Reverse EULA

PRODUCER LICENSE AGREEMENT FOR ALL PRODUCTS

IMPORTANT-READ CAREFULLY: This Producer License Agreement ("PROLA") is an agreement between you (as a legal agent of __________, hereafter "COMPANY") and __________ (hereafter "CONSUMER"), for any products purchased by CONSUMER from COMPANY.

Opening the envelope containing this letter constitutes acceptance of this PROLA. By accepting this PROLA, you agree that COMPANY will terminate immediately any End-User License Agreement ("EULA") associated with any product purchased by CONSUMER, without terminating the latter's right to possess and use the products purchased. If you do not agree to the terms of this PROLA, COMPANY must immediately surrender to CONSUMER its copyright and any other intellectual-property title to the products in question.

By accepting this PROLA, you further agree that COMPANY will not use CONSUMER's name in any legal correspondence or court filings.

This PROLA is governed by the laws of the Isle of Sark, Channel Islands. Should any legal proceeding result from this PROLA, you agree that COMPANY waives its right to trial by a jury consisting of anyone other than CONSUMER's immediate family and intimate friends. Should any portion of this PROLA be held invalid or unenforceable by any legal authority, this will not affect the enforceability of any other provision of this PROLA.

Inspired by a suggestion here.

There's a new edition coming out

Via Jared, who is (appropriately enough) a classic novel.

"Obesity pandemic engulfing world: experts"

SYDNEY (AFP) - Obesity has reached pandemic proportions throughout the world and is now the greatest single contributor to chronic disease, an international conference was told here.

"This insidious, creeping pandemic of obesity is now engulfing the entire world," Australia's Monash University professor Paul Zimmet, chair of the 10th International Congress on Obesity, said on the opening day of the conference.

The spread of the problem was "led by affluent western nations, whose physical activity and dietary habits are regrettably being adopted by developing nations," Zimmet told more than 2,000 delegates. [...]

Movies galore

This one was sort of started by Jared.

1. A movie that made you cry

Schindler's List.

2. A movie that scared you

Secret Window.

3. A movie that made you laugh

1776.

4. A movie that disgusted you

I got tricked into watching The Great McGonagall late one night. It's disgusting in the "95-minutes-of-my-life-I'll-never-get-back" sort of way.

5. A movie you loved in elementary school

Swiss Family Robinson.

6. A movie you loved in middle school

That Darn Cat!

7. A movie you loved in high school

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

8. A movie you loved in college

Fiddler on the Roof.

9. A movie that challenged your identity or your faith

Wild Strawberries.

10. A series that you love

The Godfather, parts I and II.

11. Your favorite horror

I don't really watch horror; the nearest match is probably something by Hitchcock.

12. Your favorite science-fiction

Dr. Strangelove. I say it counts, especially if Star Wars does (I insist that the latter is fantasy, not sci-fi).

13. Your favorite fantasy

The Lord of the Rings.

14. Your favorite mystery

The Third Man would be a good choice.

15. Your favorite biography

Lawrence of Arabia.

16. Your favorite coming-of-age

Such a depressing genre. Would you balk at Hamlet?

17. Your favorite not on this list

Casablanca? Citizen Kane? Apocalypse Now? Chicken Run? There are too many. Go away.

Communist jokes

The family dog and I are both a bit under the weather right now, but seeing this -- "Hammer & tickle" by Ben Lewis -- cheered us up. It's an article about (mostly, but not exclusively dissident) humor behind the Iron Curtain.

As the system became harsher, a distinctive communist sense of humour emerged -- pithy, dark and surreal -- but so did the legal machinery for repressing it. Historian Roy Medvedev looked through the files of Stalin's political prisoners and concluded that 200,000 people were imprisoned for telling jokes, such as this: Three prisoners in the gulag get to talking about why they are there. "I am here because I always got to work five minutes late, and they charged me with sabotage," says the first. "I am here because I kept getting to work five minutes early, and they charged me with spying," says the second. "I am here because I got to work on time every day," says the third, "and they charged me with owning a western watch."

Communist jokes

The family dog and I are both a bit under the weather right now, but seeing this -- "Hammer & tickle" by Ben Lewis -- cheered us up. It's an article about (mostly, but not exclusively dissident) humor behind the Iron Curtain.

As the system became harsher, a distinctive communist sense of humour emerged -- pithy, dark and surreal -- but so did the legal machinery for repressing it. Historian Roy Medvedev looked through the files of Stalin's political prisoners and concluded that 200,000 people were imprisoned for telling jokes, such as this: Three prisoners in the gulag get to talking about why they are there. "I am here because I always got to work five minutes late, and they charged me with sabotage," says the first. "I am here because I kept getting to work five minutes early, and they charged me with spying," says the second. "I am here because I got to work on time every day," says the third, "and they charged me with owning a western watch."

Bulwer-Lytton 2006

The results of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced! The contest honors the memory of Edward Bulwer-Lytton, the writer famous for this opening salvo:

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

Jim Guigli won the grand prize this year:

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

Another Onion link

Life has been strange lately. I'm afraid the following article, as they say, "resonates."

I'm Not One Of Those Fancy College-Educated Doctors
By Dr. Mike Ruddy

I'm a doctor, and I'm damn good at it. Why? Because I learned to be a doctor the old-fashioned way: gumption, elbow grease, and trial and error. I'm not one of these blowhards in a white coat who'll wear your ears out with 10 hours of mumbo-jumbo technical jargon about "diagnosis" this and "prognosis" that, just because he loves the sound of his own voice. No sir. I just get the job done.

