Vengeful Cynic

Not Lovin' It

McDonald's is the place for anger management issues.

My favorite part is at the end after the whole incident, the employee serves the next customer as if nothing at all unusual has happened.

Daily Show Exclusive: Glenn Beck Talks Healthcare

I'm pretty sure this sums up the idealogical divide quite nicely. Thank you, Glenn Beck:

Ultimate Crazy Cat Lady

The One True Cat Lady

The Heavens Ordain

So it would seem that I am predestined to return to blogging this week, as there are news stories hitting which I simply couldn't conceive of ignoring. The stars have aligned, and the skies have given forth madness. Behold the works of fate and the madness of man:

You're Illegally Not Using Our Product!

Now this is a little bit complicated, so bear with me. When you transmit music or video over the internet in real-time, you use something called a data stream so that people can watch it as it "streams in"... many of you have probably heard of "streaming technology" before. One of the down-sides of this is that, with the correct technology, it's fairly trivial to rip copy protection off of streamed content unless it's encrypted. Of course, the difficulty of getting this software and using it prevents most people from doing that, but it is possible.

Now, this is where Media Rights Technologies comes in. According to them, because their software can be used to encrypt these data streams and people aren't using it, those people aren't doing everything they can to stop copyright infringement and are thus in violation of the DMCA, and MRTA is suing these companies to get them to comply... by buying MRTA's software. The part where this gets really fun is that some of the companies that MRTA is planning to sue include CNN and NPR, who own almost all, if not all of the content they distribute. That's right, MRTA is going to sue these companies for not protecting their own content with MRTA's software.

Showdown at the Pops

In between the first notes of a medley from "Gigi" and the performance by Ben Folds, the unannounced percussion of thrown chairs eminated from an upper balcony at Boston's Symphony Hall, home of the Boston Pops. Conductor Keith Lockhart stopped the performance and the audience looked on as two men brawled, ripping shirts and crashing into chairs as a crowd looked on. Eventually, security made it to the brawling men, they were removed and the concert resumed. No word yet on the response of the performers or of the fate of the nutjobs, who apparently started fighting when one asked the other to quiet down.

Beaver 2.0

And from the far reaches of the high culture, we return to Geek Nirvana, where taxidermy has met with the more modern scientists. Because apparently, bored taxidermist + computer modder + dead beaver = BEAVER WITH A COMPUTER INSIDE. Just wow... really. The only thing crazier than that would be a baby going head-to-head...

Beyond Bizarre

Words fail me... really.

Technical Difficulties

I normall don't post images... but this was too good to pass up.

All the News

... that probably wasn't fit to print. But it's sure funny.

Plow:1 Old Lady:0 City of Denver:$150

Apparently, in Denver, it is against the law to fail to clear your sidewalks within 24 hours of them being covered... a crime punishable by a $150 fine the first time and $500 for repeat offenses.

What if you're a little old lady and can't shovel your sidewalk on your own? Better hire help.

What if you've already hired help and the plows pushed more snow on your sidewalks?
Oops. 24 hours... or else.

"Hold it for Just a Few More Miles"

Apparently radio people at a station in Sacramento thought it would be a good idea to get some contestants, give them water and see who could hold it in for the longest. The winner gets a Nintendo Wii. The name of this charming contest? “Hold your wee for a Wii.”

It's all good... until SOMEBODY DIES. There's some good PR.

Did you know that you could die of water poisoning? I didn't.

Tasers FTW

Last but not least is this little gem which notes that giving stun guns to Houston police seems to not have had the desired effect: namely that police use their deadly guns less likely in favor of the stun-guns?

The actual effect? Well... normal shootings are following pre-existing trends but stun-gun shootings are sharply on the rise. Oh... and get this: Houston police officers have used Tasers more than 1,000 times in the past two years. But in 95 percent of those cases, they were not used to defuse situations in which suspects wielded weapons and deadly force clearly would have been justified. Oh... and in over 350 of those, no suspect was charged. That's right... over 1/3 of the time, Houston police officers are tasering people who aren't breaking any laws. That's just awesome.

Why Do Scientists Hate America?

Did you know that scientists who want to convert the country to metric actually hate America and Freedom? SI is for pussies and Europeans... stick with the American tradition of English measurement.

Compulsory metrication is undemocratic. Who ever asked you if you wanted the metric system? Our traditional, customary American weights and measures are units that we know and use easily. Miles, feet, gallons, quarts etc. are units that we are comfortable with. They are part of our heritage. Metrication will not only destroy part of our cultural inheritance, it will mean that a large percentage of Americans will be cut off from understanding measurement. The metric system is already creeping into the USA. Our way of measuring is under threat by Europeans.... fight back!

