The secret lives of groomsmen

Friday, 12:30 p.m. My father and I have lunch at Papacita's. (Dad drove up to Longview in the family van in order to cart home the bulk of my possessions.)

Friday, 3:30 p.m. Thanks to Dad, I am ready to check out of my apartment on time. None of my roommates are.

Friday, 7:30 p.m. At Al's Formal Wear, I try on a tuxedo for the first time in my life. I survey the results with satisfaction. I look spiffy. The vest and tie are periwinkle.

Friday, 7:50 p.m. I look askance at Rachel and Sharon, who are poring over a catalog in Al's as they wait for us guys to finish with the tuxes. They seem to be plotting something.

Saturday, 10:30 a.m. The graduates walk at commencement. When Ardith walks, Heather calls out, "That's my roommate!" The audience laughs.

Saturday, 3:30 p.m. Gallagher, Moore, Ziggy, and I crash the Hoyts' party at the park. Sharon provides us with cake. Moore chugs lemonade from the carton, to the great amusement of the Hoytlings.

Saturday, 10:30 p.m. In the office of the Ice Cave, the groomsmen begin a spontaneous Weird Al sing-along that will last the better part of an hour. I think philosophical thoughts about the meaning of friendship.

Sunday, 11:00 a.m. I eat pecan pancakes at IHOP with several members of Scholl's family, including his mother and grandmother, who are simply marvelous people.

Sunday, 11:40 a.m. Gallagher and I leave Scholl in his mother's custody. He makes vague promises about a beard trimmer.

Sunday, 12:40 p.m. Arriving at church with my tuxedo, I take a moment to eat a sandwich. Moore has already arrived, but he is still playing a computer game on his impossibly tiny laptop.

Sunday, 2:00 p.m. Gallagher's tie has finally been affixed to his collar. ("Al" made a slight error when sending us the tuxedoes.) The photographs begin. We will have to round up the groomsmen all over again several times before the photography is done. Some misguided soul seems to be under the impression that groomsmen are supposed to run errands or something. I know better. I am here to make the photographs look good. I stay put and let Morgan keep taking my picture.

Sunday, 3:25 p.m. A close call in the foyer of the church: we lock Scholl in one of the church offices to keep him from seeing Anna before the ceremony begins. He looks nervous. When he threatens to run away, we offer to break his legs.

Sunday, 3:35 p.m. It begins. Anna and Scholl look terrified during most of the ceremony. Drs. Woodring and Kubricht will later tell us that we groomsmen look funereal.

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