a justification for pirating BBC products. Please note: pirating HBO products has, in fact, been proven to prevent cancer by Swedish experts from the Piratbyrån.

Lawsuits for Haxx

And lastly, the WoW crowd will probably appreciate this a bit more than the non-players, but I hope you'll all be amused. World of Warcraft just released a patch which eliminated the ability for a variety of third-party interface modifications (known as mods) to do complex decision-making and acting at the push of a button. In short, they've eliminated a variety of programs that skirted close to game automation (which is against the game's Terms of Service) and a variety of players are unhappy. Some even feel that they could get away with suing Blizzard (the makers of WoW) and win. Look, if (and that's a big if) some of these people are actually handicapped and these mods let them play in a way approaching a fully-functional person, I feel for them. But what's next? Sue the makers of Dance Dance Revolution? You do not have an inalienable right to play video games.... sorry.

The Dread Forums

For those of you who have had the chance to visit video game forums (especially of the MMORPG variety), this article on the identifying and classification of forum whiners should amuse you.

For those of you who have never had the oppurtunity, read the article and go away with the knowledge that you are better for never having gone to such a forum. Unless you're Ardith... and then you're probably sad that there's a whole classification of forums out there that you haven't trolled.

Customer Interaction

It's not often that you see a company representative crack back on an idiot customer in the company forums, so I figured that I would highlight one such instance.

A warning: the game is World of Warcraft... one which many of you have been fastidiously avoiding the very mention of. That said, the referenced interaction is so peripherally involved that you really don't even need to understand anything about the game. It makes a little bit more sense if you understand that the game as it stands only allows land-bound movement (i.e. walking, riding a horse) and while the new expansion will include flying abilities, these abilities will only be allowed in a new area as existing areas weren't created with the additional requirements that non-land-bound movement imposes. Oh... the quotation?

You're right, we could completely half ass the entire thing and put invisible walls everywhere breaking immersion, making flight in Azeroth counter-intuitive, and even less useful than if we hadn't even spent the time in the first place.

If you want to pretend you know how to design a game, or more importantly, you know the design of this game including the personnel, tools, and logistics involved, you can go right ahead, but I would appreciate it if you didn't call me a liar when my statements don't match up with your armchair musings. Thank you.
- Drysc - Blizzard World of Warcraft Community Manager

Pithy Election Analysis

I don't think I can say it any better than this:

Robot Insurrection

A while ago, I read about a robot sommelier that can scan bottles of wine and identify the contents without opening the bottle. Apparently said robot can do the same thing with meat and cheese, leading a reporter to insert his own finger for identification. The result? Bacon. I, for one, welcome our new finger-eating overlords.

In other signs of the coming apocalypse, outgoing MS co-president Jim Allchin is so confident in the security of Windows Vista that he has his son running it without an anti-virus. I think this should instead be filed under 101 signs that MS Execs are retards... right next to the Zune. Speaking of, the New York Times has a review up of the Zune... which indicates that it's just like the iPod except that it's bigger, heavier, harder to use, and brown. Oh, and the much-anticipated wireless antenna knocks a whole hour off of the battery life on each charge.

Post-Election Drama

For those of you irritated that the election isn't already dealt with and who are sick of the drama, maybe this will cheer you up. Turns out that some people just can't handle the stress of electronic voting.

Bad Reasoning 101

Typically, I stay away from the Rap Scene. This is due in no small part to the fact that, while a great deal of rap amuses me, my wife hates almost all rap with a passion that burns. Oh... and with actual regards to the Rap Scene, there is the small matter of my disdain for the Urban Sub-Culture, but that's a discussion for another time.

In any event, for those of you not in the know, we have just passed the epic annual event known as the MTV Europe Music Awards. Yeah, I know, it just sneaks up on me every year too. Anyways, apparently Kanye West thought he had the Best Video Award locked in and the shock of not winning it went to his head. So much so that he sat in stunned silence for a while before responding.

But when West did respond, he rushed the stage, seized a microphone and cut loose with a profanity-laden tirade, criticizing those who failed to seize upon his greatness and reward it. In chastising them, West noted that his video for "Touch the Sky should have won because it "cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons." Continuing, West proclaimed, "If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility."

You know, with stuff like that going on, maybe I'll be watching more of these award shows. It's hard to justify missing them when you know that if West doesn't win, you'll be treated to such pearls of wisdom.

Light Tax

It would appear that Ted Stevens has been doing some governmental consulting in India. Apparently, using a fiberoptic data cable is the same thing as selling light... which is apparently a commodity. Or so Indian tax collectors would lead you to believe.

When Cockroaches Attack

Cockroaches are totally going to take out weather men everywhere.

Financial Liability

As much as I hate increased regulation insofar as computing is concerned, I think it's high time that firms and governmental agencies who collect sensitive personal and financial data should be held strictly liable for the loss or compromise of that data. It seems obvious that the companies and agencies involved aren't going to deal with it any other way.

For instance, within the last 5 years, the Commerce Department alone has lost over 1100 laptops. This doesn't count that wonderfully aggregious loss on the part of the Veteran Affairs Department in May, nor does it account for laptops acknowledged to have contained sensitive files lost by the Agriculture, Defense, Education, Energy, Health and Human Services, and Transportation Departments. And this is just the government which, while worse than the private sector in terms of oversight, is probably accounting for less than half of the data leaks.

Look, this isn't rocket science. Institute a policy where sensitive data can't leave the office unencrypted and include auditing and enforcement. Set up a secure server and a VPN for those who regularly need to get sensitive data from abroad... but whatever you do, quit letting employees put spreadsheets of thousands of incredibly sensitive records on their laptops and dragging them home.

Now, it should be noted that I'd also question the oversight and viability of any organization where the average is over 230 laptops are either stolen or lost every year. By the Commerce Department's estimates, there were roughly 30,000 laptops in use by the department over the last 5 years. By the numbers, just over 1 out of every 30 laptops appropriated to the Commerce Department was either lost or stolen. Hopefully other departments and organizations have slightly better mechanisms in place... but just in case the government and private industry haven't got the security of the customer first in their mind (*gasp* such a supposition), let's make them liable for these breaches of security.

Pure Genius

An increasing number of idiots are coming out of the wood-work to make fools out of themselves over the issue of Pope Benedict's remarks last week. Even amongst other Christians, individuals such as the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Coptic Pope in Egypt are failing to point out that Benedict XVI was not espousing the statement by Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Paleologus that vilifies Islam and Mohammed, but rather he was analyzing it and using it as a context within which to start a discussion.

To make matters increasingly disgusting, the Coptic Pope is trying to use this idiotic debacle as an example to demonstrate some form of religious one-upmanship where his denomination is better at reaching out to Muslims than is Roman Catholicism. Even more bizarre perhaps is the response of militant Muslims.

As a response to allegedly having their religion referred to as "evil and inhuman" (the Byzantine Emperor's historic words), a number of hateful and threatening statements have emerged. From the Mujahideen Shura Council (a segment of al-Qaida's Iraqi branch): “We tell the worshipper of the cross (the pope) that you and the West will be defeated, as is the case in Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechnya.” There are also a number of reports of militants attempting to show the pope how wrong he is by killing nuns in Somalia, burning churches in the West Bank, chanting "death to the Pope" in Kashmir, and the issuing of this statement on an al-Qaida bulletin board: "We shall break the cross and spill the wine ... God will (help) Muslims to conquer Rome ... (May) God enable us to slit their throats, and make their money and descendants the bounty of the mujahideen."

Now, it should be noted that these are extremists who aren't exceptionally noted for their historic tendency towards rational response. That said, the ironic idiocy of militants taking umbrage at allegedly being referred to as members of a violent religion and responding to this perceived offense by engaging in violence is starting to drive me insane. Obviously, there are intelligent and rational members of both Christian and Muslim communities... they're the ones who are waiting for the controversy to blow over before resuming the dialogue that was happily taking place before the media and the militants showed up.

Senator Ted Stevens

Did you know that the internet is a giant series of tubes? Did you also know that many members of the House of Representatives wants to ban online gambling unless it's on horse-racing or interstate lottery drawings?

And just in case you were wondering about that legislation that Senator Stevens was commenting on... there's actually a good explanation of the Net Neutrality buried in there with the Chuck Norris jokes.

And for those of you unfamiliar with Ted Stevens.... Jon Stewart asks "Just who the %#@$ is Ted Stevens?"

Snakes on a Plane

To those of you who haven't caught on to the phenomenon yet, Snakes on a Plane is coming. The video below tells of its coming (it's the title music track done by the group Cobra Starship.)

My Kind of News

In the vein of Zinedine Zidane comes this from the world of horse-racing. Specifically, Jockey Paul O'Neill was seen on tape being thrown from his horse, City Affair. This would be nothing special... if O'Neill hadn't come around in front of City Affair and head-butted him. Oddly enough, this seems to have been exactly what the thoroughbred needed, if the change of horse's change of temperment on the film is any indication. That said, the Horceracing Regulatory Authority has decided to launch an investigation into "improper behavior" on the part of O'Neill.
For my part, I'm vastly amused. Seriously, who headbutts a horse? I also have doubts about City Affair considering that he just took that headbutt and backed down. I mean, come on... who's going to want a stud with a reputation of lacking chutzpah. City Affair needs to consider his street cred and take some drastic measures. Maybe he needs to go win a race in France... at least then people would start levelling allegations of doping against him and start taking him seriously. And if that's too hard, just go get arrested on solicitation or drug trafficking charges. Come on City Affair... do you have what it takes to be a star athlete or not?

Meme Thievery

Courtesy of Wilson, who got it from some bloke named Jared who is apparently not our Jared. Oddly enough, he is also a Wilson, but not our Wilson. The viral distribution path of memes always confuses the hell out of me. Anyways.

A movie that made you cry

I really don't cry... though if I did, I think Life is Beautiful and The Notebook would have done it.

A movie that scared you

I hate "scary movies" that use the cheap gotcha to make you jump. Yes, I have tightly-wound nerves... but does it really count if I know it's coming and am counting down the moments until I jerk up of no accord of my own? I really can't recall having been scared by a movie... but, there was apparently a documentary on wolves that my parents watched while I was a young child that scared the piss out of me so much that I had recurring nightmares from as early as I can recall until 2nd or 3rd grade. Oddly enough, I can remember nothing of the documentary, just the bizarre dreamscape cubist abstraction of a monochrome black dog with cartoonish black and white eyes. Still kinda creepy.

A movie that made you laugh

The Producers is the most recent favorite... all-time champion probably has to go to punch-drunk laughter courtesy of UHF. In my opinion, the best comedy on my list has to be Blues Brothers, though.

A movie that disgusted you

Wilde. Damn you, Wheeler.