Those fancy-pants college-boy doctors are always making a big deal about their "credentials." But I'm no show-off phony with a lot of framed pieces of paper on the wall -- I'm the real deal. I got my M.D. on the street. These people think they're suddenly a "doctor" because they memorized a lot of big words and took a bunch of formal tests. But there's plenty of things about being a doctor they'll never learn in their ivory-tower medical school. ....

Disturbing news

Mad Lit Professor Puts Finishing Touches on Bloomsday Device

But, as I understand it, Bloomsday turned out to be pretty quiet in Dublin.

My quest for the Holy Grail

After passing through the main gates of the Scarborough Renaissance Festival, I fell in with three worthy companions: Jared the Wheeler; his betrothed, Rachel of the Men of Gull; and Alyssa of Bates. We three journeyed hither and yon, gazing in wonderment at the strange folk and customs that were all about us. "Hold!" quoth friend Wheeler. "I have a thought passing all wisdom. We should fain seek out the Holy Grail, of which we have been told mickle, yea, all these months. Faith, it must be present among all these courtly folk." And the words seeming most wise to me, I answered, "Yea and verily. It behooveth us to seek out this wonder for ourselves in the midst of this gay company." And the womenfolk didst roll their eyes for lack of understanding, and we didst not care.

After passing the noble Privy of Welcome Relief, at which some of our party did seek to temper their discomfort, we came upon a cottage in which a printer was selling divers printed matter and demonstrating his marvelous press. I thought me to buy of him a print of Albrecht Dürer's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but lo, it was dear, so I resolved me to find the Holy Grail instead. Or else a hat.

After many minutes, we came upon a potter's shop. "Forsooth!" said we. "No doubt here we shall find the holy vessel we seek!" But verily, the drinking-cups of the potter were unconvincing, and the trenchers were small and lumpy. "Bless me," said Wheeler, "this is no place for the Host we seek." So we continued our quest.

After many fair adventures, which would take far too much parchment to relate even were the whole world a dead calf, I had bought me a hat and supped upon the flesh of a giant turkey's leg. We had seen much of many poor women who could not afford to cover their nakedness, we had seen brave knights join in pitched combat, and we had seen many paintings of unicorns in pastel pigments -- yea, more than we could count. Yet in truth, we had not laid eyes upon the Holy Grail, though we had searched many hours. Our eyes were downcast and our faces forlorn.

Suddenly, we espied a cottage at which lived a pewter smith, who was selling many suggestive goblets. "Ho!" said Wheeler. "Could this be the resting-place of the most holy Relic we seek?" Said I with breath bated, "Why not? But my word, this varlet is charging an arm and a leg." Yet the villein did urge us to view his wares, saying, "This one, my lords, is a particularly fine vessel." And we looked, and lo! we knew at once it was the Holy Grail. We beheld a communion cup, all of pewter, with an ergonomick stem to prevent discomfiture during draughts. And Wheeler, all a-reverent, picked up the Vessel and gazed upon its base, to which was affixèd a sticker.

----------

"We found the Grail," Jared the Wheeler explained later to our countrymen, "but they wanted too much for it."

For thus turning his back on holy things, the Lord smote him, and his pickup died.

----------

For a slightly different take on the same proceedings, please see the relevant entry at Wheeler's blog.

Southron

I borrowed this from Brandon -- another Texan -- who outdid me with a score of 84 percent "Southerliness." For some strange reason, I'm jealous.

They always get these things all wrong.

National Bocialism

I found this Monty Python sketch last night and decided I had to share it. There's at least one racial slur in it for satiric purposes, so be careful. To watch it in this window, click on the play button in the bottom left corner.

Productivity enhancer

Did you know The New Yorker has a cartoon channel online? The page displays a new cartoon every 30 seconds.

I haven't gotten any work done for 10 minutes now.

Four things

Having been tagged by Tinfoil + Raccoon ....

Four jobs I’ve had:

1. Fast-food cashier
2. Political party volunteer
3. English tutor
4. History grader

Four movies I can (and do) watch over and over:

1. Casablanca
2. The Lion in Winter
3. Dr. Strangelove
4. The Godfather

Four places I’ve lived:

1. South Texas
2. Central Texas
3. East Texas
4. Schijndel, The Netherlands

Four TV shows I love:

1. Masterpiece Theatre
2. American Experience
3. Frontline
4. Charlie Rose

Four places I’ve vacationed:

1. Kent, UK
2. Corpus Christi, TX
3. Washington, DC
4. Mount Vernon, VA

Four of my favorite dishes:

1. Beef enchiladas
2. Beef broccoli
3. Anything with pesto
4. Goldfish crackers

Four sites I visit daily:

1. Cliopatria
2. Yahoo News
3. BBC News
4. Google Reader

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. London
2. Leiden
3. Grad school
4. Austin

Four books (or series) I love:

1. The four Gospels
2. T. S. Eliot, The Complete Poems and Plays, 1909-1950
3. Sholem Aleichem, Tevye the Dairyman
4. David Hackett Fischer, Albion's Seed

Four video games I can (and do) play over and over:

1. That would require me to play a video game.

Four bloggers I am tagging:

1. Has anybody else not done this one yet? Feel free.

Choose one from three

Via Irregular Analyses (and before that, normblog):

