On the repeal of Prohibition

This is a raid!

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, we need no longer live in fear of these words. We are now legitimate! At long last, the nationwide scourge know as Prohibition has been repealed!

We are gathered here to mark the Grand Reopening of one of this city's finest establishments. We are here also to welcome back as fine a businessman, and I daresay as fine a man, as this city has ever seen. We are here to welcome Karl's Place back into operation. Karl, this is a great day.

For too long legitimate businessmen have languished, watching their markets go to cutthroat and dastardly organized criminals. Not that it hasn't been profitable. Fortunately, Karl and I weren't afraid to take our lemons and make lemonade -- among other beverages.

But that's all changed now. Our customers can come through the front door again. We've closed off the basement, hauled the bar back upstairs, and hung out the proud sign of Karl's once again. Furthermore, we've invited all of our friends for the occasion. Joe, Tony, Bartholomew, Chuckles -- all the old regulars are here and then some.

I'd like to extend an extra special welcome to our guests of honor. We've invited the local representatives of the US Treasury Department to join us in this event. We want everyone to know there's no hard feelings. After all, Doc and Shorty had it coming. And we know it wasn't personal; you fine agents of the federal government were just doing your job. We know you don't have anything against liquor; after all, you're good local Catholic boys, right?

But it's been a long, hard struggle. The days have been short and full of headaches, and the nights have been long and full of gunfire. Good men on both sides of the law gave their lives for the causes they believed in. Our fearless law enforcement officers fought to keep our streets safe and free from drunk people; our fearless mobsters fought to protect the dignity of the working man -- his right to imbibe without interference from the state. At this time I'd like to honor them. It's only appropriate that we remember their sacrifice as we reopen this bar. Gentlemen, would you please remove your hats as we observe a moment of silence?

(Pause of about two seconds)

OK, that's long enough.

I don't want to drag this out any longer than it has to be. You people came for the entertainment inside the store, not outside! I hear that Karl's secured the services of the local chapter of the Women's Christian Temperance Union for the line dance. So without further ado, I propose a toast.

Ladies and gentlemen -- and I do mean ladies and gentlemen -- I give you: my friend and business associate Karl . . . the Twenty-first Amendment . . . and the very good health of us all.

First one's on the house.

(Above is a written version of the special event speech I gave today in class. The professor's first name is Karl.)