The difference between France and America

In times such as these, parents may find themselves being asked awkward questions. War can be difficult for children to comprehend, and you should be prepared to explain the rudiments of geopolitics to your progeny. "Daddy, what did you do in the war?" is probably a few years off, but uncomfortable conversations can begin sooner than that. Children hear more than we sometimes think they do. One of these days, little Juniorette may blurt out while you stand in line at Mickey D's, "Mommy, why do Suzie's parents call them 'freedom fries' now?" The entire restaurant patronage will stare at you. And unless you can explain the concept of dastardly French anti-American obstructionism before her mind wanders again, she may go on thinking of the French as harmless little men with moustaches. Then she will go to Oxford as a Rhodes scholar, meet a Frenchman on a weekend, and marry him. And you will have half-breed grandchildren who call you "grand-père" and "grand-mère."

With that in mind, here is a slightly prophylactic list of differences between France and America. These should be helpful to you when explaining why the French are godless little Arab-sympathizers.

The French speak French. But Americans are not so self-absorbed as to speak American.

Come to think of it, many of the French speak English. Most Americans don't -- not so that you would notice, anyway.

The French express their nationalism by officially removing English words from their vocabulary, and trying to keep America from invading countries with which they have business relationships. The Americans express their nationalism more harmlessly, by making fun of the French and bombing former French colonies.

Including civilians, 300,000 Americans died in World War II. The French lost a mere 560,000 and surrendered before America even figured out there was a war on.

The stripes on the American flag are horizontal. The stripes on the French flag are vertical. The Americans have more stripes, too.

France is believed to have 350 nuclear warheads. America may have 10,000.

The Americans admire French women. The French admire Jerry Lewis. Hopefully not for the same reasons.

France built a nuclear reactor for Saddam. America gave biological agents to Saddam.

Americans build cars with cool names like Mercury and Pontiac. The French have an auto they call the Lemon.