Observations from church this morning

Observation # 1

It seems that middle-aged ladies find my "soft suede" polyster shirt attractive. They cannot seem to keep their hands away from the sleeves. One lady said something about "beating off the girls with sticks." Regrettably, the shirt did not seem to have even the same effect, much less one justifying a resort to cudgelry, on the younger ladies.

Conclusion: Results mixed. 50-year-old men should ask for the name of my tailor.

Observation # 2

Conservative Baptists still have few qualms about applying the Old Testament directly to modern society. According to the pastor, the drought this area experienced two years ago could have been ended more quickly if the county had repented of its sins with greater haste; prayer is the handmaiden of irrigation (2 Chron. 6:26-27).

Conclusion: In accordance with the following chapter, the Building and Grounds Committee should make immediate plans to slaughter 120,000 sheep (7:5).

Observation # 3

So far, data suggest that country gentlemen who speak with a twang, at a rate of approximately one word per hour, should never be permitted to think out loud. They may take forty minutes to decipher the fine difference between "obedience" and "honor"; meantime, the Methodists will have swarmed the local restaurants.

Conclusion: "Honor your father and mother" is not a very difficult concept, but it can make a college-and-career Sunday school class hungry.

Observation # 4

The previous two observations had a far less displeasing effect than anticipated. Despite the nearly Talmudic nature of some of the doctrinal discussions today, this researcher found fellowship and worship to have been left largely intact.

Conclusion: It is probably a good thing that I reread Life Together this week. In any event, Christian fellowship can triumph even over people like me.