1. Beatles, Stones or Beach Boys? Beatles
2. Kant, Hegel, Marx? Kant
3. Cluedo, Monopoly, Scrabble? Monopoly
4. Paul Newman, Jack Nicholson, Robert Redford? Newman
5. Bach, Beethoven, Mozart? Beethoven
6. Australia, Canada, New Zealand? New Zealand
7. Groucho, Chico, Harpo? Groucho
8. Morning, afternoon, evening? Afternoon
9. Bridge, Canasta, Poker? I'll get back to you
10. Fargo, The Big Lebowski, O Brother, Where Art Thou? O Brother, Where Art Thou
11. Hobbes, Locke, Rousseau? Locke
12. Cricket, football, rugby? Football ... i.e., soccer
13. Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Emily Bronte? Austen
14. Parker, Gillespie, Monk? Monk
15. Arsenal, Chelsea, Tottenham? Arsenal sounds coolest
16. Cheers, Friends, Seinfeld? Seinfeld
17. Henry Fonda, Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart? Stewart
18. France, Germany, Italy? France
19. Apple, orange, banana? Orange
20. Statham, Tyson, Trueman? Right
21. Rio Bravo, El Dorado, Rio Lobo? Rio Bravo
22. Katharine Hepburn, Meryl Streep, Ingrid Bergman? Bergman
23. Chinese, Indian, Thai? Chinese
24. Handel, Scarlatti, Vivaldi? Handel
25. Oasis, Radiohead, Blur? OK
26. Fawlty Towers, The Young Ones, Yes Minister? Fawlty Towers
27. Chekhov, Ibsen, Shaw? Shaw, so far
28. American football, baseball, basketball? Baseball
29. FDR, JFK, Bill Clinton? FDR
30. Lenin, Luxemburg, Trotsky? Trotsky
31. Paris, Rome, New York? Rome
32. Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Steinbeck? Fitzgerald
33. Blue, green, red? Green
34. Guys and Dolls, My Fair Lady, West Side Story? My Fair Lady
35. J.S. Mill, John Rawls, Robert Nozick? Mill!
36. Armstrong, Ellington, Goodman? Armstrong
37. Ireland, Scotland, Wales (at rugby)? Wales sounds good
38. The Sopranos, 24, Six Feet Under? Six Feet Under
39. Friday, Saturday, Sunday? Saturday
40. Hamlet, Macbeth, King Lear? Hamlet
41. Fried, boiled, scrambled (eggs)? Boiled
42. Paths of Glory, Cross of Iron, Saving Private Ryan? Saving Private Ryan
43. England, Australia, West Indies (at cricket)? England
44. Chabrol, Godard, Truffaut? Chabrol so far
45. Bringing It All Back Home, Blonde on Blonde, Blood on the Tracks? Sounds scary
46. Trains, planes, automobiles? Trains, whenever possible
47. North By Northwest, Psycho, Vertigo? North By Northwest
48. Third, Fourth, Fifth (Beethoven Piano Concerto)? Fifth
49. Coffee, tea, chocolate? Tea
50. Cardiff, Edinburgh, Dublin? Edinburgh

Little people

Here's a fascinating Flash-based collection of photographs ... of tiny people working and playing on food. It's in French, but should be fairly easy to figure out. The intro reads, "Who has not dreamed of diving into a chocolate mousse, of digging a cave in cheese or fruit, or of skiing on chantilly?" Come to think of it, this is very French indeed.

Difficult to navigate, though. Click on "minimiam" to enter, then hover over the dot on the right-hand side of the screen to get the menu. Visit the various sections of the "galerie" and use the dots to see all the pictures in each category.

A recent call to Dr. Laura

To provide some relief from my current dry spell, I am recycling an entry I first posted more than a year ago.

DR LAURA: Our phone number here, one eight hundred Dr. Laura, one eight hundred D-R-L-A-U-R-A . . . Brianna! welcome to the program!

BRIANNA: Hi, Dr. Laura.

DR LAURA: What's up?

BRIANNA: I have a sort of a -- well, uh, it's a family issue that's, uh, been in the family a long time, and it's just now coming up again. It's causing problems for the family again. And I'm not sure what to do. I don't want it to separate us again.

DR LAURA: What's the problem?

BRIANNA: Well, I thought we had it taken care of, but apparently it's back again. I just don't know what to do. I thought I could finally trust my father. He'd been in counseling, and my mother forgave him and let him back into the house —

DR LAURA: Brianna, OK, Brianna. Brianna, first tell me What your problem is.

BRIANNA: Well, it started a couple of days ago when I found a dead rabbit in our yard.

DR LAURA: A dead rabbit.

BRIANNA: Yeah. Like, ripped apart — like a dog had gotten it, you know?

DR LAURA: OK . . . .

BRIANNA: But we don't have a dog.

DR LAURA: You don't.

BRIANNA: No. Not for three years, in fact.

DR LAURA: I'm not sure where this is —

BRIANNA: We have a fence.

DR LAURA: OK . . . .

BRIANNA: And this rabbit was inside our fence. [Sigh] And that's not all. I also found our trash cans tipped over and the trash bags, like, torn open. [Begins to cry] We put some fish leftovers in there, see.

DR LAURA: I don't see what this has to do with your father, Brianna.

BRIANNA: It's a really heavy trash can. It's so big — It's — It's one of those thick plastic ones, on wheels. And it's, like, four feet high.

DR LAURA: Brianna, you're not listening to me. What does this have to do with your father?

BRIANNA: Well, he . . . and here's the thing. He says he didn't do it.

DR LAURA: Do what?

BRIANNA: Kill the bunny.