A movie you loved in elementary school

Petes' Dragon... though that was pre-school. I suppose Star Wars would be elementary school. (I've loved that movie since I can remember...)

A movie you loved in middle school

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (this continued on well after middle school)

A movie you loved in high school

I watched so many awful movies in high school... probably 90% of the crappy movies I've seen date to this time. That said, there were some gems, like The Godfather, which probably takes the crown.

A movie you loved in college

Casablanca. I'd seen it once or twice growing up... but I really didn't fall in love with it until college. I first saw Boondock Saints in college... which is probably my favorite non-classic dating from that period.

A movie that challenged your identity or your faith

Casablanca. I think that I can identify a lot with Rick... probably too much. The Bicycle Thief is another one of those tragic realisms that I loved for showing the darker side of reality.

A series that you love

Star Wars, episodes 4, 5, and 6.

Your favorite horror

I pretty much hate horror as a genre... but Hitchcock's psychological thrillers are good stuff... so I guess I'll toss them in here as they're all you're going to get me to watch by way of "horror."

Your favorite science-fiction

The Matrix... already got Star Wars.

Your favorite fantasy

The Lord of the Rings. Harry Potter is a distant second.

Your favorite mystery

Does Twelve Angry Men count?

Your favorite biography

Citizen Kane. Yes, I know, it's not quite a biography... but it works for me.

Your favorite coming-of-age

Gotta go with The Graduate. Partial credit to the Tin Drum... *snickers*

Your favorite not on this list

So many choices. Too many choices. Fiddler on the Roof, I reckon.

Bar I Need to Visit

It's a good thing that this bar isn't closer to LeTourneau, or it would be luring students away left and right...

Amusing Pictures

Some fun stuff that I found and decided that you ought to see, in lieu of my actually posting. That said, I hope to do some of that actual writing stuff this weekend.

Note: those contained below the fold might raise objections by people who consider my humor occasionally crass.

Throw Down

It's worth the download time. Quite amusing.

Up in Arms

Apparently Canadian health officials have been ruining fund-raising picnics hosted by little old ladies lately.

I can even get ordering food destroyed when it violates health code. But throwing away the food and then pouring bleach on it? That's excessive, mean-spirited and just plain wrong. The little old ladies ought to do something about this... like putting lunchmeat, eggs, and bleach on and in some health officials' cars.

Sic

This link comes to me from a source who declines to be identified. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have corrected it either.

Russian Drivers

I'm rather amused at this little gem that a friend sent my way. Apparently this tunnel runs under a river and, in the right conditions, the road freezes. The video above is from cameras in the tunnel taken over the course of one day.

Now, to their credit, the Russians are dealing with some rather inferior Russian cars. That said, I think Longview drivers would be 10x worse than the Russians, even if we gave the Longview drivers American cars. You just can't compensate for stupidity.

Good Ol' Arkansas

So what happens to the town's water supply when the mayor goes bad? Apparently, it gets depleted at a discount price to finance the mayor's libido. Or at least that's what happened in Waldron, Arkansas.

It's not quite sex for water, but it's close enough...

Soy Cheese?!

I had soy cheese once... and it was foul. Apparently, I'm not the only one who hates the stuff.

"Crap"... yes, that's a good word to describe the stuff. And a family-friendly word too, unlike most of the words I would use for it.

Blatantly Offensive

Is it bad that I really want the ringtone described here and only because it would offend people? Sadly, the tone seems to have disappeared and by all accounts, was downloaded less than a dozen times. Looks like I'll have to get another "blatantly offensive" ring tone instead.

Dream Apartment

I would like to thank Gallagher for his decorating recommendations.

After all of the screaming babies that I've heard of late... I think it's a stellar idea. Sadly, I doubt that my wife will approve.

Hooked On a Feeling

Strange. Psychedelic. Straight out of the 80's. Wants to warp your mind. Watch it now. Sent to us courtesy of Wilson.

It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp.

Foreign Gaming

This advertisement for GTA:Somalia was just too good to pass up. Yes, I know it's politically incorrect and insensitive... why do you think I'm the one posting it?

TP Massacre

Every now and again, I need proof that the human race is continuing on its downward trajectory. Well... "need" is an awfully strong word, but I sometimes want amusement at the expense of humanity... even if there must be carnage to appease me. Franklin Crow has delivered. Now, to be fair... I didn't demand fatalities... but considering that the deceased pulled a gun to resolve his half of the argument, it's probably best that both die. Mmmm.... chlorinating the gene pool. I approve.

Class/Alignment

Thanks to Wheeler and Sharptor for passing along this gem:

I Am A: Lawful Evil Elf Mage Bard

Alignment:
Lawful Evil characters believe that a nice, orderly system of life is perfect for them to abuse for their own advancement. They will work within 'the system' to get the best that they can for themselves.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Mages harness the magical energies for their own use. Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically strong, their mental talents can make up for this.

Secondary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Deity:
Velsharoon is the Neutral Evil god of necromancy, liches, and undeath. He is also known as the Vaunted, the Archmage of Necromancy, and the Lord of the Forgotten Crypt. His followers practice the necromantic arts, and raise the dead to do their bidding. His symbol is a crowned skull.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Identity Crisis

Apparently Napoleon wasn't a striking enough figure for Italian Prime Minister Silvio Belusconi to stick with comparing himself to... so he promoted himself to "the Jesus Christ of politics" on Saturday night. Yes, that's right, Mr. Belusconi, after having decided that only Napoleon had done more for Italy than himself, has moved on to Deity.

Opposition Party member Giuseppe Giulietti's response that “God the Father and the rest of Jesus’ family did not take this very well” is quite amusing... but in the end, I'm just waiting for Belusconi to take up the role of Teddy Roosevelt.

The Ultimate Showdown

Have you ever wondered what would happen if every celebrity, action figure, and tv monster got into a giant brawl? I hadn't either, but apparenty Neil Cicieraga and "myfriendscallmebobo" had. Edit: So the direct link to the flash file has been deactivated, but you can still link through the intro page, which can be found here.

While this little film is vastly entertaining, there is a decent bit of cartoon violence and gore, so I would probably recommend that little children not be subjected to it... so nobody go showing it to Melby.

Don't Mess with Joe

In light of his many detractors, Joe wandered into my living room this morning, hopped on my computer, and sent me this link.

Not to worry, gentle readers, Joe has assured me that even in light of my angsty wife's attempts at killing him with mouse traps, Joe would never burn my apartment down. That said, Anna's new plots of poisoning him might cause a bit of consternation... hence this link. I'm not saying he'd do anything, but he's at least 10x cleverer than his cousins in New Mexico. Oh... and he'd also like to warn certain Iowans that if they don't stop the jihad on his family, he may have to bring the fight to them as well.

Coke News

It would appear that nobody can get enough coke. First off, it appears that Coca-cola has gone and done something intriguing... albeit disgusting: Coke Blak = Coke + Coffee. Sounds nasty to me... but maybe it will be the new stay awake drink of choice.

In other coke news, apparently some people can't even go to work without hitting their coke. Not that I could really blame a sustitute teacher for needing to get high to deal with students... but at the same time, I also can't blame the school district for calling the cops and getting him arrested for getting high while at school... teaching no less. The best part of this to me is that the substitute originally claimed that he was just grinding up his cold pills and snorting them because he couldn't find any water. Pssst... dude, first off, nobody but a druggie even considers grinding up cold pills and snorting them, and second off, the whole line about no water kinda falls flat in a school with all of the freaking water fountains.

And finally, some people want coke so bad, they're willing to hire hit men to get it. The problem arises when said people are so lackluster in their intelligence that they manage to hire an undercover cop as a hit man... to steal what turns out to be a giant block... of CHEESE. Some people are so stupid that they get no coke.

Doom: The Movie

Critics are talking about Doom, which, in case you hadn't heard, is a movie adaptation of the hit first-person shooter series from id Software. Here's what some critics have had to say, just in case Ardith was feeling like more sci-fi self-hate:

"The phrase "worse than 'Super Mario Brothers'" should not be tossed around lightly when it comes to feature film adaptations of popular video games, but Andrzej Bartkowiak's "Doom" finds a way to settle to the bottom of the barrel in a genre that very rarely achieves even the lowest level of quality."

"The only downside is that you can't use cheat codes to reach the end of the movie."

"However low your expectations are for the movie take on the videogame Doom, lower them more." "Those who step up to the box office window and request "Doom" will get what they asked for."

"A mostly standard-issue Marine fetish festival and also a regressive role for the Rock. He should never have to drop an F-bomb once, let alone 15 times, to seem tough."

New Linkage

I realized the other day that I've neglected linking Rachel's mom to the sidebar. And then I saw Paige's mom comment somewhere, and then I realized that there should clearly be some SC stalking of MoCK going on... so I've gone and linked all of the LU moms I know of (Mom Miller counts due to her being the mother of our adopted sister... who is now also an LU student by proxy) into one section.

Looting in Louisianna

You will not believe this. Cops have been seen standing by while stores are looted... and some have even been seen to be doing the looting themselves. Anyone who wants to argue against the basic depravity of human nature need go no further than to examine what happens when situations like this happen. Granted, there are many who lend a hand... but an equal number turn to anarchy.

What They're Not Telling You

Have you ever wondered about those pesky Linux users? Have you, like me, remained slightly suspicious that Gallagher and Ardith weren't telling you the whole story? Is the "Linux goodness" of which Moore speaks too good to be true? Here are 5 good reasons not to use Linux that the Linux nerds won't ever confess to you.

edit: I forgot to mention that Tom Grimes is also a rank conspirator in the echelons of the Linux cover-up.

Odd Happenings

So if you happen to upset your local cable or utilities office, you might want to beware... one of their employees could change your name in their system to something unpleasant by way of payback.

In other news of my deep insights, avoid massive sales. Especially if there are more potential buyers than there are items for sale. Especially if they police presence doesn't appear enough by half to prevent injuries to the crowd of potential buyers. These should be sign enough... but then you might want to consider it an ill omen if people are wielding collapsable chairs and other objects as weapons in the disorganized charge towards the sale desk. Police presence? What police presence?

Caught Red-handed

Imagine you've just had a triple-bypass (I know I can't relate, but some can) and you're in recovery. Now imagine you're struggling to maintain a carefully-conceived plan to allow your friends to come and see you but, at the same time, avoid creating a situation where some of your friends who hate each other are caused to interact. Imagine your horror if you failed and you had to deal with all of that whilst you recovered.

Now imagine that those "friends" are your three wives, none of whom may know the other two exist. Then you'd be 59-year-old Melvyn Reed of Kettering, UK.

It should be noted that after being discovered, Reed turned himself in. Can't say as I blame him... the man has 3 angry wives! I'd toss myself in jail to avoid that.