No More Idiots

Just so you know, the word "idiot" may be cut from the New Jersey Constitution due to its status as "outdated, vague, offensive to many and may be subject to misinterpretation." As of right now New Jersey doesn't allow idiots to vote... and I find it peculiar that anyone is lobbying for a reversal of that policy. But that's just me.

Light Tax

It would appear that Ted Stevens has been doing some governmental consulting in India. Apparently, using a fiberoptic data cable is the same thing as selling light... which is apparently a commodity. Or so Indian tax collectors would lead you to believe.

My Kind of News

In the vein of Zinedine Zidane comes this from the world of horse-racing. Specifically, Jockey Paul O'Neill was seen on tape being thrown from his horse, City Affair. This would be nothing special... if O'Neill hadn't come around in front of City Affair and head-butted him. Oddly enough, this seems to have been exactly what the thoroughbred needed, if the change of horse's change of temperment on the film is any indication. That said, the Horceracing Regulatory Authority has decided to launch an investigation into "improper behavior" on the part of O'Neill.
For my part, I'm vastly amused. Seriously, who headbutts a horse? I also have doubts about City Affair considering that he just took that headbutt and backed down. I mean, come on... who's going to want a stud with a reputation of lacking chutzpah. City Affair needs to consider his street cred and take some drastic measures. Maybe he needs to go win a race in France... at least then people would start levelling allegations of doping against him and start taking him seriously. And if that's too hard, just go get arrested on solicitation or drug trafficking charges. Come on City Affair... do you have what it takes to be a star athlete or not?

Amusing Pictures

Some fun stuff that I found and decided that you ought to see, in lieu of my actually posting. That said, I hope to do some of that actual writing stuff this weekend.

Note: those contained below the fold might raise objections by people who consider my humor occasionally crass.

My Friend Jason

When I lived in New York, I met and befriended a guy named Jason. Jason always wanted to be a pilot and while I was starting high school in Ohio, he started taking classes to get his private pilot's license, in addition to his normal high school stuff.

Several years later, I went off to LeTourneau... and I tried talking him into coming, but he raised the valid point that LU is expensive as crap. So, he went to Embry Riddel and got all sorts of licenses, graduating a year before I did (though, he IS a year older and all.)

Anyways, due to an incident that happened on Friday, he's getting his 15 minutes. All I can say is it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy and I'm just glad he's ok, and hopefully enjoying his bit o' limelight.

I would like to note that this is the first of my friends to ever get noted in one of my warped links. Isn't that sweet?

Looting in Louisianna

You will not believe this. Cops have been seen standing by while stores are looted... and some have even been seen to be doing the looting themselves. Anyone who wants to argue against the basic depravity of human nature need go no further than to examine what happens when situations like this happen. Granted, there are many who lend a hand... but an equal number turn to anarchy.

Odd Happenings

So if you happen to upset your local cable or utilities office, you might want to beware... one of their employees could change your name in their system to something unpleasant by way of payback.

In other news of my deep insights, avoid massive sales. Especially if there are more potential buyers than there are items for sale. Especially if they police presence doesn't appear enough by half to prevent injuries to the crowd of potential buyers. These should be sign enough... but then you might want to consider it an ill omen if people are wielding collapsable chairs and other objects as weapons in the disorganized charge towards the sale desk. Police presence? What police presence?

Homophobia

This news story is not something I would suggest reading to the faint of heart or people with a weak stomach. It outlines a rather grotesque element of American society: mentally unstable people. In this case, a mentally unstable homophobe who ended up killing his own three-year-old son in an attempt to protect him from "becoming gay."

Normally, I'm a pretty firm opponent of government agencies like the Child Protection Services. That said, every time I see one of these incidents, I can see why other countries name all children wards of the state and allow parents to continue raising their children on a provisional basis. I mean, the government really shouldn't have to do this, but on the other hand, there are a lot of little children like Ronnie Parris III who would be alive and well today if it weren't for the pathetic ink-stains in the historical record like 21-year-old Ronnie Parris Jr. If the government isn't going to save them who is?