DR LAURA: Who says he didn't do it?

BRIANNA: My father.

DR LAURA: You think your father killed the bunny?

BRIANNA: I don't know who else could have done it. Am I wrong to suspect him? 'Cause when I confronted him, he was like, I'm the bad guy because I'm accusing him falsely and I don't trust him and stuff . . . .

DR LAURA: What, you think he ate it?

BRIANNA: Well, that's what I want to know. Am I wrong to suspect him?

DR LAURA: Well, it's, uh, it's really hard for me to sit here and tell you that your father just killed a bunny rabbit. Is there some reason for your suspicion?

BRIANNA: Well . . . it's kind of embarassing to get into this, but . . . .

DR LAURA: What? You called me up. If I'm going to help you, you're going to have to give me the whole story.

BRIANNA: Well, it runs in the family. My grandfather had it too.

DR LAURA: "It"?

BRIANNA: Lycanthropy.

DR LAURA: I see.

[Awkward silence]

BRIANNA: We thought he had it under control. Like, he was in therapy for a year, and he had this support group. But six months ago he stopped going. He said he was cured.

DR LAURA: [Sigh]

BRIANNA: We held him a [sniff] — we held him a party when he got out of the rehab center. We were, like, so happy, and now —

DR LAURA: Well, I don't know what to tell you, Brianna. It sounds as if he's in denial.

BRIANNA: Yeah.

DR LAURA: You've talked with him about this? Does your mom know?

BRIANNA: Yeah. She just said . . . like, you know, it's no big deal —

DR LAURA: She thinks this is no big deal?

BRIANNA: Yeah. She said not to worry about it. She said she would talk to him.

DR LAURA: Brianna, your mother is an enabler.

BRIANNA: Yeah.

DR LAURA: And there may not be much you can do about it.

BRIANNA: I just feel so —

DR LAURA: Are there any outdoor pets in the neighborhood?

BRIANNA: We live near a park. People walk their dogs there. And our neighbor keeps cats.

DR LAURA: It sounds as if your mother is setting you guys up for major liability, here. As long as she — as long as she tolerates this kind of behavior, your father has nothing to lose. She's enabling his irresponsible behavior.

BRIANNA: Yeah. How can I get her to do something about it?

DR LAURA: Well, I don't know. I think he needs professional help, first of all. Second of all, you need to get him out of that neighborhood and into someplace a little more urban.

BRIANNA: Yeah.

DR LAURA: But this is going to be a fairly major adjustment for your mother as well as your dad.

BRIANNA: Yeah.

DR LAURA: Are you religious?

BRIANNA: I think we're Protestant.

DR LAURA: Well, I think you should start by speaking with a minister. I wouldn't necessarily talk to a Protestant, though; I think Rome is generally a little better at handling these things. I would talk to someone who knows about exorcisms, preferably someone with some background in cryptozoology. Maybe he can assess the situation and come up with a plan.

BRIANNA: OK.

DR LAURA: But ultimately, it's up to your father to get help.

BRIANNA: Yeah.

DR LAURA: All you can do is encourage him to face his own behavior, and take responsibility.

BRIANNA: Yeah.

DR LAURA: But I think the fact that you're taking an interest will go a long way toward helping him. These are the times, you know, when we need family.

BRIANNA: Yeah.

DR LAURA: So phone your local diocese and see if they can recommend a professional. Then try to get your parents to talk to him.

BRIANNA: Right.

DR LAURA: Oh, and Brianna — warn your neighbor to keep the cat indoors when there's a full moon.

BRIANNA: OK.

DR LAURA: [Sigh] Now go do the right thing.

Either/or

1. Red Skelton or Bob Hope
2. mornings: get up or go to bed
3. The Godfather: I or II
4. cavaliers or roundheads
5. Paris or Rome
6. Roosevelt: Franklin or Theodore
7. Abbott and Costello or Laurel and Hardy
8. classical or jazz
9. Jerry Seinfeld or Ray Romano
10. orange juice: pulp or no pulp
11. bookstores: big or small
12. final exam or research paper
13. baked or fried
14. ancient near east or classical
15. cake or ice cream
16. radio or television
17. movies: candy or popcorn
18. on gals: long hair or short
19. on guys: hirsute or clean-shaven
20. Ann Coulter or Michael Moore
21. dirt road or freeway
22. Swift or Voltaire
23. flamingos or penguins
24. Jordan: boy or girl
25. autumn or spring

It's raining here

And, appropriately enough, the winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced.

The winning entry was inspired by the musical Chicago. It really is horrid.

Via the Little Professor.

Search me.

Well, that was fun.

Update: Thanks to Ludwhig, I've had an even better idea.

Darth Vader ...

... Is a plot of the Presbyterian Church.

Proof via Brandon.

Either/or

1. cats or dogs
2. blond(e) or brunet(te)
3. cable or network
4. chicken or beef
5. glasses or contacts
6. beach or mountains
7. Hepburn: Audrey or Katharine
8. lobotomy or Napoleon Dynamite
9. Amazon or interlibrary loan
10. Astaire or Kelly
11. Poirot or Wimsey
12. Chicago or New York
13. carpet or wood
14. blueberry or strawberry
15. theater: European or Pacific
16. diary or journal
17. desktop or laptop
18. film: American or foreign
19. Emerson or Thoreau
20. golf or tennis
21. Descartes or Pascal
22. copy or Xerox
23. Kleenex or tissue
24. rain or shine
25. Chef Boyardee or ramen

My kind of geekery

Mark Shea has written a source-criticism analysis of The Lord of the Rings:

The conflicting ethnic, social and religious groups which preserved these stories all had their own agendas, as did the "Tolkien" (T) and "Peter Jackson" (PJ) redactors, who are often in conflict with each other as well but whose conflicting accounts of the same events reveals a great deal about the political and religious situations which helped to form our popular notions about Middle Earth and the so-called "War of the Ring.". Into this mix are also thrown a great deal of folk materials about a supposed magic "ring" and some obscure figures named "Frodo" and "Sam". In all likelihood, these latter figures are totems meant to personify the popularity of Aragorn with the rural classes.