Pure Idiocy

This article both makes me laugh and upsets me greatly. The non-technorati among you will read this article and say, "it looks like those students did something really bad!" It is that notion which I wish to dispel.

From what I can tell, these students were all given laptops with a fairly restrictive and invasive form of administrative software on them that disallowed installing programs and monitored their activities. Such software was password-protected... but the password was both obvious and printed on a label placed on the backs of the computers.

Now, just so we don't get any more confusion, it would appear that a couple of the smarter kids used the copies of the monitoring agent that was already installed on their computers, with the passwords printed on the backs of their computers, and used it to monitor the administrators. Yes, that's right, the idiots in administration gave them all of the tools to do this... all it took was the password that was PRINTED ON THE BACK OF THE COMPUTER.

Now, I know they signed a contract to be "good students" and these 13 students broke said contract... but they're middle-school students. It looks to me like a case of wounded pride and bad press for the school where the school is trying to prosecute the "hackers." Come on now... it's like prosecuting kindergardeners for taking lollipops from an open jar that's sitting right in front of them, unguarded. You smack them on the wrist, move the jar, and move on.

Urban Cowboy

If you live in India, you too could be a modern urban cowboy. And at 2,000 rupees/cow (only ~$46, but still the average Indian family's monthly income), that's decent money even by American standards... especially if you can round up more than one at once.

Just read the article for more details and remember that the cows have to come in alive... news of mistreating them could cause angry lynch mobs to come after you.

No Fraternization

The NLRB has taken inanity to all new depths. That's right, your employer can legally prevent you from fraternizing with your co-workers on your own time.

Now, I want to caution you that the above new link is to a website that bears an obvious pro-union bias. That said, I'm pretty sure that any sort of ban of this nature is against the spirit of the First Amendment, even if such protections would only be afforded to employees of the state.

As the article goes on to mention, such bans would obviously become illegal if the aforemention fraternization were to come under the legally protected under the auspices of the National Labor Relations Act's provision for "self-organization, to form, join, or assist labor organizations…and to engage in other concerted activities for the purpose of collective bargaining or other mutual aid or protection..." That said, I must agree with the American Rights at Work article that a good number of employees do not know their rights and would be hesitant to fight their managers and consult a lawyer should such an order to "cease fraternizing" be issued.

To make a long story short, there are a good number of employees who do not enjoy adequate protections against the multi-million dollar corporations for whom they work. If your employer broke the law in its dealings with you, could you afford to bring the legal muscle to bear to get a large company to back down? Do you, individually, have the courage to go to battle all by yourself?

There was a time that I would have argued that the need for unions is in the past... especially as I worked within a union shop. And then I started working for companies where I worked "at will" and quickly realized that there are some employers whose employees need to be protected from them, and that a union may well be the best way to organize that sort of protection.

Now, before anyone goes jumping down my throat and pointing out the traditional problems of corruption, mafia affiliation, and bizarre politics brought on by many unions... trust me, I know. Remember, I was a member of the UFCW-1099, and subsequently the AFL-CIO for two years... not to mention an avid student of mob history and a former resident of New York. But the flip side of the coin is those corporations like Enron and concerns like Arthur-Anderson who are no less corrupt and arguably far more powerful. There's enough corruption to go all the way around... and the weakest party ought to be afforded some small protection. Especially for something as simple as associating with his friends from work.

My New Gravatar?

Long Absence

Just to make small amends for my long absence, and in prelude to longer posts, I present you with Rosey Grier's Needlepoint for Men.

"Rosey Grier's Needlepoint for Men came out in 1973. At 6'5" and 300 pounds, he didn't care if you thought he was a sissy or not."

Pictures courtesy of the blogging oddity known to the internet as Extremecraft.com.

Destroyed to Check Authenticity

There was once an American of Iranian extraction named Cyrus Karr. Like many college students whom you may know, Cyrus was an aspiring film-maker. Working as an independant film-maker, Cyrus had acquired some financial backing and was filming an archaelogical documentary on the Persian King, Cyrus the Great. To film for this documentary, Cyrus went to Afghanistan and then to Iraq.

In Iraq, problems developed for Cyrus. You can read about his 50 day stay in the hands of the US Military and the FBI here. You can read how this former member of the Navy had his passport destroyed in testing for authenticity, his house searched, his film destroyed, and his freedom appropriated for 50 days. Oh yeah, and the ACLU has taken up his case. Every conservative in America had better take back one bad thing they've said about the ACLU in return.

Warped Media

Because it's been so long, I have some special stuff for you. Not one, but two warped links... and media files at that.

On this first video, I should note that while the man in the video is racist and makes some fairly insensitive and downright idiotic remarks, the actual concept is fairly clever and one that has some merit... even if it is a tad dangerous. All of that aside, I laughed my butt off.

As to this second video, all I can say is that I'm with the officer 100%. In fact, I probably would have been a lot meaner than he was. This is professionalism at its finest. You've gotta respect this sort of police work.

Wrongful Eviction?

So this woman in Iowa had her boyfriend try to kill her, and the landlord decided that this was the woman's fault and is evicting her. Among the reasons listed for eviction is being too loud during the attempt on her life. The landlord says that this is all the woman's fault for inviting her boyfriend in, in the first place.

Now, maybe I'm feeling just a tad generous, but if someone has an attempt made on his or her life, you don't evict them. I don't care if he/she is the worst tennant in the world, that's just mean, especially when they're recovering from having been shot six times and jumping off of a balcony to escape a murderer (or would-be murderer.) Beyond bad press, and this had better generate a lot of that, it's just not right. I'm not sure words can even express how not insensitive and simultaneously bad for PR this is.

That said, you know you love it when the article provides a link to the apartment complex website and that website has an email address on it. Can we say, "Send indignant email with a fury!"?

Too Good?

I was bumming along this morning getting ready to start my errands when I stumbled upon this gem. That's right, the league manager decided that this 11/12-year-old baseball team was too good and ejected them from the league.

Doesn't that sound a bit over the top for a pre-teen baseball league? At least they got their money back... that's more than some other institutions would have done.

Wheeler in 10 Years

You all know that this sort of thing is what happens to History and English majors who have a secret passion for Star Wars:

Sweden's Justice System

Just in case you were feeling like the US Criminal Justice system was too warped to be beaten by any other country's... check this out.

Apparently, it is perfectly legal to sell sex in Sweden... with only one caveat: It is illegal to buy sex in Sweden. I'm not sure how that works out, but it's a pretty sweet deal for the hookers. What really perplexes me is that apparently the only penalty is a fine, and some respected public figures like the judge in this article are even retaining their jobs after the fact. Go figure...

Batman Stuff

Having seen Batman Begins last night and finding it satisfactory on the whole, I figured that this link on the workings of the batsuit would appeal especially to Mr. West.

By Way of Apology

Because some of you have clearly been missing my presence on the internet, I have seen fit to restore myself to your good graces in an especially poignant way. Namely, I have gone and found the most screwed-up and samely family-friendly link that I have seen in months. It's actually a pair of related links.

First, I want you to read about a Wiccan marriage ceremony known as a "hand-fasting" and not just any hand-fasting at that. Nextly, I want you to read about the particular ceremony that was performed at this wedding, along with a lot of other tid-bits of lore.

...go read before we continue...

Yes, that's right... he marries people to their horses! And not only does he do this casually, he has gone to the lengths of making up an ENTIRE marriage ceremony with which to perform this rite of marriage to one's horse.

The funniest part here to me is in the actual ceremony, where the officiant asks the horse if he/she wants to continue on in the hand-fasting. Presumably, the horse needs to want this as much as the human participant:

The Priest(ess) lays her hand on the mare's mane and whispers : "{BRIDE}. Beside you stands {GROOM}. He has promised before the Horse Goddess and the Horned God to protect and keep you as his partner in love and herdmate. If you so desire this then shall be. If you do not so wish then you may leave him. May Epona carry this words to you and in your heart may you so choose your path." The priest withdraws a step to allow the bride to make her decision. If she stays the ritual continues.

*stammers* I don't really know what else to say...

Catherine the Great, eat your heart out. Crazy limeys.

Cheap Cop-Out

Reading through slashdot, this story on drunk drivers caught my eye. Apparently, judges in Seminole County, FL feel that a defendant's right to a fair trial trump the rights of private contractors to their trade secrets. As a result, whenever a defendant has challenged the state with a request for the workings of the breathalyzer, the judge has dismissed the charges.

Now, I must admit that I find the actual dismissals somewhat troubling... especially as I am a big proponent of harsh penalties for the dangerous stupidity of driving while intoxicated. That said, I really agree with the judges on this one. What happens if there are design flaws in this machine? We all know that state beauracracies are much like their federal equivalents in accidentally ignoring large problems for years and failing to look into some very important details while spending years on seemingly unimportant problems. I'm not saying that this is necessarily a reason to toss out all blood intoxication tests, but at the same time, I must always come down on the side that the paramount rights are the rights of the accused... even if this particular implementation does make me slightly uneasy.

What a Geek

I can blame the discovery of this little gem on Melby:

Fun Image

In cleaning off my computer, I ran across this picture of some homeless guy and I figured I'd share it with you:

I'd give him whatever change I had in my pocket. Ninjas are scary.

Das Keyboard

You only wish you were cool enough for the this high-end keyboard. All I have to say is that only a desperate nerd pays $80 for a keyboard whose best feature is that it has no letters on it. Oh, and the key feedback is specially engineered... nice, but not worth $80.

Real World Lightsabers?

What happens when you fill fluorescent light tubes with gasoline and power them? In the short term, you get something very reminiscent of an actual light-saber in terms of the glow. In the longer-term, they explode.

How do I know this? A pair of uber-nerds in Britain found this out for us by experimentation.

There We Go

Now that's a pretty list of cities:

Again, thank the Wench.

Dixie?!

I must say I'm slightly bothered that I speak a bit of Dixie-fied English, even if 80% of my dialect is either generically American or Yankee-derived.

c/o The Wench

Speaking of Sex

For those of you parents who have had to give the sex ed talk and for those of you who have been on the receiving end of an uncomfortable attempt at sex ed, this comic is for you. I guess it also works for anyone who knew the kid in elementary school who knew far too much about sex. Warning: it's probably PG-13.

Spermicide

Being as that marriage is less than 4 weeks away, Anna and I have been reading a book on sex called Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat and his wife Gaye. That's really not the important part, except that the book discussed spermicide (which I think is a horrible word), condoms and sexually transmitted diseases (this is just to name a few things and really doesn't even characterize the book, but I needed these topics to justify my train of thought.) That first topic gave me the title for this post and the second two topics got me thinking about a game that an old friend Kevin Baba had found back when he lived next door to me on 1B.