As a libertarian, I object to government interference in my personal life. I don't like the idea that I should have to pass some sort of government test to be allowed to father a child if I should want to (not that I do, but just if I wanted to), nor should I be forced to submit to scrutiny of some outside organization, government or otherwise, to tell me how to run my life. That said, these children have rights too, and the right to not be smacked around by some worthless waste of oxygen, cigarettes and welfare stamps ranks pretty high on my list.

So I guess my question is, where does one balance the rights of those who cannot protect those rights with the libertarian ideals of the private, unharassed life?

Wrongful Eviction?

So this woman in Iowa had her boyfriend try to kill her, and the landlord decided that this was the woman's fault and is evicting her. Among the reasons listed for eviction is being too loud during the attempt on her life. The landlord says that this is all the woman's fault for inviting her boyfriend in, in the first place.

Now, maybe I'm feeling just a tad generous, but if someone has an attempt made on his or her life, you don't evict them. I don't care if he/she is the worst tennant in the world, that's just mean, especially when they're recovering from having been shot six times and jumping off of a balcony to escape a murderer (or would-be murderer.) Beyond bad press, and this had better generate a lot of that, it's just not right. I'm not sure words can even express how not insensitive and simultaneously bad for PR this is.

That said, you know you love it when the article provides a link to the apartment complex website and that website has an email address on it. Can we say, "Send indignant email with a fury!"?

"...He was Hazardous Material"

Yeah... so this article is work-safe but probably not something you want children reading.

I don't even know where to begin except that an insanity plea is a must. I mean... I don't even know... that's just messed up. Way too messed up...

Just Wrong

A very misguided boy got loose in his neighborhood and did a decent variety of sick things. This is a news article whose subject matter is not family-friendly... nor is it even amusing. I'm more or less posting this as a complaint that the article spends 75% of the time whining about a dog, when there are two other human victims who are virtually ignored. In light of the people, who cares about the dog?!

By Way of Apology

Because some of you have clearly been missing my presence on the internet, I have seen fit to restore myself to your good graces in an especially poignant way. Namely, I have gone and found the most screwed-up and samely family-friendly link that I have seen in months. It's actually a pair of related links.

First, I want you to read about a Wiccan marriage ceremony known as a "hand-fasting" and not just any hand-fasting at that. Nextly, I want you to read about the particular ceremony that was performed at this wedding, along with a lot of other tid-bits of lore.

...go read before we continue...

Yes, that's right... he marries people to their horses! And not only does he do this casually, he has gone to the lengths of making up an ENTIRE marriage ceremony with which to perform this rite of marriage to one's horse.

The funniest part here to me is in the actual ceremony, where the officiant asks the horse if he/she wants to continue on in the hand-fasting. Presumably, the horse needs to want this as much as the human participant:

The Priest(ess) lays her hand on the mare's mane and whispers : "{BRIDE}. Beside you stands {GROOM}. He has promised before the Horse Goddess and the Horned God to protect and keep you as his partner in love and herdmate. If you so desire this then shall be. If you do not so wish then you may leave him. May Epona carry this words to you and in your heart may you so choose your path." The priest withdraws a step to allow the bride to make her decision. If she stays the ritual continues.

*stammers* I don't really know what else to say...

Catherine the Great, eat your heart out. Crazy limeys.

Real World Lightsabers?

What happens when you fill fluorescent light tubes with gasoline and power them? In the short term, you get something very reminiscent of an actual light-saber in terms of the glow. In the longer-term, they explode.

How do I know this? A pair of uber-nerds in Britain found this out for us by experimentation.

Town Drunk

Do you think your town has a crazy drunk? You've obviously never heard of Henry Earl of Lexington, Kentucky. That's right, Henry Earl is the world-wide champion drunk with 803 arrests for public drunkenness. He has some fan sites and even a song named after him. To see if Henry Earl is currently incarcerated and to get some stats and random mugshots, click here.

I had forgotten how much worse Kentucky is than anywhere else in the U.S.

Obscure Patents

Anyone want a bird diaper? It's a patented concept... just like the inflatable rug. Check them out.

High Marks for Frivolity

If you were like me and you took honors classes in high school, there is a good chance that there were summer assignments to complete before the first day of school. These were just part of the burden one had to bear for the retard-free classes with GPA-weighting. Or I suppose I could have sued.

A New Category

Considering the number of strange news stories that I've been finding that really don't qualify as "Warped Links" material, I am starting a new category: the WTF Files.

Today's submission is courtesy of Ma Hoyt, and it involves a 10-day suspension for a 7th-grader who tossed a rubber band to his teacher and had it categorized as "Class 4 Assault" on par with a bomb threat. Go figure.