Faith seeking understanding

You scored as Anselm. Anselm is the outstanding theologian of the medieval period. He sees man's primary problem as having failed to render unto God what we owe him, so God becomes man in Christ and gives God what he is due. You should read 'Cur Deus Homo?'

Either/or

Borrowing an old idea from my cousin, I present a bit of a lark.

The rule is that you must choose one or the other of each pair -- no "both." The reasoning, of course, is up to you. Leave your answers in the comments.

1. Comics or crossword

2. Coffee or tea

3. Dickens or Twain

4. IM or telephone

5. Illuminati or Templars

6. Baseball or soccer

7. Beethoven or Mozart

8. CNN or Fox

9. Town or country

10. Trafalgar or Waterloo

11. Flora or fauna

12. Last Crusade or Lost Ark

13. Hardcover or paperback

14. Pots or pans

15. Dimple or freckles

16. Almonds or pecans

17. Mayonnaise or mustard

18. Lee: guy or girl

19. Aristotle or Plato

20. Pen or pencil

21. Heads or tails

22. Sandals or shoes

23. NASCAR or philately

24. Eliot or Pound

25. Economics or physics

Department of Elfin Studies

For kicks, I decided to run myself through the PoMo English Title Generator again.

Subjectivity and Peoples in The Elfin Ethicist: J. W. Wilson Constructing Resistant Labor

J. W. Wilson Encoding Breath: The Elfin Ethicist and the Gender of Patriarchy

Mapping Class: Problematic Autobiography in J. W. Wilson's The Elfin Ethicist

The Sexist Ventriloquizing The Privileged: J. W. Wilson, The Elfin Ethicist and Violence

Oral Dialectic and the Essentialism of Deaf Voices in J. W. Wilson's The Elfin Ethicist

Language in Star Wars

In honor of the release that is, I believe, in theaters even now -- and because I have neglected Language Log lately -- I direct you to Eric Bakovic's "Speak this way I do because wiser than I actually am I sound."

Overall, the members of the Rebellion speak in very casual American English, as do many of the foot soldiers in the Empire. But officers in the Empire tend to speak a more refined-sounding variety of (British) English. (Note that Princess Leia code-switches in Episode IV, A New Hope, depending on who she's talking to; otherwise, Obi-Wan Kenobi is apparently the only Brit on the good side.)

Really

I'm really, really sorry about this. Really, I am. I want to post real content, I really do. But the end of the semester is upon me, and I'm behind on just about everything I could possibly fall behind on. Therefore . . . .

Via Anna.

HCR 29

WHEREAS, any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent resolution are "FREAKIN' IDIOTS!" and run the risk of having the "Worst Day of Their Lives!"

It passed, by the way.

More HHGG forebodings

M. J. Simpson has a low opinion of the new movie:

As well as being staggeringly unfunny - and Hitchhiker’s Guide really is one of the least funny comedy films ever made - the film also suffers by having an entirely nonsensical plot.

A good name for a rock band

"Phlegmatic Motorists."

< 24 hours

Remember, there's still time to comment on Spring Break Open Thread 2005. Don't quit just because I've started posting again.

Spring Break Open Thread 2005

It's that time again, folks. Since we won't be seeing as much of each other for the next few days, I want you to load the comments on this post with as much sophomoric drivel as possible.

Here are this year's rules:

1) No moray eels.

2) No dancing, smoking, or foreign language.

3) No public displays of affectation (sic).

4) No erudition.

5) No random amusing hyperlinks.

6) No quibbling.

7) No posting after 1 a.m. (your time).

This thread will close at 11:59 p.m. (Central) on the 20th (Sunday).

Commencez, mes amis.

Clever

Hello. A blog with a command line interface. Sadly, it seems to be up only for experimental purposes.

Via Joe.

Update: Aha. Here's another.

Must-see television

My proposals for next season:

American Harem
English Major: Life on the Streets
Law & Order: IAEA
NBC Nightly News with Tom Wolfe
Gomer Pyle, USDA
The Wimple Life
Scientific Marxism Frontiers
Life with Clyde
Peacekeepers Gone Wild
CSI: Duluth

Any other ideas?

At last, the truth emerges

At Cliopatria, historian Greg James Robinson is boldly pursuing a controversial thesis. His analysis of President Truman's farewell letter to Dean Acheson is breathtaking in its simplicity but astounding in its courage.

If my tenured position was ever on the line for something I said, and my scholarly record was being subjected to a 30 day investigation, I would not want to be faced with the accusation that I did not pursue a fair and objective inquiry—especially where, as here, the question of plagiarism is involved.

Bookmeme redux

Why not? The weekend's almost over, after all.

T. S. Eliot, On Poetry and Poets:

"Furthermore, the biographer of an author should possess some critical ability; he should be a man of taste and judgment, appreciative of the work of the man whose biography he undertakes."