Armed with a condom gun and stationed inside a... well... where would you be if you were trying to prevent sperm and virii from getting past you? Anyways, Catch the Sperm 2 is an entertaining way to spend 10 minutes and will surely disturb your roommates. It's also an excellent little promotional for condoms, if you're into that sort of thing, produced by the Swedish game developer Phenomedia.

"The Rottweiler"

Has anyone else seen a picture of Camilla Parker-Bowles and wondered what Prince Charles was thinking?

Michael Ensman over at MSNBC was wondering the same thing, and when a pundit starts out his article like this, you know it has to be good:

Just about everything I know about British culture I learned from watching “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.” I could go on and on about my favorite sketches, but the one common thread I noticed in them was how often all the comic gentlemen were dressed in drag.

I believe at some point all the Python guys — John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin and Terry Gilliam — donned women’s clothing. Needless to say, they looked silly and preposterous. But over the years, I began to think that all British women were really men. I know it’s wrong. I know there are many real women like Kate Winslet and Keira Knightley who easily dispel that notion with their breathtaking beauty. Some perceptions die hard.

Ensman just gets better and better as he goes on, until he really gets loose and rips into Charles for going after Parker-Bowles:

On Saturday, a civil ceremony at Windsor Town Hall lasting approximately 30 minutes — in front of just 30 guests — united the couple, and a service of prayer and dedication followed at St. George’s Chapel. During the latter, Charles and Camilla acknowledged their “sins and wickedness” in front of the Archbishop of Canterbury. This will take place because Charles committed adultery with Camilla while he was still married to Diana.

This made me recall another member of the Python troupe, Carol Cleveland, a real woman who was a former Playboy bunny. Charles committing adultery with Camilla was akin to Cleese tossing aside the buxom Cleveland and making a play for Gilliam dressed in a wig, bonnet and paisley dress. If I were Charles, I would want to atone for that, too.

Go read it yourself. I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard.

Town Drunk

Do you think your town has a crazy drunk? You've obviously never heard of Henry Earl of Lexington, Kentucky. That's right, Henry Earl is the world-wide champion drunk with 803 arrests for public drunkenness. He has some fan sites and even a song named after him. To see if Henry Earl is currently incarcerated and to get some stats and random mugshots, click here.

I had forgotten how much worse Kentucky is than anywhere else in the U.S.

We Report, You Survive

Everyone should thank Wilson for linking me to this wonderful article on the Onion. The only thing here that really surprises me is that FoxNews or some Fox affiliate hasn't already come up with a counter-terrorism van.

I Knew It!

I had always suspected that something like this was going on. I'm on to you now, wenches!

Christians vs. Christianity

Normally I recommend the webcomic Something Positive as a warped window into some of the geek circles that I run in. Sometimes it's frightfully accurate, many times it describes people I know, it's always funny and usually warped.

Every now and again Randy Milholland (the strip's creator) hits on something very serious and important. Sometimes he's even nice enough not to be too crass while hitting serious points. Such is the case with his current Easter story-line.

The comics in question will be linked in sequential order below with ratings next to them with reasons for my gentler readers. I would strongly recommend anyone but my youngest audience reading these comics and seriously considering their implication and the impact that such stuff has on the secular world around us. To the best of my knowledge, Milholland is a cynical agnostic... just bear that in mind as you read.

Storyline Hook (PG for mild language and sacrilege)
Actual Beginning (G for mild sacrilege)
Church Business Debate (G for mild sacrilege)
Introspective Discussion (PG for mild language)
Meeting at Augusta's House (PG-13 for gore and sexual concept)
Rally at the Front Porch (G)
Confrontation (G for mild sacrilege)
Disillusioned Mother (G)

In short, if you are a Christian and you think you can get past the words to get to the message, I REALLY recommend that you read these comics. However, if you're going to get so hung up on the wording and the vehicle that you'll miss the very important message being presented in by an agnostic to a secular audience, don't go.

Well... that's more or less all I can do to try and broaden your horizons and protect you at the same time.

Compulsive Snoozer?

Do you have problems waking up in the morning. Do you overuse the snooze? Does your unconcious brain make choices for the rest of you?

Clocky the mobile alarm clock will help!

Everything I Wish I Knew

Anyone with children who are heading anywhere near towards college needs to sit them down and read this article to them before they start school and then have them read it about once a year once they learn to read.

In case there were any doubters, read this paragraph as a metric of the quality contained therein:

It's dangerous to design your life around getting into college, because the people you have to impress to get into college are not a very discerning audience. At most colleges, it's not the professors who decide whether you get in, but admissions officers, and they are nowhere near as smart. They're the NCOs of the intellectual world. They can't tell how smart you are. The mere existence of prep schools is proof of that.

Stew Toby!

Extortion to avoid rabbit stew? Screw toby... stew toby!

More Comics

You will note that I have finally gotten around to putting up links to some more awesome online comics... which is good because then I remember to read them.

That said, my personal favorite of the new additions is the weekly comic Pet Professional, a comic about a hit man who only takes out hits on animals. Pretty sweet... and though it only updates once per week, it's reliable and regular.

Dynamic Duo

Amazing Super-heroes: Spider-Man and Jesus. Didn't you know they were homies? For a good time and great heresy, check this comic out.

Ice Cave Reference!

Apparently, the Light Warriors are now trapped in the Ice Cave. Maybe they've been trapped there all along. Now, we come to an interesting question:

Which Ice Cave resident is Fighter?

Old Floormate

Once upon a time, Toad and I had a floormate whose personal hygiene and social skills degenerated to the point that he was being outdone by braindead vegetables. It didn't start out that way, but through a steady stream of MMORPG abuse, he ceased showering and disposing of trash such that his room smelled like an open sewage pit and we took to closing his door for him so the smell would diminish. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I've just found Gary!

Ready-Made Insanity Plea

I would like to thank Tim for sending me this link to my favorite news story to date of the year.

Another Good Quiz

Jared passed this one along to me. I'm always amused and pleased when a quiz comes out with really accurate results like this one did.

Which Mix of the Hogwarts Houses are You?

You're a Slytherdor! You are a natural leader and have the personality
to back it up. Often people are hesitant to approach you because they
feel that you will reject them. You have a bit of a temper but most of
the time you're able to keep it in check; however when you are really
pissed off, people better watch out. In your life you have a lot of
things you want to accomplish, whether it's for yourself or another
cause. You can be determined in trying to pursue this goal but your
morals are too steady to allow you to be absolutely ruthless. You don't
let many people know this, but you actually like the idea of chivalry
(but you try to keep this buried) and you try to live your life with
honor. You don't back away from tough decisions. Your weakness is
that sometimes you can be arrogant, you forget about the 'lesser
people' and this leads you to underestimate your opponents. With the
charisma of a Gryffindor and the ambition of a Slytherin you can be
great in life!

brought to you by Quizilla

Angry Public

Do you know what happens when you screw over a bunch of teenaged girls who are trying to do a good deed? Turns out, I'm not the only one who was outraged after reading about this nonsense. Check out this article about the outpouring of angst towards crazy old Wanita Young and the radio station that raised the money to pay for the lawsuit. I know this could be a nasty case of vigilante justice, but I can't help but be proud of the public for hating on Mrs. Young... especially after she keeps proving how stupid and obnoxious she is with her public comments.

Here's a quote that indicates just how clueless the hateful Young family is:

"It's horrible, nobody has heard our side," said Herb Young, adding the couple has had to hire a lawyer. "I don't believe the girls meant for this to happen. But they could have prevented it from happening if they had just shut their mouths when they came out of (small claims) court. Now they are caught in something they can't control."

The public hates her... go figure.

Women In Space?

Russia says no.

"Nowadays we keep our women here on earth. We love our women very much; we spare them as much as possible. However, in the future, they will surely work on board space stations, but as specialists — as doctors, as geologists, as astronomers and, of course, as stewardesses." — Andrian Nikolayev, Russian Cosmonaut

Baggy Pants Illegal?

Virginia's legislators must be running out of intelligent laws to enact and important problems to solve, because in their attempts to pad their hours in session, they felt the need to pass this nonsense.

Turbotax Returns

Ever wonder what would happen if a company printed a phone sex hot-line as their 800 number. Intuit (the makers of Turbotax) found out the hard way.

Europeans Gone Wild

This policy is enough to offend even my humble sensibilities (thanks, Wilson.)

Napoleon Dynamite

For those of you unfortunate enough to be familiar with Napoleon Dynamite, this should amuse you. (family friendly)

Are You Owed Real DVD's?

If you've bought MGM Widescreen DVD's in the last couple of years, you may be entitled to an upgrade or a refund. Be sure to check this website before March 31 and submit a claim if you are eligible.

Statistical Entertainment

There are lots of fun little statistics and conclusions on teen sexuality in this article, including gems like this:

Teens with a Catholic parent (72%) are more likely to not have had sex because they are worried what their parents will think than those with a Protestant parent (63%) or another religious background (57%).

Those whose parents are better educated are more likely to say they have not had intercourse because of their religious or moral beliefs and less likely to say they have not out of a fear of catching an STD.

Come Join Us!

Ardith and Gallagher, come become contributing members of the Windows community without leaving Linux behind. All you need is a copy of Wine and this little tutorial as your guide.

note: the above link should be amusing to just about everyone, but should be especially applicable to any Linux users in the house. That said, I should not be construed as condoning the intentional or unintentional use of or spreading of virii... please consult the webpage owner for more details... FDIC, FAA, FDA, and FTC approved... please talk to your doctor to see if Linux is right for you...

Tsunami Aid

Attention slackers:

Anders Jacobsen has is calling out the blogging community and offering to toss $1 to the Red Cross for every blogger who puts up on their site the list that I've included below. Also, Eliot Landrum is matching Anders' contribution... so copy the source below and help donate $2 (in addition to any of your own money that you give to those sites.)

The following is a list of organizations who are currently helping out in the affected areas:

International aid organizations:

UNICEF (United Nations Children’s Fund)

United Nations’ World Food Programme

Medecins Sans Frontieres / Doctors without Borders (donate!)
CARE International
The International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies

UK/Europe:
Disasters Emergency Comittee (DEC) - comprises a raft of aid agencies, including the below and others

British Red Cross
Oxfam
Save the Children UK

North America:
American Red Cross
Canadian Red Cross
Save The Children
Oxfam America

Anders Jacobsen: Webloggers: Give to tsunami victims and I’ll give too!

Cheerleader Toss

If you love the thought of sadistically throwing cheerleaders at basketball hoops and out of windows, this site is for you. This warped link is rated PG for use of the words "underwear" and "dweeb."

Back in Texas

As I happily sit in my chair in the Ice Cave (which feels a tad too thawed), I am proud to be reading about Cheese Racing. You should enjoy it.

Something to Ponder

While you're waiting for some of my really substantive posts to be finished and polished (I have two in the works), read this entertaining Christmas pondering:

Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective

I. There are approximately 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Jehovah's Witnesses, or Buddist religions, this reduces the workload on Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with at least one good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, jump out, go down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump in the sleigh, and move on to the next house. (That's why it's really pointless to stay up and wait for him....)

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom breaks. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For the purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 75.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child has nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull nothing more than 300 pounds. Even granted that "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or nine of them; Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the sleigh itself, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizibeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance; this would heat up the reindeer in the same fasion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and causing deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.2 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G's. A 250 pound Santa (which seem ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pound of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Laptop with Cheese

I've gone and found the ideal laptop carrying case for someone who thinks that a pizza is less likely to get stolen than a laptop. Obviously, this would be a bad idea at LeTourneau... though I could see Moore carrying his laptop in the PowerPizza case just for good measure.

Got Rights?

You know, whenever I start reading about our new policies for dealing with accused terrorists, it starts to give me the willies. Namely, it would appear that the Pentagon and the feds are developing a policy of lifetime detention for accused terrorists and captured "non-lawful combatants."

Bear in mind that this is only rumor from an unconfirmed news source, but Reuters is confident enough in that to publish the linked article... *shudders*

Merry Christmas

Christmas Shenanigans

For those of you who are tired of bumming with family and/or people who annoy you to death (the two groups tend not to be mutually exclusive):

Go download Jardinains! It's like Breakout... only with gnomes to pick on. What's not to love?

Behold!

Finals week is upon my brain...

cool:

sadistic:

wrong:

Cultural Christianity

Dunny found this excellent rant on Cultural Christianity. You should check it out.

Magical Trevor

Thank Scott for this family-friendly (even for small children) link to Magical Trevor.

Anti-Sleep

Thank Melby for this:

(note: all of my answers apply to people at school or with affiliation with the SC)

You've Known the longest: Ardith (she and I met at Heritage Weekend, sitting in Shreveport airport)
You've known the shortest: Fleetman
You love the most: God (Anna is the human I love the most)
The one thats most special: duh
You can tell anything to: Ice Cavers and Anna
Lives farthest away: Ma Hoyt
Lives closest: Ice Cavers, duh
Weirdest: Dr. Solganick
Funniest: Murray
Most Shy: toss-up: Ardith and Bryan
Quietest: Bryan
Smartest: clearly Murray
Coolest: the ever-popular Ardith
Biggest Flirt: Rachel
Sweetest: BAH!!
Cutiest: Ma Hoyt
Tallest: Bryan
Shortest: duh! (Melby is runner-up) (note that Murray is taller than Melby and Ardith)
Most outgoing: Moore
Most hyper: Rachel
Most friendly: Sharpton
Most caring: Anna (Paige wants to be caring)
Most annoying: *pleads the 5th*
Most irritating: Me
Most TRULY unique: Uncle Doug (and Murray, of course)
Most kissable: ;-)
Most confusing: Sharon (slow down, Sharon)
Most confused: Rachel
Most adorable: Ardith (in a dress)
Most crazy: Caleb Mayes
Always there for you: the Ice Cave
Always makes you laugh: FREUD!!
Always has something clever to say: The Punny Man (Martinez)
Always makes you really think: The Denizens of the Fuzzy Studies Offices
Always brightens your day: Female with Food (Anna and Paige)
Most likely to be on tv? Scott
Most likely to end up flipping burgers: Wheeler and Barbour
The ones you would like to see in person: Ma Hoyt
The one who's never been single: Paige
The one who's always single: Uncle Doug
First to get married: *coughs nervously*
The one you'd be dating if it wasn't for the boyfriend/girlfriend
now: (do I look that stupid to you?)
The player: Sharptiano
The heartbreaker: Murray (all the girls want to jump his bones, but none of them can)

No College Student Left Behind?

Here's something new from the "Government refuses to leave us alone" file. It would appear that we need a national database of college students to "improve national college statistics."

The feds want to collect the following:name, address, birth date, gender, race, and Social Security number, field of study, credits, tuition paid, and financial aid received. It would also keep tabs on transfers and students who drop out and re-enroll at a later date.

That's all we need: the federal transcript database. Memo to Big Brother: stay the hell out of my college transcript.

I wonder if "Drop D's and F's" applies to the government database as well?

Nigerian Mafia?

Who knew? (though to be fair, it looks less like a mafia and more like an organized spamming and e-mail scamming racket)

13-Year Old Kidnapper

This news story is just jacked up. A 13-year old kid in Virginia abducted a stripper. What the crap?!?

Artest is Sorry

After jumping into the stands to brawl with fans, Ron Artest is sorry. What's even better is his quote:

Meanwhile, Artest is promoting his record label, Truwarier, and said that with his other career endeavors he was trying to make his life more positive.

"Having a record company and putting out my own CD. There's clothes and shoes. There's also an upcoming book deal that I'm trying to do," he said.

"I'm trying to be positive. I'm a big fan of the Nobel Peace Prize."

Wow... that's lame. If your best claim to being a good person is dropping in an unrelated, "I'm a big fan of the Nobel Peace Prize," you lose.

Enzyme!

Which Biological Molecule Are You?

You are an enzyme. You are powerful, dark,
variable, and can change many things at your
whim...even when they're not supposed to be
changed. Bad you. You can be dangerous or
wonderful; it's your choice.

brought to you by Quizilla (thanks Sharptiano)

-------------------

Cynic: Hey look! I'm an enzyme (goes on to read enzyme aloud...)
Wheeler: Yeah, you and Paige and Scott...
Cynic: Fitting company!
Wheeler: Yeah, go figure...

Llama Song

Courtesy of Scott and Fleetman, I bring you the first warped link (oddly: clean and family-friendly) in quite a while.

Check out the wholesome goodness of The Llama Song.

Syphilis at LeTourneau

I hate to brag, but you all wish you were cool enough to write an article about LeTourneau that manages to mention syphilis in conjunction with LeTourneau in the second sentence. It should be noted that the aforementioned article is not solely my work, but is part of a community production at Wikkipedia. That said, the vast majority (including the syphilis reference) is.

Wikipedia

As I was lazing around in the labs this evening, I went web-searching. Out of idle curiousity, I fould LeTourneau's Wikipedia Entry and found it wanting. Thus piqued, I altered the otherwise bland entry to include that sexy sidebar that you see containted within.

Now, I know that between the lot of you, there are a couple who are capable of writing and organization such that you could overhaul this humble entry into something truly informative. Beyond that, there is also the simple matter that I want more controversial matter included there. And yes, failing everyone else's contributions, I guess I'll do it myself.

Thoughts on Theft

I've always had friends with rather unique views on property ownership, but I think Silk takes the cake:

Silk walked mournfully around the barge. "It's mine, all right," he sighed.
"You keep well-equipped barges, Silk," Durnik said, carefully measuring a board.
"This one had everything I need right in the bow—nails, a barrel of tar, and even a fairly good saw. We'll have it afloat before morning."
"I'm glad you approve," Silk said sourly. He made a wry face. "This is unnatural," he complained.
"What's the problem, Kheldar?" Velvet asked him.
"Usually, when I want a boat, I steal one. Using one of my own seems immoral somehow."

Pulled from David Eddings' Sorceress of Darshiva.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 03:47 PM | TrackBack

CBS Hates Bloggers

In case you were wondering whether CBS was still bitter about having their cover blown by the blogging community, check this article out. It seems that CBS' assertion is that the blogging public took the exit poll information and misinterpreted it where it didn't outright fabricate data. The Wall Street Journal has a much different perspective, and one that I think is much closer to an intelligent response to the election day exit poll mayhem.

Granted, I will allow that the blogging community is hardly professional as a while... and I'm not going to begin to assert that Slate is anything other than a bunch of opinionated liberal hacks attempting to make money for Microsoft by spouting whatever nonsense will sell... but I think the article in general sells the blogging community short in an attempt to cast aspersions on the credibility of any non-commercial news source. Scratch that, any news source not of the venerable cadre of hardcopy print media and airwaves/cable syndicates.

High Mach

The Machiavelli personality test has a range of 0 - 100
Your Machiavelli score is: 94
You are a high Mach, you endorse Machiavelli's opinions.
Most people fall somewhere in the middle, but there's a significant minority at either extreme.

Go take the Machiavelli survey!

This survey itself measures only one thing -- whether you subscribe to the ideas of a 16th century Italian political philosopher. But experiments have shown that reactions to Machiavelli act as a kind of litmus test, delineating differences in temperament that can be confirmed with more traditional personality inventories. High Machs constitute a distinct type: charming, confident and glib, but also arrogant, calculating and cynical, prone to manipulate and exploit. (Think Rupert Murdoch, or if your politics permit it, President Clinton.)

True low Machs, however, can be kind of dependent, submissive and socially inept. So be sure to invite a high Mach or two to your next dinner party.

Halloween Costume

Wouldn't you like to dress up as an iPod for Halloween?

Personalgamationity

My Results from the Free Global Personality Test:

Oh... and here's the accompanying list of traits attributed to me:

messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic

Obviously, this stuff is flawed as resulting from a rather short quiz. That said, I am impressed that it did manage to hit a decent number of points rather accurately... even if it did call me positive and an optimist.

Program Funerals

What if we held funerals for old programs when they died and buried a copy of the source code? How much fun would that be? I want to see the Microsoft burial plot and a wake for each successive Windows version that is killed and buried. It would make for an interesting work environment if nothing else...

Any other programmers out there besides me who want to hold a funeral for their old code and bury it? What about holding a source code wake?

Cobra Commander '04

Wouldn't you vote Cobra Commander? (family-friendly flash cartoon)

Joshua Abraham Norton

Which Historical Lunatic are You?

Born in England sometime in the second decade of the nineteenth century, you carved a notable business career, in South Africa and later San Francisco, until an entry into the rice market wiped out your fortune in 1854. After this, you became quite different. The first sign of this came on September 17, 1859, when you expressed your dissatisfaction with the political situation in America by declaring yourself Norton I, Emperor of the USA. You remained as such, unchallenged, for twenty-one years.

Within a month you had decreed the dissolution of Congress. When this was largely ignored, you summoned all interested parties to discuss the matter in a music hall, and then summoned the army to quell the rebellious leaders in Washington. This did not work. Magnanimously, you decreed (eventually) that Congress could remain for the time being. However, you disbanded both major political parties in 1869, as well as instituting a fine of $25 for using the abominable nickname "Frisco" for your home city.