Quite so.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

Via Brandon.

Hitchhiker's Guide film trailer

I'm a bit concerned now. (Try here if you have trouble with the Quicktime version.)

Don't let them win

If you're not doing something romantic today, you're letting them win.

Concept aeroplanes

A collection of aircraft that never quite made it, but really should have. These are the best.

Via Metafilter.

Best fortune cookie ever

"You are broad minded [sic] and socially active."

Make your own Bayeux

With the Historic Tale Construction Kit.

In 2005, I resolve

To grow only one day older on my birthday.

To spend some part of each day in a state of consciousness.

Not to end dates with "2004."

To set attainable goals.

A recent call to Dr. Laura

DR LAURA: Our phone number here, one eight hundred Dr. Laura, one eight hundred D-R-L-A-U-R-A . . . Brianna! welcome to the program!

BRIANNA: Hi, Dr. Laura.

DR LAURA: What's up?

BRIANNA: I have a sort of a -- well, uh, it's a family issue that's, uh, been in the family a long time, and it's just now coming up again. It's causing problems for the family again. And I'm not sure what to do. I don't want it to separate us again.

DR LAURA: What's the problem?

Sonnet to National Public Radio

When ignorance my thoughts subdues, and when
The sound and fury of plebeian tongues
O'erwhelm my native tolerance again,
Then do I seek the solace of thy lungs.
I crave the fire of thy stillness and
The passion that comes only to the mild.
I bare my mind to touches of thy hand;
Thy verbal powers lightly drive me wild.
Commercial radio feeds the baser tastes —
For pop, for rap, for boors with loud bombast —
The AM band turns minds to barren wastes
And leaves offended gentler souls aghast.
Then thy sweet voice my frayed nerves soothes once more;
Thou hast the power of silence I adore.

A day in the life of Stupid Penguin

Perhaps you are not yet familiar with my friend, Stupid Penguin. Or perhaps you know of him, but still harbor some misconceptions about his character. I intend to rectify this situation. In order to put to rest certain slanderous accusations and base opinions, I took a camera along to document a day in the life of this oft-misunderstood garden ornament.

I became acquainted with Stupid Penguin last semester, when he appeared one evening on the floor of my dorm room (I suspect that he was abandoned by one of the resident assistants in my building). Not wanting to go off and leave the orphaned bird by himself, I took him to class with me that night. He perched on my lap or bookbag, listening attentively as Dr. Watson lectured. Apparently Dr. Watson was somewhat nonplused; he seemed to find it "creepy" that the flamingo was staring at him in his admittedly rather inscrutable manner. From that moment on, the flamingo and I were quite good friends. That night, the flamingo acquired a name, "Stupid Penguin" (or "the Penguin" as a nickname), which was first used by the derisive and ornithologically illiterate Vengeful Cynic. The name is usually good for a double take, so of course the flamingo insists upon keeping it.

The following pictures (click on the thumbnails to enlarge them) were taken today as Stupid Penguin went about his Friday routine.

Every morning Stupid Penguin spends ten minutes at the statue of R. G. LeTourneau, getting inspiration for the day ahead.

The flamingo likes to chat with Drs. J., Kubricht, and Watson -- as well as their muses -- before starting work.

The flamingo goes to the library to study. Occasionally the lack of legs becomes an issue.

Dr. Coppinger seems happy to see Stupid Penguin at first, but becomes rather irate when Stupid Penguin tells him that the students in the Program have yet another scheduling problem. At least Dr. Coppinger's Baylor-type bear bookend still thinks Stupid Penguin is cool.

The flamingo earns his keep by doing odd jobs, first at a desk and then out on the LeTourneau earthmovers.

After a hard day's work, Stupid Penguin checks his mail, goofs off a little in the bookstore, plays on the berm slide, stares off dreamily into space, and vegetates in front of a television set. It's been a good day.

Many thanks to those who helped me with this, especially the professors, Wheeler, Sharon, and Sharpton. It was a lot of fun.

Quotations

This post functions as the archive for quotations formerly posted in my sidebar.

Entries:

Dr. Olson: "That's a praise and a prayer. I never heard of cherry butter."

Dr. Hood: "This is gonna be a whole lot of next."

Ms. Knouse: "I never understood why people would want to have so much skin showing. I say cover it up and let 'em guess a little bit."

Wheeler: "As soon as I heard 'slushie,' I knew it was gonna be bad."

Jed: "I'm a Methodist. And I'm outraged."

Moore: "'Natural family planning' sounds a lot like running around with a shotgun in the dark."

Michaela: "Stupid little people."

Dr. Solganick: "I think I need padded walls."

Anna: "'Crap' has a negative connotation."

Shroud: "Aww, I got to be a communist."

Ziggy: "So woman is law."

Martinez: "It's like making a pun out of a chair and a chihuahua."

Dr. Solganick: "But I go through all sorts of gyrations to keep you awake."

Moore: "Unfortunately, 'Abraham' and 'bosom' are two separate words."

Dr. Watson: "You'll be middle-aged someday. I just hope I'm alive to see it!"

Dr. Austin: "We began to dream, and dreams became ideas, and ideas became words, and words became sketches."

Michaela: "You remind me of Oscar Wilde. Except for the homosexuality."

Tom: "She's feminine. She has wiles."

Martinez: "He's like Dr. Seuss, only better, because he's God."

Anna: "I cannot defend women anymore if this continues!"

Rachel: "You should get out of those overalls as quickly as possible. You act weird in them."