Your days consisted of parading around your domain - the San Francisco streets - in a uniform of royal blue with gold epaulettes. This was set off by a beaver hat and umbrella. You dispensed philosophy and inspected the state of sidewalks and the police with equal aplomb. You were a great ally of the maligned Chinese of the city, and once dispersed a riot by standing between the Chinese and their would-be assailants and reciting the Lord's Prayer quietly, head bowed.

Once arrested, you were swiftly pardoned by the Police Chief with all apologies, after which all policemen were ordered to salute you on the street. Your renown grew. Proprietors of respectable establishments fixed brass plaques to their walls proclaiming your patronage; musical and theatrical performances invariably reserved seats for you and your two dogs. (As an aside, you were a good friend of Mark Twain, who wrote an epitaph for one of your faithful hounds, Bummer.) The Census of 1870 listed your occupation as "Emperor".

The Board of Supervisors of San Francisco, upon noticing the slightly delapidated state of your attire, replaced it at their own expense. You responded graciously by granting a patent of nobility to each member. Your death, collapsing on the street on January 8, 1880, made front page news under the headline "Le Roi est Mort". Aside from what you had on your person, your possessions amounted to a single sovereign, a collection of walking sticks, an old sabre, your correspondence with Queen Victoria and 1,098,235 shares of stock in a worthless gold mine. Your funeral cortege was of 30,000 people and over two miles long.

The burial was marked by a total eclipse of the sun.

From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey. (thanks for the link, Wilson)

Amusing Quip

Remembering that I endorse neither candidate, I found this joke amusing:

John Kerry visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious

Senator asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a 'tragedy'." "No," says Kerry, "that would be an
accident".

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. Kerry. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Kerry searches the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'?"

Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says: "If your campaign plane, carrying you, Mr. Kerry, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a 'tragedy'." "Fantastic!" exclaims Kerry. "That's right. And can you tell
me why that would be a 'tragedy'?"

"Well," says the boy "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss' and it probably wouldn't be an accident' either."

Pregnant Women

Last night there was a conversation in the Ice Cave regarding my being scared of pregnant women, their inherant instability, and the likelihood that they would take their wrath out on me. I had relatively few supporters, many perplexed onlookers, and even a couple of nay-sayers. This comic is kind of illustrative of the point I was driving at... kind of.

Great Stuff

Buy an election on e*bay. (family-friendly)

You too can be a Satanist in Her Majesty's navy. (work-safe)

Photoshopped WW2 propaganda posters. (don't do it Anna)

Check out Dan Rather's newest authoritative memo. (PG)

LiveJournal Fun

So yeah... Melby and Paige have been deserving of links for quite some time... but I haven't decided whether or not to sidebar them or hold out in the hopes that they get real blogs as opposed the the teenybopper LJ nonsense that they're both involved in now.

Idea Theft

There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
but nothing was to be found.
On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.

-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

At A Loss For Words

I think this cartoon pretty much sums up my views on what to do when I run out of obnoxious things to say.

17th Century Spaceflight

Apparently Oliver Cromwell's cousin had this great idea to build a "space chariot" using gunpowder, springs and wings. Sadly, it never took off.

Got Free Speech?

Aren't you glad you're not in France? I just find it mildly ironic that the French have the audacity to look down on America where we have protected freedom of religious expression and a criminal law system that assumes you are innocent until proven guilty.

About Time

It looks like some of the Patriot Act is finally invalidated. Turns out that some judges think that judicial oversight is a good thing and circumventing it in law enforcement defies the Constitutional checks and balances. Every now and again, I appreciate the ACLU a little bit... and today is one of those days.

Got Ring Tone?

You can thank Wheeler for forwarding me the link to this gem of a story. It's like the pills only cheaper. Only in Japan...

Blame the Fed

Even if you get a free car, the government will stick it to you for taxes on that free car. Just ask these winners. You've gotta love the U.S. tax scheme...

I Need One

I've been saying for a long time that if someone could get the FCC to approve signal-jamming equipment for cell phones in specific areas, life would be good. I doubt they will, but that's not such a problem in situations like this. You know... maybe I'll just get one anyways if I ever own a restaurant.

Panty Raiders

Kind of an old concept in reverse. Instead of sneaking in and running off with unmentionables, these people are apparently sneaking in with unmentionables. Safe for work and even family-friendly.

Talk Like A Pirate!

Yarr! It do be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. And in the honor o' that day, we do be talkin' like pirates all day long in these here parts. So git yer sorry land-lubber self over to the official blog an' hoist a grog back for me.

Spawn

Courtesy of Randy and Something Positive, I have been meaning to link to this parents' guide on Etiquette for dealing with those who lack children.

Before you ask, no I don't hate children nearly that much. I do, however, hate misbehaved children and the parents who don't care for them properly.

Real Estate Porn

This warped link features animals copulating. View at your own discretion... but it's easily work-safe. Quite entertaining.

P FN without DEF, 0:1

"My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them."
-- Dave Barry

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
-- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar

Serfs up!
-- Spartacus

Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
-- Walt Kelly

Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The price
of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute. Personally, I'd
rather pay for my freedom than live in a bitmapped, pop-up-happy dungeon
like NT.
-- Thomas Scoville, Performance Computing

Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from generation to generation?
Mom: Yes?
Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.

love, v.: I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.

Why are programmers non-productive? Because their time is wasted in meetings.

Why are programmers rebellious?
Because the management interferes too much.

Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
Because they are burnt out.

Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

deedle deedle dee, la dee da da, I'm a tea pot and you're not!
My BF says I have a lovely bunch of coconuts...
lol, sorry guys, my gf grabbed the keyboard while i went upstairs
uh huh
a likely story
does your gf know you have a bf?
because, you know, the rest of us seem to

I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes on the same day.
-- Unknown

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
a complete set.
-- Ring Lardner

Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
-- Steve Rubenstein

Without a goal, a life is nothing. Sometimes the goal becomes a man's entire
life, an all-consuming passion. But once that goal is achieved, what then?
Oh, poor man, what then?
-- LADY HELENA ATREIDES, her personal journals

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"

Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
halfway between an oven and a pasture?
walking in a trance toward a pregnant
seventeen-year-old housewife's two-day-old cookbook?
-- Richard Brautigan

P FN without DEF, 0:1

You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
-- Hepler, Systems Design 182

Fry: Hey, I'm startin' to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded. The
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns, and the
infield blern rule is in effect. Right?
Leela: Other than the word blern, that was complete gibberish.

The garden is in mourning; The rain falls cool among the flowers. Summer shivers quietly On its way towards its end.

Golden leaf after leaf
Falls from the tall acacia.
Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
In this dying dream of a garden.

For a long while, yet, in the roses,
She will linger on, yearning for peace,
And slowly
Close her weary eyes.
-- Hermann Hesse, "September"

FORTRAN rots the brain.
-- John McQuillin

If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
-- Harry Blackstone

A world is supported by four things: the teaming of the wise, the justice of the great, the prayers of the righteous, and the valor of the brave.
But all of these are as nothing without a ruler who knows the art of ruling.
-- PRINCE RAPHAEL CORRINO, Discourses on Galactic Leadership

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!

It is said that the Duke Leto blinded himself to the perils of Arrakis, that he
walked heedlessly into the pit. Would it not be more likely to suggest he had
lived so long in the presence of extreme danger he misjudged a change in its
intensity? Or is it possible he deliberately sacrificed himself that his son
might find a better life? All evidence indicates the Duke was a man not easily
hoodwinked.
-- from "Muad'Dib: Family Commentaries" by the Princess Irulan

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
-- Arthur Godfrey

Free Content Strikes Again

For those of you who aren't sick of the amusing things that comment-spammers leave me:

Mr. DePree also expects a "tremendous social change" in all workplaces. "When
I first started working 40 years ago, a factory supervisor was focused on the
product. Today it is drastically different, because of the social milieu.
It isn't unusual for a worker to arrive on his shift and have some family
problem that he doesn't know how to resolve. The example I like to use is a
guy who comes in and says 'this isn't going to be a good day for me, my son
is in jail on a drunk-driving charge and I don't know how to raise bail.'
What that means is that if the supervisor wants productivity, he has to know
how to raise bail."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc.
"Herman Miller's Secrets of Corporate Creativity"
The Wall Street Journal: May 3, 1988

The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
-- George Gobel

My dear People.
My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End. Today is my
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

Udall's Fourth Law:
Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you don't like.

Upon the hearth the fire is red, Beneath the roof there is a bed; But not yet weary are our feet, Still round the corner we may meet A sudden tree or standing stone That none have seen but we alone. Tree and flower and leaf and grass, Let them pass! Let them pass! Hill and water under sky, Pass them by! Pass them by!

Home is behind, the world ahead,
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadows to the edge of night,
Until the stars are all alight.
Then world behind and home ahead,
We'll wander back to home and bed.
Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,
Away shall fade! Away shall fade!
Fire and lamp, and meat and bread,
And then to bed! And then to bed!

Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate,
And though we pass them by today
Tomorrow we may come this way
And take the hidden paths that run
Towards the Moon or to the Sun,

Apple, thorn, and nut and sloe,
Let them go! Let them go!
Sand and stone and pool and dell,
Fare you well! Fare you well!
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.
-- Dorothy Parker

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
-- Henry Van Dyke

There are places I'll remember All my life though some have changed. Some forever not for better Some have gone and some remain. All these places had their moments With lovers and friends I still recall. Some are dead and some are living, In my life I've loved them all.

But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compared with you,
All these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I'll love you more.
-- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965

You're In Control

I would like to thank eliot for providing the link to this family-friendly warped link. Male gamers, rejoice!

Why I Hated High School CS

The lady who tried to teach me C++ had this posted on the website for the BASIC class:

All programming work must be done in the classroom. We will be doing BASIC programming this 9 weeks. You can download TRUEBASIC but it works for only 15 minutes and thenyou have to download again. This is actually helpful for students.

Pure genius...

Cut-Rate Content

Content provided by comment spammers:

Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2% and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
-- Homer Simpson
You Only Move Twice

An OS/2 professional visits a seminar for Windows 95. During the practice lesson Bill Gates asks him: "What do you like about Windows 95?" He answers, "That YOU have to use it."

"A word to the wise: a credentials dicksize war is usually a bad idea on the net."
(David Parsons in c.o.l.development.system, about coding in C.)

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely
pointless.
-- Calvin

My life needs a rewind/erase button.
-- Calvin

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

BOFH Excuse #270:
Someone has messed up the kernel pointers

If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.

People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.

Nothing lasts forever.
Where do I find nothing?

Take me drunk, I'm home again!

Cold be hand and heart and bone,
and cold be sleep under stone;
never more to wake on stony bed,
never, till the Sun fails and the Moon is dead.