Melby: "I have never considered the feminine form of anything."

Uncle Doug: "Oh, man, I wish I could remember these things when I start talking about them."

Dr. Olson: "It's un-American not to have seen The Princess Bride."

Martinez: "So, how was the meeting? And why did I forget to bring utensils?"

Rachel: "Ow! Ow! That's my hip! I'm not ticklish on my hip!"

Melby: "No, they're pretty people. They're blond."

Ardith: "Love is stupid."

Rachel: "Sounds like he's dying or talking about his dog."

Dr. Castro: "The first week is the honeymoon week. On the honeymoon, you learn about each other, right? So we're going to learn how we work together now."

Scholl: "They are so going to bow down to me eventually."

Melby: "'Maybe' always gave me trouble. I never thought it could be as simple as M-A-B-Y."

Melby: "I really should think about what my mouth is saying before I say it."

Sharpton: "Yeah, well, somebody's gotta ride herd on these females."

Anna: "I'm telling you, the kids are frying my brain cells!"

Wheeler: "You've had that nose for twenty-four friggin' years. Play with it some other time."

Scott: "I was a rebel as a child, so I went Presbyterian."

Randy: "Ha! Fog, you have been impaled."

Scholl: "No, actually I had a larger shovel than Mom did. I had the largest shovel."

Paige: "Why do guys have to be so moral?"

Scholl: "I mean, that's my M.O. -- people."

Sharpton: "In other words, if LeTourneau shifted into a mine shaft, we'd all be in trouble."

Wheeler: "What? No, no, no, no! My character is not brave!"

Gallagher: "It's a long time for him not to swear about babies."

Scholl: "It's the cornucopia, dawg. It just showed up and started shooting nutrition at people."

Gallagher: "Sorry. I became an idiot."

Scholl: "I've been Kwanzaa-spammed!"

Gallagher: "Mmm. Flames. Aaugh!"

Toad: "David, stop looking at Wilson and imagining him in a habanero suit!"

Scholl: "Forgive me for not being as well versed in the tea as you."

Scott: "You're centering your hot dog."

Moore: "Wilson! Agh! It scares me that I have to go back to my room and finish a presentation that you're already waiting for."

Dr. Kubricht: "And I'm not sure what this SpongeBob guy is all about . . . This may be a vision of what people will be like five years from now."

Dr. Hood: "Anna's an audit, so she can come and go as she pleases. And then I kick her."

Wheeler: "They're on the cusp of flapper."

Amy: "I think you would be most interesting in a twitterpated state."

Scholl: "Those shorts are a hate crime."

Moore: "And so I don't have to sleep to make the ping good."

Anna: "Shut up! It's a happy lovey moment!"

Dr. Kubricht: "These fetishes that people develop -- like Tootsie Roll Pops or something. It just grabs you."

Moore: "Why do I get beat up by people who take classes?"

Dr. Carl: "This is the square Jesus thing again. The next time I give a chapel speech: 'Jesus is like SpongeBob.'"

Barbour: "He's proposing to Sharpton. Just leave now."

Dr. Solganick: "The English department is Nosferatu."

Scholl: "I've been typewritered!"

Gallagher: "I think I might just have to grow a goatee and become obscene."

Wheeler: "It didn't smell much worse than papaya -- which is to say, rotting vomit."

Gallagher: "Whose posterior thinks I said that?"

Scott: "In fact, I like all of Cancer."

Ashley: "I don't like him anyway, so he's just a friend of mine."

Wheeler: "Which came first: Sodom or the Hippocratic Oath?"

Gallagher: "The Phoenicians! Somebody think of the Phoenicians!"

Dr. Solganick: "You're nothing but a biochemical heap!"

Scholl: "If somebody took your purse, you'd just have to smack them, silly."

Rachel: "It's my shoe!"
Gallagher: "Yes, and it's my bladder!"

Scott: "Capital 'C.' I said it with a capital 'C.'"

Ardith: "Yay! There's porridge in the Calc 3 homework."

Dr. Kubricht: "Nations often don't realize how inferior they are, but everyone else can see . . . you're inferior."

Dr. Solganick: "That's my shower theme. I'm Julie Andrews."

Dr. B—: "Who have been the buggers in your life?"

Moore: "It's anything on the menu, fifty percent off. I can't wait to be sixty!"

Dr. Kubricht: "If you see yourself as a man of destiny, you're going to accomplish more than if you see yourself as a man of incompetence."

Wheeler: "Why do I have all the ditzy quotes?"

Cousin Jared: "Do not — I repeat, DO NOT — dis the Dunst."

Randy: "I wish I had something explicit and offensive."

Amy: "He's my backstage fairy."

Milton: "He's my backstage fairy."

Randy: "Nicole Kidman makes me want to stick nails in my ears."

Ardith: "I was never a teenager in my life!"

Dr. Carl: "How do you represent Jesus graphically?"

Dr. B—: "Have you ever taken courses where you just memorize? You don't have to think?"

Dr. Kubricht: "Christina, why do women like short, fat little Frenchmen?"

Ardith: "I think I've gotten stupid in my old age."

Scholl: "I think Shakespeare just offended me."

Dr. Solganick: "What's your major?"
Scott: "Mechanical engineering."
Dr. Solganick: "Oh, God."

Dr. B—: "What I want to do in this class is not only warm your heart but sharpen your head."

Moore: "I watch Star Trek to see them blow up aliens, not save whales."

Mrs. Mays: "I mean that in a nice way; they're the nicest passive-aggressives you'll ever meet."

Scholl: "Freud makes everything better."
Dr. Watson: "You people are always writing down things that I say . . . I'm writing that down!"

M. Prévost: "Because if you put these assignments off during the semester, it's like letting the dog bite you on the rear end when you leave."

M. Prévost: "Clothing don't have intelligence."

M. Prévost: "We've gotta fix these languages so they can be more logical! OK, you guys are swift."

M. Prévost: "I ask the question: 'Is étudier chopped liver?'"

Moore: "Book-on-book action!"

Wheeler: "Why are people violently blinking at me?"

Scholl: "I do believe that's the first time I've seen a lecherous jalapeño."

Wheeler: "The archetypal redneck of literature -- who would that be?'"

Scholl: "That's a pretty good deal, if you can pull it off."

Wilson: "That's what it was -- I've misplaced my halo."

Leatherwood: "If you choose to be single all your life, Paul will love you."

Uncle Danny: "My students are the dregs of society. Literally."

Aunt Sherry: "I'm just encouraging him to make something real, 'cause I'm a touchy person."

Ardith: "Dude. This is Iowa. Nobody poisons the ice cream."

Scholl: "Do you suppose a group of Baptist cowboys could put down an ELH-2 revolt?"

Uncle Doug: "I need me a woman."

Dr. Kubricht: "There's something in the tea. I think it's from North Burma."

Ardith: "Fudgy things are overrated."

Scholl: "I said, 'The monkeys of love won't come for you,' and there went my [freaking] tongue!'"

Dr. Castro: "I don't believe in ethics too much."

Lynn: "He's so clever. He must be a man!"

Martinez: "It didn't work with God; it won't work with us."

Dr. R. V. Hood: "In many ways I think that Jesus really broke the mold."

Scholl: "Jude is, like, the verse-hopping springboard of doom."

Sharpton: "Dang it! Why do I have to be such a dummkopf?"

Ardith: "I want some napalm."

Dr. R. V. Hood: "Some people think it's sacrilegious. Don't take away my chocolate."

Dr. Carlson: "If you two want to be alone, you can use my office."

Milton: "I was, like, 'Wow. Demons suck.'"

Sharon: "Drat not being a guy!"

Scholl: "Sorry. I get all excited when France gets invaded."

Dr. R. V. Hood: "My stuff always falls out of my brain. I've got a hole in the back here."

Moore: "Now you can be uncomfortably Mexican."

Wheeler: "I'd rather not think about your virility, Wilson!"

Ardith: "I don't want to give the fish a bicycle."

Dr. Kubricht: "Actually, an older girl should marry a younger guy, because then they die about the same time. It cancels out the life expectancy."

Ziggy: "Wenched. Ow, my logic!"

Scott: "Booze me, woman!"
Ardith: "I am so not buying you liquor."

Dr. Kubricht: "Is that an oxymoron? 'West Virginia Board of Education'?"

Dr. R. V. Hood: "I always come up with great ideas either when I'm warming up cookies or when I'm going to the bathroom."

Ardith: "But-b-b-b-but, no! You don't let people like that be pyros!"

Martinez: "It's a minus sign that's had one too many whiskeys."

Gillis: "Ironic. My to-do list involves death and taxes."

Wheeler: "Why do you keep referring to Wilson as 'people'?"

Scholl: "Can I have my low standards back?"

Wheeler: "I know it's bread; that's why it's funny."

Mark: "Intelligence, you probably don't need."

Wheeler: "Great chuzzy lunch menus, Batman!"

Dr. Coppinger: "Facial hair is a very good thing .... on men, on men."

Scholl: "Dude. I can't eat right without my goatee."

Prof. Payton: "Sounds like a formula for a short story. 'I was stalked by the Easter Bunny.' You never know what kinds of creeps are in those suits."

Gallagher: "How does that work?! I do not want a spherical chicken!"

Lynn: "You are of Dutch origin. You should be regulated."

Gallagher: "We get all the other grits off this one mother grit."

Jay Kessler: "I like the V8 engine. I think it's godly and American."

Scholl: "Martinez, tell us about the folly of messing with God."

Milton: "Whoa. That was nutty-pants, right there."

"But they passed the law for the public good. They don't want every Tom, Dick, and Harry slaughtering stuff in the garage." -- Dr. Kubricht

"Waaugh! My memory just caught up with the conversation!" -- Moore

"Sharptiano and I are the fruit squad, waiting for the fruit to appear." -- Moore

"But you could not lift a kid who was carrying a bag of money unless the kid was dead." -- Colin

"Don't make me can-can. There's only one of me." -- Scott

"Wow. Wow. I'm just trying to imagine life without a back." -- Amy

"I know. It's this morning-after problem." -- Mrs. Mays

"I have these little heresy buttons that go 'Mee-ah! Mee-ah! Mee-ah!'" -- Dr. Hood

"It bugs the fire out of me. People are who." -- Mrs. Stuckey

"That's what the law is all about -- finding stupid little paths to places." -- Lynn (a history/polisci major)

"I just used the word modicum. I don't say modicum!" -- Scott

"There's nothing a woman can do for you that Perl can't." -- Gallagher

"I find that it's the belly dancer that really makes the wedding reception. Write that down." -- Dr. Watson

"I like moisture in my pastry. And taste. Taste is good too." -- Wheeler

"They fuzzed my math!" -- Anna

"I had just had two cookies, and was feeling rather valiant." -- Moore