In the black wind the stars shall die,
and still on gold here let them lie,
till the dark lord lifts his hand
over dead sea and withered land.
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

Entertaining Links

After surfing around for a while, I've decided that my current link selection is inadequate and will be adding the following:

Out Ioway - Ardith's parents are now blogging (actually, just her mom has posted as of now) and are entertaining me to no end. Read it, it's hillarious.

Men In Hats - I don't know why I haven't linked up any comics yet, but Men In Hats is funny and irreverant. In other words, just my style.

Something Positive - You love it, I love it, I used to steal bandwidth from them. Great comics... home of some of my favorites.

8-Bit Theatre - Amusing story-line, Black Mage, and wonderful graphics.

Queen of Wands - Home of the Grammar Nazi.

PVP - Most successful online comic ever.

Comment Spam

A comment spammer from a discount drug website was leaving most amusing content to spam off of. Thusly, I am recording all of the content and ripping out the links:

Q: How does a hacker fix a function which doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A: He changes the domain.

Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them.
-- Dirty Harry

The Least Successful Collector
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the works of Shakespeare.
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"

BOFH Excuse #298: Not enough interrupts

"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
-- Jay Leno

BOFH Excuse #20: divide-by-zero error

Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
-- W.C. Fields

"I prefer the blunted cudgels of the followers of the Serpent God."
-- Sean Doran the Younger

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
brings wisdom.
-- H.L. Mencken

Egotism, n:
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
Egotist, n:
A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.

Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
-- Homer Simpson
El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.
-- Cato

Nothing is but what is not.

Pet Jealousy

If your cat is jealous of your significant other and turns into a pain in the ass, you ditch the cat. Or if you're some of the nutjobs in the Northeast, you get a family counselor to work out your animal's jealousy issues and get kitty Prozac. I only wish I was kidding... read about it here.

Blame Canada

Just when you thought the RIAA was the biggest pain in the posterior imaginable, their Canadian counterparts do something just so plain idiotic as to force you to admire the restraint of the RIAA.

MS Does Apples

In a veritable storm of applications, Microsoft apparently filed for a patent of a new variety of apple tree. Sources are saying it's probably an accident, but you never know.

Terrorizing Telemarketers

The things that people with too much time on their hands do to telemarketers who call...

Just Pass Water...

... even dirty water or piss will do to make these dehydrated meals edible.

Military Perks

Just in case you're female and thinking about joining the military... here's another good reason for some of you.

How To Stalk Me

One of the more bizarre things I have found online is this individual's guide of how to stalk him. Entertaining and clean...

Bonjour Monsieur

Very warped flash animation in French...

Ardith is Popular

More Proof

Hands OFF!

No Hillary, you may not "take things away from [me] on behalf of the common good."

Keep your hands off of my things!

Pee Standing Up

Attention women: do you want to pee standing up too? I've found a tutorial which might tell you how. I was rather disturbed by it and didn't really read it, don't know if it works, and honestly don't want to. So why don't one of you go look it over and tell me what you think.

note: I believe that this is the first time that my warped link has disturbed me... thanks Jared.

Advertising Outtakes

I'm going to warn you... this will offend most of you. View at your own risk: the Winnebago Man.

Rocky the Leprechaun

I know I've told some of you about how I found the references to "Rocky the Leprechaun" when I was in CO. I just did a search and it turns out his name is "Rocky Rainbow" and he's the self-acclaimed official Leprechaun of Colorado. I am sending emmissaries as we speak.

Leprechaun Edition

Just because I knew you'd want to see the Men In Hats with a Leprechaun Theme.

For the Truly Desperate

Wow... just... wow...

I was reading Something Positive and the author linked up this job listing for Video Phone Sex Tech Support at Ask the Tech Girl.

Can we say messed up?

CD Virus Shenanigans

It would appear that the Recording Industry is at it again with the new Beastie Boys CD "To the Five Boroughs."

Granted, at this point nobody has seen the alleged CD virus within the U.S. or U.K. but I would imagine it won't be long before some band gives us the chance to see just what level the RIAA is currently willing to sink to.

Mixed Drinks

Interesting...

History of Expressiveness

As some of you may know, I tend to be a bit of a history buff. Though nowhere near as dedicated as Wilson, I do enjoy reading history and being knowledgable about the history of things and whatnot. That said, this article which Wheeler pointed me to really embodies a nice combination of history and the tongue-in-cheek amusement with which I approach life. Way to go, Wheeler!

My Little Porny

We can thank Jared for passing along this little gem of a quiz.

It's So Me...

Little comics like this exemplify some of my oddities that people as nice as Anna can't understand...

My Role-Model

I would like to be more like this teacher... especially if I could get off with the punishment he got. (Thanks Wheeler)

Flag Criticism

Have you ever taken a look at a country's flag and said, "Wow... who would want that thing to be their flag?"

Especially impressive are Zimbabwe's hawk on a toilet and Rwanda's breathtakingly original flag.

I Was Afraid of This

I've had sinking premonitions about The Terminal, and this review seems to echo them.

Just Messed Up

Just in case you needed a reminder that the world is still a fairly poor selection as a permanent domicile, here you are. If a driver can get off with killing a man in a hit-and-run accident and only get fined £2,500 but could get two years for hitting a tree as a result of driving in a dangerous manner, something is seriously wrong.

Term of Endearment?

I've never known the term c*nt to be used as a term of endearment, but apparently the University of Colorado President Elizabeth Hoffman has (thanks Wheeler.)

Stupid Allies

And this sort of thing is why I have trouble with close U.S. ties with Saudi Arabia.

Drat! Foiled Again!

I should do this to someone (link courtesy of The Wench.)

Satanic Harry Potter

Want to know just how to justify a claim to Harry Potter being Satanic and Christian leaders like Colson and Dobson being sell-outs? Just read about it here.

Artistic License

This could be an interesting film for a marketeer.

The Best Court

It's things like this that make me love the Supreme Court and create a growing loathing for President Bush. I mean, I like a lot of the man's policy... but he and Ashcroft really give me the creeps when it comes to homeland security.

Warped Pharmaceuticals

You can all thank Wilson for referring me to this article on the rejuvenation of love after 65 thanks to modern technology.

Thank You Cosby

I found this article linked off of Thinklings. The article has quotes from remarks Bill Cosby made in response to the anniversary of Brown vs. The Board of Education where he calls on the African-American community to seize the advantages given them rather than squandering these advantages like he sees so many doing. The article then goes on to give the points of those who are outraged by his remarks and those who feel he is right on the mark.

From my experience, I think that Cosby is dead right in what he is saying. Granted, many of his critics agree that he is at least partially correct but want a more constructive manner of dealing with the problem. I think the problem lies with most not wanting to get out of the destructive urban sub-culture and not seeing the advantages to rising above such an environment. To be fair, most aren't going to arrive at this solution on their own and are going to need help to arrive at the mindset that there is something better out there than an uneducated life as a member of an impoverished community... but I think Cosby's point is also that too many African-American spokespeople and advocacy groups are in the business of trying to excuse the behavior of those in question rather than trying to change that behavior.

My Favorite Quiz

Which Member of the Shadow Council Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

Thank Jared for coming up with this...

Catholic Sell-Out

It's priests like these that give many conservatives hesitation in supporting the Roman Catholic Church, especially in its work in the Third World.

The aforementioned article highlights Father Joe Maier, a priest in Bangkok, Thailand. Father Joe has done some very good things and has created a school in the inner-city slums and taken in many starving and needy children in an attempt to give them a better life. This is all well and good... but then you dig a little deeper and you get things like this out of the article:

What's so unique about this scene is, the kids are praying to Buddha in a Catholic school. But that's just fine with Father Joe Maier, who says he doesn't care if the children say their "Hail Marys" to a statue of Buddha as long as they know some prayers to help them deal with life.

Here's another exchange that I found rather telling:

Father Joe went to Thailand with two assignments.

Fr. MAIER: To become a missionary priest and to work with the people and to convert them to Christianity and become holy, I guess. They converted me, though.

JONES (To Fr. Maier): Who converted you?

Fr. MAIER: The Buddhists and Muslims. I've only learned to be a Christian by learning from the Muslims and Buddhists: tolerance and calmness and peace.

And I find this last quote very telling about Maier's validity as a Christian worker:

Every week those tribes have to gather like a family council. They commune, give pause, and give thanks to the greater being. [Maier] has them learn prayers, but he doesn't enforce it upon them by way of stripping away their Buddhist identity.

In essence, I this sort of thing typifies the problem: taking a positive experience with a spiritual element and relabelling it "Christianity" by mixing in a couple of elements of Christianity and ignoring doctrine so that everyone is happy. While Christ came so that the world could be saved and came in love, He is not weak and willing to submit to other religions just so that their supplicants can feel free to be Christians without any discomfort.

This isn't to say that the entire Roman Catholic Church is responsible for this... but it's been my experience talking with those who work and minister, especially in the Third World, that this is hardly an exception. Rather than do the hard work of fighting local religion, many priests just incorporate large parts of it into Catholicism, and thus create problems for years to come and undermine the name of Christianity and confuse it with some bastardized version.

Not Sure What to Do With These

I made these up the other evening and I'm not sure where to put them or how I'll use them... so for now, feel free to copy them to your own server and use them if you like. (Bandwidth thieves will have their arms torn off and used to beat them to death.)

and last but not least...

Oddly Enough

A couple of days ago, I was making some various icons for my blog, and then I found this... which struck me as a perfect way to introduce one of my new icons.

Note: to those of you who object to some of my coarser vocabulary, you might want to pass this one up.

Stop Oppressive Gardening!

Just when you thought that the Cynic was done with the links, he strikes back. First, I found the Free the Gnomes homepage and figured you'd like to see it. It's clean and Wench-friendly.

Oddly enough... today seems to be clean disturbing link day. I'll have to rectify that tomorrow. But anyways, here's a link to the First Vienna Vegetable Orchestra, where the music is good and the instruments are edible. And last but not least, I have a news story to highlight the plight of our Aussie friends in the land down under, where you aren't allowed to order cool knives on the internet.

So yeah... there are your family-friendly, work-safe, children approved warped links. That's not gonna happen again for quite some time so enjoy it.

The Lost Links

In an apparent effort to help me make up for lost time and lost warped links, Wheeler is digging up all sorts of random and warped things. First we have this story of a British man breaking into an animal shelter, armed with a rifle, a katana, lighter fluid and a hammer in an attempt to break his dog out.

Continuing on in the animal motif, we have this picture, from the Cryptozoology Gallery. Oh... and check out the giant bunny, the mutant frog and the "unicorn" from the same gallery. Screwed up.

Sympathy Pains

So yeah... I was just given link to a story about a guy who apparently ripped off his own testicles. If he actually did that, he didn't deserve them in the first place.

Ouch! (Thank Jared!)

Speaking of great shame, here's another good news article that the Guatemalan passed along to me. In this guy's shoes, I probably would have committed suicide too.

How Unfortunate

Wilson sent me this link to illustrate the notion that as bad as your name is, it in't nearly this bad.

Speaking of cool things found on the internet, my little brother found me this online mirror of ESPN's Images of Our Century. Good stuff for anyone who enjoys sports.

Oddities

So yeah... apparently the new record for number of nude roller-coaster riders has been broken in Britian. And speaking of the Brits, apparently the TV Show Wife Swap is being brought over to America.

Best Essays Ever

I stumbled upon this series of 3 essays written by disgruntled students at some school or another. All I have to say is these are some of the most hillarious essays I've ever read... especially the one about Walt Whitman. I also found this set of Peter Nguyen's essays (author of Walt Whitman) after doing some looking... truly bizarre.

Update: I have found Peter Nguyen's home on the internet where he has more of his stuff posted. I will warn you though, it's pretty messed up and I wouldn't go looking at the animations if I were you.

Death Clock

For those of you anxiously awaiting the death of Britney Spears, check here for a countdown to her projected death hour.

Fighting Scammers

This was linked on slashdot, fark and somethingawful. Best way to fight a scammer ever!

Moving Day

As today is moving day and I won't have much time, I'd like to thank Jared for coming up with today's warped link. It's called fertility friend, and it's a warped kind of PacMan. I hope you enjoy it.

Bad Way to Go

When I go, I don't want to be bitten to death by a horse. For that matter, I don't want to have the OS crash on the boat that I'm in... leading to a crash of a more painful variety or some sort of critical weapons glitch.

Note: while the first link is a tad disturbed, the second isn't.

Feel the Need

Have you ever felt like you wanted to get online so bad that you'd bash someone in the face with a fire extinguisher if they tried to stop you?

Only in Kenya

We can all thank Jared and Dave Barry for finding this gem. HOLY CRAP LIONS!

Street Pac-Man?

Give me a couple of hours and I'll have all sorts of fun. Special medical devices and Street Pac-Man are my two amusements of the day. The first is somewhat disturbing (but not really) and the second is just really odd, but family-friendly.

Sensory Transmigration

I just had an epiphany. Up until now, I really hadn't run into a blog that gives the exact feeling one gets when one talks to that person. Wilson's comes close, but Rachel's is that blog.

Kittie Pink

Yeah... the warped links are back. Here's a furry site that I really can't say that I recommend to the weak-minded among you.

Final Amusements

Final Hell Day is upon me... so to amuse you while I'm there:
E*bay seller gets owned!
Why old women shouldn't drive
Dance Lesson Disturbed (note: could disturb some)

Worker Rights

Apparently people think that hookers should be treated no differently than other workers. I think they should clearly be admitted to the AFL-CIO... it's not been doing anyone else any good lately.

Interesting

Was looking for some information on Gammonds (a Flooder friend of mine who graduated last year) and found this website. Rather entertaining... especially the pictures.

Where Did it Go?

Thanks to Wilson for finding this well-written article on D&D.

Do-It-Yourself Veterinarian

You can all thank Dunny for today's warped link.

Kick the Habit

Wilson has contributed the link to this wonderful picture for your viewing pleasure.

Social Status

I believe that today's PVP comic says quite a bit about the sum of Moore's social status. I highly recommend it.

Insomnia?

Of special interest to Wilson:

"Who Needs Sleep?" - Barenaked Ladies Stunt

Now I lay me down not to sleep I just get tangled in the sheets I swim in sweat three inches deep I just sit back and claim defeat

Chapter read and lesson learned
I turned the lights off while she burned
So while she’s three hundred degrees
I throw the sheets off and I freeze

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats. The only thing that counts is
that I won’t sleep. I count down, I look around.

(chorus:)

Who needs sleep? Well you’re never gonna get it
Who needs sleep? Tell me what’s that for
Who needs sleep? Be happy with what you’re getting
There’s a guy who’s been awake since the second world war
Who needs sleep? Well you’re never gonna get it
Who needs sleep? Tell me what’s that for
Who needs sleep? Be happy with what you’re getting
There’s a guy who’s been awake since the second world war

My hands are locked up tight in fists
My mind is racing filled with lists
Of things to do and things I’ve done
Another sleepless night’s begun

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats. The only thing that counts is
that I won’t sleep. I count down, I look around.

(chorus)

There’s so much joy in life, so many pleasures all around
The pleasure of insomnia is one I’ve never found
With all life has to offer, there’s so much to be enjoyed
The pleasures of insomnia are ones I can’t avoid

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats. The only thing that counts is
that I won’t sleep. I count down, I look around.

Hala hala hala

(chorus)

(chorus)

Who needs sleep? Well you’re never gonna get it
Who needs sleep? Tell me what’s that for
Who needs sleep? Be happy with what you’re getting
There’s a guy who’s been awake since the second world war
Who needs sleep? Well you’re never gonna get it
Who needs sleep? Tell me what’s that for
Who needs sleep? Be happy with what you’re getting
There’s a guy who’s been awake since the second world war

(words by Steven Page and Ed Robertson)

News Articles

Sorry that I haven't been posting much in the way of substantive writing of late... I've been kind of busy with the whole school-work and personal interaction thing. I'll try and keep this going, but I'm going to have to beg off insofar as lengthy posting, at least for another day or so.

Anyways, here are some news links that I found entertaining:
ZDNews Australia has a 5-part expose on famous hackers. Also, BusinessWeek has a nice series on the growth and maturing of Linux.

Square Wheels!

This may be of particular interest to the math and physics nerds among us.... (thanks Dunny.)

Sexier than a Jawa...

Another wonderful S*P strip about the social skills of nerds... quality stuff.

Bizarre Games

More than you ever knew (or probably wanted to know) about the little toy on a string, commonly referred to as the yo-yo.

Also, here's a tax-related Something Positive cartoon that really amused me.

Bookmeme

From Dungeon Master's Guide, 3.5 ed. (Wizards of the Coast, 2003):

He takes the time to cast bless and shield of faith on hiimself before opening the door and using a standard action to cast hold person on the first foe he sees.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

Via Wilson.

So yeah... everybody in the blog world seems to be doing this and I didn't want to be left out.

End of the World

There's this wonderful little flash animation regarding the end of the world that I rediscovered this last weekend. Good stuff... mostly work safe (except a bit of bad language.)

update: The server is slower than dirt... just to warn you.

Wow...

Lately I've been posting a lot of interesting finds, and I'm going to continue on that for now. First I have this article about the BBC screening the first televised sperm race (thanks, Gallagher.) As if that weren't enough for one post, I also have the Subservient Chicken (who, I have it on good authority, will dance the "YMCA") courtesy of Wilson.

Also, for all of those of you who are afraid of going to my second link out of a respect for my reputation for links... don't worry about the chicken doing anything untoward, Wheeler already tried to make it do something indecent and the screen blanked in interest of saving the innocence of the children.

2004 Polly Awards

The Collegiate Network has just announced its 7th annual Campus Outrage Awards:

Yale and UCSB are tied for First Place: Yale for its Sex Week at Yale and UCSB for legitimizing and promoting Alejandro Juarez's “F*$%ing with Stereotypes: Gay Men of Color in Porn” at their own Multicultural Center.

Stewie

Which Family Guy character are you?

Only in Kenya...

Lions and Tigers
Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger
Lord of the Rings Badgers

Greek God

I am Hecate

Which of the Greek Gods Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla (thanks to Wheeler for providing me with the link.)

Little Kids

Thank you Wheeler for finding my two life philosophies about brats located on one web comic strip.

Monty Python

Scott was whining the other day about the fact that nobody ever has any good Monty Python links. I found a couple... and while they seem to universally suck as far as page design and content is concerned, they do have quality material linked and available for download.

Hi-Tech Cage

This case amuses me, and I'm not even an animal fan. It's perfectly clean... as far as being work-safe and family-friendly anyways. I wouldn't vouch for it being clear of gerbil crap though...

Peanuts

It's really hard to get this quiz to give me meaningful results... probably because it's just not very good. That said, the outcomes are fun.

I'm pretty sure the first one applies now whereas the second one would have applied at this time last year.

Best Flash Ever

Check this thing out! (Flash Player Required... perfectly 100% clean)

I know if someone was singing like that in the labs, I would do that.

PBJ Time

Gecko found this for me. If you are particularly impressionable or easily disturbed, don't go.

Spammers Beware

Do you hate spammers? Do you like abusing abrasive morons? My policy of posting the IP addresses of comment spammers is effective post ex facto, starting now.

IP addresses are below, the dates they were added to my block list are in parenthesis.

(2004.02.17) 64.237.37.248
(2004.02.25) 66.55.139.221
(2004.03.03) 80.58.33.107
(2004.03.20) 213.91.217.13
(2004.03.20) 64.159.65.78
(2004.03.20) 62.47.124.158

It would seem that a new moron has decided to bother me, even this very day... idiots.

(2004.03.20) 213.91.217.14
(2004.03.25) 213.91.217.15
(2004.04.03) 195.179.127.251
(2004.04.03) 66.98.226.51
(2004.04.04) 218.229.61.9
(2004.04.09) 202.66.33.93
(2004.04.16) 202.75.47.89
(2004.04.16) 80.58.9.111
(2004.04.18) 211.184.25.253
(2004.04.19) 61.250.86.53
(2004.04.22) 200.171.151.213
(2004.04.23) 61.19.243.11
(2004.05.02) 172.200.143.157
(2004.05.02) 67.85.40.18
(2004.05.02) 67.85.156.110

In Lieu...

As I lack truly quality things to post, I give you this warped link on fashion.

Leaving Town...

As you can see, I'm supposed to be driving out momentarily.
It's too early.
I hate mornings.
I can't think.
Go read this link.
You're probably still in bed.
I hate you.

I want one...

Wow...
*alternates between paranoid twitching and envious drooling*

Link Round-up

First I present The Artistic Range of Bubble Gum, which is safe for all. Next is the beverage of choice for beaver chasing, which is also perfectly clean, despite innuendos.

Finally we have Lodger TV, which is the home to several warped flash animations, but is probably work safe, as long as nobody objects to the notions. Anna, I would recommend you avoid this one.

Thanks to the Brit (who apparently gets paid to do nothing but surf the 'net all day) for this good stuff.

Just Bent

Have you ever felt like the police were out to prove something when they pulled you over? Ever felt like you were just being crapped on for no good reason?

I know I've got nothing on some of these people... and then this problem takes the cake.

Catch-22!

You're Catch-22!